I’m back in my apartment. School starts Tuesday. The anxiety peaked yesterday. I was crying and couldn’t get a hold of my emotions. Pacing, talking out loud to myself. I even called my mom and talked about it. The anxiety just completely took hold of everything. I was so scared and panicked. The feeling like everything was going to be pulled out from under me was so overwhelming. I have an appointment with both my therapist and my psychiatrist on Monday. My mom’s pushing me to get meds for anxiety, but I think there’s nothing to be done on that front. I think it’s just me. That something is fundamentally broken in my head and no medication will solve it. I know that through therapy and practice I should get better, but I know that I can’t even do that. Right now I can sit still, but over the course of the day, I’ve been pacing as usual. I don’t know. I’m just not sure what to do. This fear of everything makes me feel like the end is near.
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I don’t know how similar our situations are, I only just got admitted to grad school. They want me to start Monday, but despite my frequent requests they still haven’t explained how it will be paid for…. so I don’t know if I’m going or not, probably going to have to defer enrollment until next semester….
which means six more months at least like this.
I don’t know which is the worst situation, I was quite stressed about starting, now I’m stressed about not starting…. sometimes it feels like no one can win.