“Accept what you cannot change.”
I definitely can’t change the past. So I have to accept that I’ve done so many unacceptable things.
And pretty much no matter what I do from this point on, I won’t be able to change people’s perceptions of me for doing those unacceptable things. I will always be a terrible person, and I have to accept that. I have to accept that I will always be alone, psychologically isolated from other people. That I will always have to hide the truth about myself in order to just keep existing in the world.
I obviously can’t change how old I am, or all the years I wasted. I have to accept that my misspent youth is never coming back, and the key formative experiences I missed are gone for good.
It’s a lot to accept, and I’m left with the feeling of not really wanting to exist like this anymore. It would probably devastate my family if I did end it. I don’t want that. But I also really don’t want to be this anymore. It’s just…sad. I’m not living for anything. I have no hope, no meaningful goals, no sense of purpose. I just want want it to stop. I’m so tired of regret, longing, and despair. It’s pointless, but it’s all I’m left with. I have nothing to actually live for. The only real reason I have to live is not messing up the lives of others who do have meaningful lives. My life has no value or meaning in itself.
55 comments
I’d argue that you can change how others see you, but it’s not easy. Also, the longer ago something happened, the less most people will care. I did some horrible things in my childhood, no one seems to care now 18 years into my adult life. I guess I do, but it doesn’t seem to effect others even if I tell them.
For most things you’d be right, but some acts just define your character in the eyes of others, no matter what you do afterwards. I also don’t have the excuse of childhood – the last time I really did something like that I was 29 – a fully responsible adult in everyone’s eyes. Although I’m glad I haven’t sunk back to that level in the 6 years since, that wouldn’t really make a difference to how others view me, and the only way I’m able to continue this half-life is by hiding the truth about myself.
That makes me so curious what you did. I’m just some random person on the internet so I’m sure you won’t say. Maybe what you did isn’t as awful as you think it is?
Maybe meet new people who don’t know whatever it is you did?
Have you become a better person since? Or rather just haven’t done whatever awful thing you used to do?
I won’t say, but it’s universally regarded as pretty awful. If anything, I’ve spent most of the last 15 years trying to convince myself it’s ok. But I can’t.
With the exception of a couple of therapists, no one knows what I’ve done. My issue is more having to hide who I really am from people, and the loneliness that causes, than being rejected by people who already know. It feels wrong to involve myself in the lives of others when I know they would feel deeply betrayed if the truth came out.
I wouldn’t really say “I’ve changed” since then. I still regularly think about going back to doing those things. It’s just now there’s some inhibition there where there wasn’t before, and I tend to channel it into stuff that’s less bad. I think I’ve just kind of learned that I can always feel worse about myself, which doesn’t make intuitive sense when you’re as low as I am. So from a selfish perspective it’s just not worth it.
I also forced myself into therapy after the last time I did it, which was pretty fucking brutal, and I don’t want to put myself through that again. Telling the most shameful shit on a weekly basis to someone who can’t make it ok is about the worst feeling I’ve had.
well, at least you have feelings of regret and remorse, so that’s good. do you want to be a better person? maybe if you started doing good deeds, it will help you wash some of the guilt off?
“My issue is more having to hide who I really am from people, and the loneliness that causes”
oh I definitely feel you on that. i haven’t done bad things to ppl, but i’ve always had to hide my depression and my health issues from everyone, hide that i’m not working, and pretend i’m normal and working 9-5 and happy-happy.
so yeah, i always felt so lonely not being able to tell ppl the real me. and i can’t bc the second you tell ppl you’re sick/injured/disabled/not working/depressed etc, ppl reject you and either ignore you or start becoming really mean to you. so yeah, very few ppl know the real me, and it’s indeed very f*ing lonely.
