I had a cartoon I watched with an uncle who any time someone was trying to wrap up a conversation with him would say, “One more thing.”, so sometimes I do that, not that I’ve ever mentioned it directly to anyone.
Anyway, my one more thing is about the trap that is recovery. This is the most subversive thing I’ve ever thought of, and I sincerely want to be wrong. The idea is this; capitalism commoditizes our trauma by pressuring us to heal and then monetizing the resultant creativity. Essentially, the entirety of the creative world has become a massive skinner engine of causing pain and harvesting the result.
Being sick most of my life, I’ve read my share of loss and gain stories. They’re almost everywhere. My favorite always was Teddy Roosevelt. He was kind of a nerd (I relate). Because he was a sickly child, his family encouraged him to take up outdoor activities and sports… . again, I relate. His family was already rich, and at one point he had it all; elected office, a wife and child….. but he lost it, pretty much overnight. You know what he did then? He bought a ranch and spent the next few years running it. Now that’s flash, I wish I could weep into my beautiful mountain scenery and rugged outdoors.
Eventually he planned his rise to the presidency, through the never before or again used secretary of the army. Then he managed to get himself in the middle of a heroic war, and rode that branding right into the White House. He was loved, and he was effective.
It doesn’t work the same for a working class family. I watched a video recently that aptly pointed out that lower/middle/upper were entirely arbitrary class boundaries, and I find I agree. His solution, and mine, is that there are two classes of people; those who need to work for a living (and their dependents), and the owning class, that can live off of investments. Naturally there’s some overlap, a few small businesses, but most small businesses are on the working class side.
Anyway, while well off, my family is still working class. We’ve been trying to escape it for at least three generations. In the tradition of great working class families, I’m currently on strike for better pay and treatment.
Long road as that was to reach the point, aka TLDR;
I’ve been avoiding fresh air and exercise for the past few months. The thing I realized is the last three times I pulled myself out of a funk, it was fresh air and exercise. Given that the funk is justified, I’ve been avoiding it as much as I can.
Today, in what I now think was a deliberate manipulation; my mom had me help her with the yard work. She pushed me, past tired. Then, as I often have to after such effort, I took a shower. Oh I felt good, and I settled into my evening playing video games and watching crime drama, and then I took a bit of cannabis.
WOOOO is that a thing. It used to take me much more than this to get this high…. so that tired post workout feeling, turns out to be the ideal catalyst for great highs. I feel like that’s safe to share.
Now I’m torn though, better highs and sleep are two of the things I love most. It’s wrong though, now this is something else I have to deny myself, in my own best interests. Uck.
Then there’s the other side, that the weaker I get, the more will be great exertion and the easier it will become to reach this point.
So maybe my own biology isn’t betraying me. Perhaps, it’s working just as it should.