all I do is make everything worse and I deserve to die. I am a vile and horrible creature who’s toxicity ruins everything. my overthinking/overbearing stupid personality is pathetic and needs to be snuffed out. how dare I be alive when I hurt the one I love with my stupidity? they already go through enough. I’m only making it worse, whether they say I do or not. I’m a pathetic coward who isnt willing enough to die so I can stop ruining everything. I am a failure. I am pathetic. I am worthless. I cant keep living like this. I need to die, I know I have to die. I know my life will only ruin everyone else’s. the world will be a little better with me gone. yet I try so fucking hard to do good. maybe I just overthinking it yet again, maybe I’m just making it worse in my head. pathetic. everything I do is pathetic. I should be dead. I want to be dead. everyday something big or small will happen to harden the fact that I am horrible, yet I’m still here. I consider it true cowardice now. I suppose one can be bad with good intentions. or do bad things with good intentions. or say stupid things but with good intentions. I worry constantly that I might drive my partner into killing themself. or just not be there to help them before they do. or god knows what. why do people like me exist? what good am I other than adding to the rot of this awful world? how dare I breathe the same air as my partner, who’s absolutely perfect in my eyes and has been through hell? how dare I breathe and drag her down? I know she says I dont, but I dont know anymore. maybe I’m too far gone. she does say I help a lot, which is my only intention, to help and make them feel loved and happy, even as far apart as we are right now. being there would probably be more helpful. but I’m not and it’s my fault. everything is my fault. all I do is ruin everything. I would die many painful deaths to ensure their happiness, as well as my family’s if I could. how dare I make them put up with me? how dare I still breathe? I dont even know the most rotten thing on earth that I could compare myself to, other than just me. I’m one of those weeds that strangle the life out of everything in the garden to where the garden is useless. the only way to get rid of weeds is to kill them. to rip them out of the ground. I know that’s what I must do. pathetic weed.
how dare I still be fucking living right now. I deserve all the shit that comes to me.
2 comments
You have someone you share a life with, that’s a huge positive.
It’s sounding like she hadn’t confirmed any of these things you call yourself, sounds like she really cares for you. It’s hard due to the way our brains are wired, but you need to cut yourself a little bit of slack.
You should focus on the positives you have right now (like her and the fact that she’s working with you and appreciate how you help her out). Not trying to pry too much, but is she also depressed or suicidal? It’s sounding like you’re putting everything good into the relationship with her, despite how you’ve felt.
Don’t know how young or old you are but you do have time to change things, to improve yourself. Is there anything you like to do? Maybe start with the things you like and branch out from there?
I have overthinking brain as well, so I understand where you’re at mentally. Every little thing I say or do I can overanaylze when it meant nothing to the other person, etc. I just hope something I’ve put here helps you in some way.
Sincerely,
Trey, the mindless gamer
You’re probably right, I’ve just been really stupid lately and just overthinking literally everything. They’re the best thing to ever happen to me. And yeah their mental health isnt good so I worry about them a lot and I just worry all the time that I’m making it worse. To be fair thats not the only time I feel that way, I feel like I’m just making life worse in general, for myself and everyone else. I never do it intentionally though, I always feel like shit over it. I just need to work on myself to be better however I can. I need to get more into my art again, and maybe writing too, because both help in some ways, just spilling everything on them if nothing else. I hope I dont sound stupid here or in my post ahaha. I’ve just been so overwhelmed with everything – even though honestly its probably nothing. But thank you anyway for replying, I hope you’re doing well.