Being stuck in feelings of regret kind of sucks, and it’s not really worth much in terms of making a meaningful change. The difficulty with being a “better person” is that I know I’ll still be viewed/judged through the prism of my past, no matter what good deeds I do in future. I might be less bad, but I still won’t be acceptable. So it’s kind of demotivating. I’ve done various bits of charity and volunteer work in the past, but it didn’t really change anything. There’s not a point where I can say “I’ve done enough so I can feel ok with myself again.”
I’m sorry you’ve had to hide your depression/health issues and unemployment. I know from personal experience people can be very judgemental about that kind of stuff. I hope you can find some empathetic people to look past that and really see you. It seems a shame to feel so lonely over something most reasonable people would understand, if they only took the time.
“I hope you can find some empathetic people to look past that and really see you.”
Thank you. And it’s sad that I can’t. The only people I can talk to are other depressed or chronically ill people, and while it’s good to be able to talk to others like myself, I would still like to be able to make friends and connections with the rest of the 95% of the world. It’s hard when 95% of the people you meet won’t accept you, and the 5% that are like me, we never meet in person bc depressed and chronically ill ppl are generally not out and about.
Heck, even half the depressed and chronically ill ppl don’t like me either bc they’ve also been brainwashed into thinking we MUST think happy thoughts and if we don’t then it’s OUR fault and they don’t like to talk to “negative” ppl either.
Like WHY do ppl not allow us to FEEL the way we do? It’s a thought crime/punishment. People punish us bc we don’t think the way THEY think WE ought you, which is f*ing bullocks.
I’m getting punished for nothing I did, but for being depressed and thinking negatively. And for not “trying.”
And I don’t understand why even depressed ppl harp on me for that sh*t when they’re in the same boat as me.
That’s why I resonated with your posts bc you’re not the type to believe in “well if you only thought more positive…” “well your life is your fault if you’re so pessimistic.” I can’t even connect with half the depressed community bc they also turn the knives on me too. Like f*ckall, YOU try being happy and thinking positive when you’re sick and your health is failing and you have difficulty with the most basic things (like breathing, eating, walking, you know LIFE).
That makes me so angry, but what can I do about that? Not engage with the depressed / chronically ill community either? I mean that IS what I’ve done but that is super lonely. Who then can I talk to?
Other depressed ppl are trying to get better and they think if they’re around “negative” and really depressed people, that we’d drag them down, so they discard me too.
I am being punished for a thought crime- how dare I be so negative and depressing.
I have literally 0 friends bc of that, no “normal” friends and not even chronically ill / depressed friends (the chronically ill / depressed ppl talk to me a bit but either stop after a while or we talk every now and then and it’s also limited).
Anyhow, it kinda makes me feel like I SHOULD do something awful, if I’m going to be shunned by all of society anyway. Sadly, that’s not my personality bc I’m too damned nice and have too strong of a conscience. Like the happiest ppl DON’T have strong consciences, that’s how they’re able to go around being happy despite all the terrible stuff they’ve done or the terrible stuff going on in the world. People who are too emotional or care too much are the ones who are usually depressed af.
Anyhow, that’s my rant about humans. Humans are shitty. And not just ppl who actively do bad things. Most ppl may not do “egregious” things, but they’re not great either. Most ppl just don’t very much about being nice or helping others. They’re selfish. Most ppl don’t give af about others, unless they feel like you can be of use to them in some way.
Anyhow, I have way too many rants about ppl. And yes, I’ve come to a point where I hate most humans. For the way they treat me when I have done literally NOTHING wrong to them or to the world.
I think it’s very hard to resist the urge to try and fix people who are stuck in negative feelings. The idea that some people might be beyond help is kind of terrifying, and forces one to engage with the harshness of this world. And that’s too much for most to handle. We need to be able to tell ourselves that things will be ok, as long as we do everything right. Therefore, anyone who is not ok must have failed in some regard.
I’ve experienced it from both sides: talking about my own experiences, wanting others to really engage with how I’m feeling, but finding myself frustrated/alienated by the superficiality of their proposed solutions. And on the other hand: listening to the experiences of others, feeling the urge to offer what seem to be simple solutions, and frustrated by their unwillingness to try things.
