I don’t know what to feel. As soon as I woke up I wish I didn’t. I cried a lot yesterday. Probably just due to my overthinking. I’m being stupid. I feel like I cant talk to anyone about anything right now. I don’t know why I didnt just kill myself yesterday. Or years beforehand for that matter. I don’t want to be here. I’m tired of life. I have to start my day soon, with school and everything. I’m dreading it. I dread having to live, I’m barely surviving.
Everything hurts. It’s a constant ache. I don’t even see the point of seeing the counselor here anymore, what’s there that I haven’t talked to her about? I just complain about the same shit it seems. I want to die. I don’t want anyone to look at me anymore. I’m not worth being looked at. Or cared about.
Sometimes I feel like death is the only reasonable option, even if that’s stupid.
Edit 4:00 pm-
I feel horrible. I just want to end it all right now. I feel so alone and its awful. I can’t talk to anyone. I know I just need to find something to distract myself from it like my switch or art or just anything but I dont have the energy to do it. I’ve also barely eaten anything today. I tried. There’s really no point in trying though is there. It’s just gonna be this as long as I live. I don’t know if life is worth that or not. But I’m here anyway. I’m trying not to think about myself because it makes me sick. I’m also trying not to think of literally everything else but I’m finding that difficult. 
^^^^^^^ me pretty much atm
I might try to walk. Or try to try to, haha. It’s nice out. Maybe it will keep my mind off things. Maybe it won’t, I dunno. But I might try. It’d get me out of the house. I don’t even feel like doing anything. Other than… forming plans and ending things. I don’t want to be alone but I dont really want to be around my family. Kind of a lose-lose situation. Oh well. Maybe I really do deserve all of this. Sorry for any poor soul that suffered through reading this ahahaha.
Edit 7:00 PM-
I’m here again because I have nothing else to do or anybody to talk to. I didnt want to make an extra post. It’s only been 3 hours…
I wish I could explain my pain better. Every time I try I just have no words, or the right ones. Nobody would take me seriously anyways. I wish people would try to listen to me… I’m such an idiot. Nights are really bad now… I cant get these thoughts out of my head. I havent tried acting anything out yet, so I guess that’s good? But that doesnt really matter.
I’m lost… everything feels so far away. I feel like I’m not real, like I’m just observing life. I feel more real on here and talking to my partner over the phone… I miss her a lot. I wish she would talk to me, but I don’t wanna bother them…
I just wanna die, it all hurts too much…
2 comments
I’m sorry you are hurting. I have a trick that’s worked for me, who knows, might help;
Now is not always. There was a time in the past less painful, else your current pain wouldn’t be so noticeable. Depression tries to cast a fog over that time, making it harder to remember. Spend a few moments trying to remember a better day, at the very least it will provide some escape from your current situation.
Now, if this pain started at some point, it may well end at some point. I understand the frustration with therapy, maybe it is time for a different therapist? Are you medicated in any way? Is it something that you could be? If you are medicated, have you considered changing medications?
Bane of my life that it is, my medications give a stable floor to my life. The worst it can get medicated is still better than I was on average unmedicated. Walking is a good idea, getting outside is one of the few lifestyle changes that has evidence of working.
All I have is my school counselor, my family has never supported therapy. My mom tried to put me on medication like 3 times (twice on the same one that didnt help) and she just never picked up refills. So medication just in general would probably be pretty beneficial at least for me.
What you said was right about the not remembering feeling better than this. After I read what you said I tried to remember but it was hard, I really dont. It feels like it’s been a downhill slope, subtle enough to where I couldnt even tell the difference. But I’ll still continue to try. I got to talk to one of my friends yesterday for the first time in awhile, and they’re wanting to to talk to someone, because I havent mentioned anything to anyone other than my ramblings on here. I feel like maybe I’m talking about it enough? I’m not sure.
Also, I forgot to walk yesterday ahaha but I should have. I’ll try to tonight since it’s still somewhat nice surprisingly. I’ve always heard being outside helps.