today’s been horrible. I’ve been trying to be okay but it’s not exactly working. I managed to get my contacts in, mainly out of fear of pissing my dad off, but it made them hurt a lot. they felt like they were on fire. the school nurse was really nice about it though. I talked to the counselor today too. I’m a fucking inconvenience. I hate it. I feel like all I do is get in the way, adding another issue. I’m just another issue. I don’t know why I’m here anymore. I’m holding on for her, that’s it. she always tells me I’m not a burden and I shouldn’t feel bad when I need to talk and stuff, but I cant even stop it. maybe shes right, but I dont know. I just dont know. I cried last night and I cried today. I’ve had a headache for hours but at least that’s going away now. I wanna talk to her but shes hanging out with a friend now, and I dont want to bother, even if she says I dont. I feel like all I do is make them worry and end up ruining their day. I’m inconvenient, I’m pathetic, problematic, etc. I hate myself but I feel like its deserved. I’m stressed about everything right now. I’m going to the contact doctor tomorrow, and I’m scared. I’ve been hiding in this door less room every day after school, not really bothering with my family, plus I’m always scared of getting yelled at. I feel like it would be a relief if I were dead, however much people wouldnt want to admit it. but maybe I’m overthinking it. I’ve been doing that a lot. how do I not? I need to take a shower because I’m gross. I’m gross and ugly. I’m hungry too but I dont want to eat because I’ve been eating too much anyway. I have lost a little weight though, I guess I can be content with that. I’ve been slacking and eating 2 meals instead of just 1, like I’ve been doing. so if I see bigger numbers tonight it’s my own fault. just another reason to hate myself. I dont think theres anything to love about me. nothing at all. it’s horrible and it makes me avoid people, why bother making people get to know me? theres nothing worth knowing, and they’ll only like me out of pity, if at all. I wish I’d just fade away in this bed.
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3 comments
I still feel the same. Anytime someone is going through a hard time and they say that they are just a burden or something like that, then there is one LARGE quality that you have. It’s being self-aware. It is a good quality to have and that allows you to see what you are doing and can do. My brain still attacks me with thoughts like “I’m ugly” or “I’m a stupid ignorant piece of shit” and I just have to think about the good things in life. Like the feeling of ignorant bliss when you’re around 8. I feel the same about my fat, then I realized that it doesn’t matter how much I eat, I just have to exercise. I feel your pain, that’s all I’m saying. You aren’t going through this alone.
Not sure why my comment was deleted or if you deleted, but I was just trying to help.
Never mind. Was a different post. I don’t go on here often.