Maybe it takes a great degree of wisdom and compassion to fully engage with the despair of others without being dragged down by it. I suppose that’s why therapists can charge such a high rate.
I tend to only post here when my despair overwhelms me. It’s where I put the feelings I don’t know how to live with. The rest of the time, I’m trying to some degree to hold back the tide, because I couldn’t function if I fully acknowledged it.
I do believe that a positive mindset can help to some degree, but… it’s very hard to maintain the benefits of that, within a depressed state. Any positive affirmations I may repeat to myself start to ring pretty hollow after a while. What matters is what you actually believe about reality, deep down, what you feel about it, and that’s not something you can consciously shape with just words.
I suppose to some extent, friendship is transactional, at least initially. Trying to wrap your mind around someone else’s pain is generally challenging and draining, so it’s a big ask. We can talk a bit if you’d like, but I’m not much good as a friend. I’m pretty boring, and will probably be unable to resist arguing about everything in an annoying manner.
I don’t feel justified in hating people, probably because I actually have done a lot wrong. That’s not to say that I don’t hate, but if I believe there are reasons that lead me to act the way I do, I have to extend the same logic to others. There’s reasons people are arseholes, that extend back beyond themselves. The fault is with creation itself.
“Any positive affirmations I may repeat to myself start to ring pretty hollow after a while. What matters is what you actually believe about reality, deep down, what you feel about it, and that’s not something you can consciously shape with just words.”
exactly! i also “finding myself frustrated/alienated by the superficiality of their proposed solutions.”
just saying fluffy nice words doesn’t do sh*t for me. i think deep down those people know it doesn’t work for them too, bc they keep saying all those things and “thinking positive” and they’re still depressed, and it terrifies them so they lash out at ppl who flat out tell them the reality of useless fluff words.
“I don’t feel justified in hating people, probably because I actually have done a lot wrong.”
oh i definitely feel justified in hating the human race. when all you’ve ever done was be super nice to people, not done any wrong, etc, and life and ppl constantly shit on you, time and again and again, yes, that makes me hate ppl.
now don’t get me wrong. if i meet a nice person, i don’t hate that individual. it’s the whole of the human race in general that i hate. the general human attitude, the general human behaviour, etc.
“Any positive affirmations I may repeat to myself start to ring pretty hollow after a while.”
so how do we genuinely believe those things? how do we get to that point?? that is the core.
It’s understandable to hate humanity if your primary experience has been abusive. I might ask: what would you expect from a species of jumped-up apes? It’s kind of amazing to me that people manage to be as caring towards each other as they are much of the time. But then again, my primary perspective is experiencing the dark side of my own nature, so I’m effectively looking up at the rest of humanity, flawed as they are. There’s very few people who I’d feel justified in looking down on, and even then, I assume they’re the way they are because of factors ultimately beyond their control.
In terms of deep beliefs, I think it probably depends what it is you find personally unacceptable about reality. Is whatever you’re telling yourself accurate? If so, is there any emotional room for coming to terms with it, or is it something you just can’t live with? I’ve heard from some people that certain mind-expanding drug experiences can help to shift perspectives, & help the user to accept what previously seemed terrifying or unacceptable. But I’ve been too scared to try that so far.
i’ve heard those who are generally happy or ok with their lives tend to have good trips, but ppl who are unhappy or have troubling things going on tend to have bad trips. idk if that’s true or not (have not looked too much into psychedelics, mainly bc idk how to get them), but if it is true, then no i wouldn’t want to have a bad trip that fcuks me up more. well who knows. at this point, can it be worse? i mean given my luck maybe -_-
i would like to try microdosing psilocybin. i’ve heard that helps ppl with depression. but idk how to get them.
well if you ever try any of that stuff, let us know.
