this was a draft i wrote when i first joined and didnt post. I think it’s still true now. Everyone is feeling much more distant though. It’s my own fault.
I love you, some days
Some days I wake up so full of love but just as dysfunctional.
I want to tell everyone I let persuade might actually like me that I love them and to thank them for being there for me all these years through my computer screen. I love them so much. Thank you for being here. I don’t deserve it but thank you.
On these days I feel like I could almost do anything except connect with them more, spend more time with them. But I do love them, and I really wish I could, I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. They’ve always been there since I was a kid, around ten years old in xat chatrooms. I’m 25 now, there’s no reason for me to be like this. To feel so low and anxious. They’ve always been there, I know I can trust them, I can let my guard down. But no ): or very very rarely. And I have to be given such a particular circumstance for participation. Maybe I’m afraid a real me is going to manifest and be rejected. But that’s still unfair on them. They’ve been so kind.
That was the all that was in the draft. What follows is mostly unrelated, aside from what it illustrates about my social development lol.I feel so lonely. I never felt comfortable or understood by anyone in real life except one person, and so much has happened between us now, stuff I dont believe was intentional, that’s at least partly our weird brains clashing, but after being as patient and understanding as I have for as long as I have, going through what feels like the same cycles and lack of acknowledgment on his behalf, and now finally witnessing him not have these troubles with someone newer he has spent less time with, who is much further away, after doing everything I can think of to understand his discomfort and adjust to it when he would rarely do the same, to the point of my detriment, the illusion has and is shattering repeatedly and it hurts so badly. And it feels like I’m alone. I don’t know how to be like this with my online friends, with anyone else. I don’t know how to interact with people. I can barely interact with the delivery guy. He made me think it was just in my head, that we’d always be there for eachother, that we’d help eachother, face the world and learn how to deal with it together. I’ve loved him so much, and even now, after telling him im struggling with feeling disposable to him, he can hardly tell me he wants my presence. expects me to presume it like i always do, even when the issue is him not being clear, expecting me to read in to him. even when he knows that’s not good for me. because for some reason it’s just difficult for him to do with me and not them. what kind of person do i have to be for this to be the case? what awful things have i done? or how pathetic and stupid i am i still want the little scraps of sincerity he gives me? to still want to face the world with him? I just dont think i can do it alone. I need to get out of my parents place and I thought we had a way forward together until things recently. I feel so sick.