I do not look down on other ppl. I may hate humans and humanity in general, bc humans tend to be selfish and shitty creatures, but looking down at ppl is another thing entirely. Actually, that’s another thing that bothers me. Most white collar professional ppl (that’s my background and all my peers) almost all look down at blue collar ppl, like garbage collectors, or ppl who fix toilets, or whoever else. like what makes you SO much above them? but ppl feel the need to look down on ppl to make them feel better about themselves. I don’t do that, maybe that’s why I feel so shitty about myself lol. I don’t pretend to be any better than anyone.
if i did that like most everyone else, i probably would feel better about myself.
“what would you expect from a species of jumped-up apes? It’s kind of amazing to me that people manage to be as caring towards each other as they are much of the time.”
much of that is fake. ppl are phony af and generally do “nice” stuff for other ppl ONLY bc they expect something in exchange or for appearances. very few who are actually genuinely nice and expect nothing back.
also, have you thought deeply about evolution? i have and it seems like the way our ancestors outsurvived other species and our other homo relatives (like homo habilis, etc) WAS bc of the fact that WE were MORE ruthless and MORE vicious than they were, and we massacred them. that is why our species, the homo sapiens, were the only homo species that survived. we killed them all.
so yeah, that’s where we came from. maybe asshole is in our genes and bloodlines. that’s something i’ve realized and come to terms with, which is why i’m depressed, bc knowing that about humans is depressing af.
ask yourself this: is it easier to be mean or selfish, or is it easier to always be nice and think of others?
for most ppl, they have to consciously TRY to be good or do good, bc their instinct IS to be selfish/greedy/etc.
And most are thinking, “if i do this or say that, i’ll look good” or “if i do this or say that, i’ll look bad” and they’ll adjust what they outwardly do or say, but internally, most humans aren’t very nice. that is the reality of it at the end of the day.
No, it’s not what *I* find unacceptable about reality. Other ppl are the ones that have problems accepting reality, and me telling truth about life/humanity/depression, that bothers them. Like the fact that ppl who have depression usually have it for many years, decades or the rest of their life, no matter how much you tell yourself to think positive, and deep down they KNOW it, but me saying it does not work bothers them, bc if it worked, wouldn’t THEY not be depressed anymore? The fact of the matter is that we’ll struggle with depression for the rest of our lives, and THEY can’t accept that, bc they know deep down that’s probably the reality. I’ve accepted that reality long ago. Most ppl who try to push “think positive and say nice words” have not come to terms with that yet.
Yeah, I’ve heard that too about bad trips, part of what makes me scared. I’ve also heard it’s generally advisable to have someone to guide you through that kind of experience, which I don’t think would be safe for me, given the secrets I might unknowingly let slip. Microdosing might be a good way to approach that stuff though.
I do think most people have some kind of conscience, and genuinely feel like they should help others at least occasionally. They just spend most of the time too busy with their own shit.
We may never know for sure, but I remember hearing something about the competitive advantage our ancestors had over other hominids being to do with greater communication/intermixing between different groups. I’m sure there were plenty of massacres that happened along the way, but I don’t know if there’s evidence of outright genocide. To some degree there was interbreeding – with Neanderthals & Denisovans.
I’d agree arsehole is in our genes, to some extent. But so is co-operation, a capacity for empathy & altruism, and everything else we value. Hopefully, the future environment we create will select for more of the latter than the former. Or possibly we’ll replace ourselves with all-loving machines.
I think I mean something different by “come to terms with” or accept reality. I don’t just mean accurately perceiving the facts of the matter – I mean being emotionally ok with that perception.
For example, I know by any moral standards, I’m a terrible person. That’s the reality I perceive. My emotional reaction to that is that it’s unacceptable, and I don’t know how to live with it. But perhaps if I had a significantly moving psychedelic experience, it might dissolve my sense of ego enough that I could let go of the need to see myself as morally good.
“I do think most people have some kind of conscience, and genuinely feel like they should help others at least occasionally. ”
Yes, I agree most ppl have SOME kind of conscience, and feel like they SHOULD help others *occasionally.*
There’s a difference in having a conscience and acting on it, and a difference in knowing they OUGHT to help vs actually helping.
This is just an example, there’s many examples in lifel But Take for example a friend of mine who has CP (cerebral palsy). Throughout her life, her CP makes her fall a lot, and NOBODY would ever help her when she falls- in public, in broad daylight. Many many times. People would just watch and no one would help. Same thing happened to me when I tripped and fell down very badly one time, and I couldn’t get up (I wasn’t able to walk for 1.5 years after that fall so yeah it was a pretty bad one). There were ppl around, I saw them see me, they saw I couldn’t get up, but did anyone get up and help me? A bit fat NO.
So do I think the human species is pretty lousy? And am I disappointed that the human race isn’t better? You bet I do.
You think it’d be instinct to help someone up if you see them fall and lying on the ground. That would be my instinct, which I guess is why I can’t understand why other ppl aren’t like this. We all judge ppl based on our own perspective and expectations. Bc I’m the type that would help without even thinking about it, from my perspective ppl who don’t, are lousy. Maybe that’s expecting too much from humans, but I don’t think it is. If someone falls down, the decent thing to do is to help them. If the avg human does not, then the avg human suck.
That sucks that no one helped you or your friend. I feel like most people where I live would probably help someone in that situation. I’m certain everyone in my extended family would. I think even I probably would, and I’m the worst person I know. I do think it’s most people’s natural instinct to help someone who falls. Possibly it’s an urban/rural difference? (don’t know if you live in a big city?) I think in big cities people are much more likely to keep their heads down and ignore everyone around them. I also think people are often uneasy around disability and unsure what’s going on with a person, so that might’ve impacted your friend. People learn not to get involved with anyone who seems unusual.
Lousy compared to what? Would chimpanzees or gorillas do better? Why would you expect humanity to be any better than it is? Whatever motivates you to act in the way you do just isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. They missed out on something you didn’t, be it genetic or environmental. Luck of the draw. Maybe the average human does kind of suck. But if you understand that it’s not coming from a place of deep malice, I don’t think it makes much sense to hate them. We’re animals – we’re the way the universe made us.
yes, i’ve always lived in a big city, and ppl in big cities rarely ever stop to help, not just me or my friend, but in general. there have been studies done about that too, and it is real.
i tripped and fell, i wasn’t visibly disabled before the fall, but nobody came to help even though a bunch of ppl saw me. that’s just how shitty humans are. i’ve always grown up in a big city and the way ppl are there have shaped how i view the world/ppl in general. maybe it is a skewed view of the world, or perhaps it is the more accurate picture of the human species.
it may not be deep malice, but more like indifference and uncaring/apathetic. as i said, i do not hate any individual i don’t know. i just have a general negative view of the human species as a whole.
for ex, i may find children generally annoying as a whole, but if any child were to talk to me or say hi, i don’t hate that kid. Same with adults.
i think you’re conflating my dislike for humans on a species level to hating each and every individual person. humans as a whole are destroying the planet, there’s a lot to humans as a species i do not like, but it does not mean i hate any and every individual person simply bc they are human.
I’m not sure big-city life is the most natural example of human behaviour. I think we’re more evolved for living in small, tightly-knit communities. If you know on some level that you might see a person again, it gives a subconscious incentive to provide help, so you’re on good terms with those around you. In a big city, people become anonymous. You don’t have social links to most of those around you, so you don’t know who’s hostile/dangerous. So people tend to keep their head down and keep to their own business.
It’s understandable to take a dim view of our species, to feel disappointed. But I think you’d have to have had an idealistic expectation of humanity to begin with (I know I used to have one.) There’s nothing in the natural world to suggest we should be any better than we are. All we have pushing us in that direction are the various moral creeds developed from millennia of trying to live with each other.
I don’t know, I suppose my question again would be: what other species are you comparing us to? Which other species do you prefer? The animal kingdom is full of brutality and suffering. Humanity may be depleting the natural world currently, but it’s not like it was a garden of peace and harmony before. Death & predation are everywhere. In my view, humanity is one of the few species capable of becoming self-aware enough to step back from that brutality. That so many of us fail in that regard should not render that potential worthless.
i never said big city life is representative- it’s just what i grew up with. and if you grew up with apathy all around you, then you have a certain viewpoint ingrained in you since a young age. despite that, i suppose i did used to have higher expectations for our species, and that did lead to disappointment as i got older and seen so many ways people have been cruel to each other.
perhaps it is wiser to compare humans to other animals- but that isn’t something the avg person does. we compare humans to other humans and perhaps, a higher standard. in that case, humans have been quite disappointing. i understand what you mean, if we compared humans to the rest of the animals and organisms in this world, we are far from terrible bc most humans, plants, and microbes are vicious. nature isn’t beautiful- it’s full of creatures ready to strike anything and anyone in it’s bid to survive.
regardless, i find humans as a whole disappointing. i also find many people in my personal life disappointing. actually that’s a better word for how i feel about humans. i don’t hate humans so much as i find us incredibly disappointing. hate is reserved for the shitty ppl in my life that have done me wrong.
I would say nature is both beautiful and horrific, depending on your perspective. I spend a fair amount of time walking in woodlands, and being surrounded by the life of the trees is beautiful & calming. But at the same time, all around you animals are struggling to survive, suffering and dying, mostly hidden from view.
I suppose I also found humanity somewhat disappointing when compared to the ideals I grew up with. But over time, I just got used to viewing that kind of behaviour as natural. And now I’m frequently surprised when I see people going out of their way to help others with no benefit to themselves.
I guess it’s those you’re exposed to in your personal life that are the most key to shaping your view of people. My family have gone above and beyond to try to help me long after they should’ve cut ties, so I’m sure that influences my feelings somewhat.
i used to think nature was beautiful too- until i watched some documentaries as of late about plants, trees, etc. ppl think they’re innocent things, but they’re vicious. it’s hard to explain unless you’ve watched some of those videos- and no not the normal nature documentaries bc i grew up on that stuff.
well that’s the thing- i grew up in an abusive non-loving environment. i barely had enough to eat, no heat, no chair to sit in, and got beat almost every other day as a child. so yes, that shaped me into who i am today. it’s not easy to view the world as awesome and lovely when life was never this way for me, which is why i resent people telling me how wonderful life is, if i just thought positively. yeah, life was good- for THEM.
even in your case, it’s great your family has stuck by to to try to help you, even if you done them wrong. so yes, that shapes how you view the world. if all you had was ppl shitting on you AND you have done nothing wrong, it affects how you view this planet and the people in it.
obviously it’s much nicer to go around thinking life is great, people are awesome, etc etc, but my reality is my reality. easy to someone else to tell me how to think and feel when they aren’t in my shoes living my life and experiencing the crap i’ve experienced. not saying you’re doing that but ppl in general do. they judge me and tell me life is all my fault bc i’m too negative and refuse to believe how nice people are and how wonderful life is and if i just thought positive life will suddenly and magically be great.
Wait, plants are vicious too? How? I mean I suppose they’re often competing for sunlight and other resources, but at least they’re not suffering when they lose out (I hope!)
It makes sense that your abusive upbringing would shape your feelings towards humanity. I’m sure it is hard for that not to define your entire outlook, and obviously positive affirmations wouldn’t be enough to override such a formative experience.
You’ve been exposed to aspects of reality that most people are lucky enough to avoid. But I suppose it might also be good if you were able to acknowledge to yourself that that’s not all there is to reality? That life can also, sometimes, be awesome and lovely (despite often being horrific and brutal.) That people can, sometimes, be nice (while often being shitty and disappointing.) Even if that hasn’t been your personal experience.
I don’t mean at all that it’s your responsibility if you’re unable to really feel that. Maybe you’d need a lifetime of people going out of their way to treat you well to begin to counteract what you’ve been through. But if you could somehow get there, I do think that’d be a more balanced/healthy outlook on humanity and reality.
That’s what I’d consider to be “coming to terms” with reality. Accepting that it can be terrible, and that humanity will often let you down. While keeping in mind that it can also be wonderful, and that people can be great. I’m not sure how you’d get there. I clearly have no idea how to accept or come to terms with my own personal reality. I know a lot of people spend their whole lives trying to heal from traumatic experiences. But perhaps a start might be to intellectually acknowledge to yourself both the positive & negative, even if you only feel the negative? Then at least there might be some space for positive feelings to grow, if people do treat you better in future?
So I suppose in some ways I am telling you how to think, or at least what I think is a more holistic take on reality. As I said, I’m unable to resist the urge to argue. But even if I convinced you, I wouldn’t expect it to magically make you feel better, and I certainly wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t.
“I’m sure it is hard for that not to define your entire outlook, and obviously positive affirmations wouldn’t be enough to override such a formative experience.”
Yes, that’s why I resent all those multitudes of ppl just telling me to “think positive.” It 1- doesn’t work and 2- feels like ppl are blaming me for not being positive enough. (not saying you, but the way other ppl go about saying it definitely is)
So to back up- I haven’t been this dark and morose and “negative” my whole life- quite the opposite actually. Growing up, all that pain and brutality foisted upon me made me angry, and I wanted to show the world what I can do.
So despite all the abuse and the depression, I did everything I could to get myself out of that situation and into a better one.
I skipped a grade, took college classes at 15, finished HS in 3 years, went to college early, paid for all on my own (and loans ofc), so had NO help from family financially, worked 3-4 part time jobs each and EVERY semester to pay the bills, I joined the f*ing military as I needed the money badly for school and the military said they’d pay for tuition, so I went through basic combat training, broke my hip, but made it, all while being physically a shrimp (i was 5’4″ and 94lbs
when I enlisted), tons of ppl didn’t make it but I did, through sheer determination and stubbornness.
I graduated 3 mo after 9/11, ALL the companies rescinded their offers, withdrew from career fairs, NO ONE was hiring, especially in finance, which is in, as the financial sector in NYC took a HUGE hit back then.
I had NO ONE to help me back then. Everyone- all my friends and peers- they just went home and rode the wave and just waited for the market to be better and for companies to hire again.
Well, I didn’t have the luxury of waiting 9-18mo (the avg time it took my peers to find a job in the financial sector after 9/11. yes, it was really bad back then).
I applied to EVERYWHERE, non stop, bc I had no choice. I had no housing (had to extend housing and that extension was ending), no job after my semester ended, i was officially “graduated” so I couldn’t work on campus anymore (not that they paid a living wage), so I was stuck between a rock and hard place.
Long story short, I was “lucky” and got an offer in another state. I moved there, and quickly found out the job was not what it appeared to be. It was a job at the core to fight discrimination, yet my boss WAS the one being discriminatory. Oh the irony of that.
Found out she’s been doing that for at least 20 years, dozens have complained to HR and left and nothing has been done about it.
Anyhow, I guess that’s when my idealistic naive view of jobs/adulthood got crushed.
Anyhow, I got injured hitting a pothole and haven’t been right physically since. I wasn’t able to sleep and wasn’t able to keep going at a discriminatory job that I had to spend 100-120 hours at the peak busy time, so I quit.
I drove xcountry and I guess fell into a deep depression. The job wasn’t great and the work environment sucked, but it did give me structure and I did get up to go through the motions of a “normal” life. Without that structure, I fell apart. Oh yeah, I had a coworker who purposely gaslit me bc he wanted power and to control me, and it was a whole bunch of mindfuckery to get me to not rely on myself and whittled at my self-confidence and self-esteem. I have not been able to get that back since.
Anyhow, I went off on a tangent- what I had meant to say was that for most of my life, I was not all doom and gloom- I WAS “positive” in that I always thought I’d make it in life, be successful and make something of myself, and get rid of my depression. That’s what made me push myself so hard. So it’s not like I’ve always been so “pessimistic” about life.
What’s happened over the years is that I’ve come across terrible ppl who tried to do terrible things to me, as well as “normal” ppl who want nothing to do with you as soon as they find out you’re not “happy-happy” or you’re disabled or chronically ill. or don’t have a fancy job that they might like to use you for connections.
I moved to another state, got hit by a car crossing the street by some jackass who didn’t want to stop at the light, then LIED to the cop when the police arrived, and the shitty cop didn’t even talk to me until hours later he arrrived at the ER and told me “I got the whole story from everyone else.” And who’s everyone else? The asshole who hit me and lied saying it was a green light. Anyhow, that cop and the POS driver screwed me over. My whole life is ruined bc of what they did to me.
I’m injured from head to toe, have difficulty with life, that’s already bad enough, but now everyone I meet, online or in person, is just so cruel. They’re always yelling at me and blaming me for “not thinking positive enough” or “not trying hard enough” when I can guarantee you THEY could not handle a fraction of what I have to deal with on a daily basis. So yeah, the last few years I’ve turned angry and bitter. All I needed was someone to listen to me and not judge me. Or yell at me and blaming me for my life being the way it is.
Long story short- I WAS “positive” for most of my life. It just comes to a certain point where your health has deteriorated so much that it’s really fucking difficult to “just think positive” and “just be happy” or “just go for a walk” or “go journal.”
I’m beyond that. Walks or journaling don’t help. Telling me, or yelling at me to “be more positive” doesn’t work and doesn’t help.
What helps is if even ONE fucking person actually either 1- listens to me without judgement or 2- someone actually HELPING me with life so things aren’t so difficult for me. But instead of helping, those people just yell at me for being “negative” and “lazy.”
Try being as sick as I am. See how happy or positive you can be with long term health issues. Try being so lonely bc no one wants to to help or be near a disabled/sick person. Try NOT being depressed bc that’s how the world treats sick/disabled ppl.
But go ahead, just yell at me for being lazy and not “positive” enough. SO yeah, at this point, the last few years, I have gotten angry and bitter. I wasn’t like that before, and even before when I was more “positive” life still shit on me, so it’s not like bad things stop as soon as I “think positive.”
btw- when i say “you,” i don’t mean you specifically. i meant all the ppl that’s treated me bad, and future ppl who most definitely will continue to say “think positive” and blame and yell at me if I don’t.
i’m tired of everyone not allowing me to feel what i feel. why can’t ppl just accept that other ppl may think or feel a certain way, and it’s 1- beyond their control and 2- how can you be angry at how someone else feels? it’s not like i want to be depressed. it’s not like i don’t want to be “positive.” i just know from decades of trying that no amount of telling myself empty hollow “positive” words that somehow, magically, i’m all cured and happy!
if it worked, why haven’t THEY also been cured of THEIR depression? If it worked, why are there still MILLION of ppl still suffering from crippling depression? It’s not like anyone CHOOSES to be miserable and depressed.
and it’s not like all those millions of ppl haven’t also heard of “think positive” and all that crap.
It’s easier for ppl to BLAME the individual depressed person rather than to acknowledge that might be a fundamental problem with society or people.
Or even that aside, there’s a fundamental problem with economic inequality- there are millions of ppl who don’t make enough money despite working full time, and yet the blame always goes to the individual- well just get a better job, or go get a better degree or get better skills, when the reality is that companies simply aren’t paying us the wages they used to, and a LOT of ppl are suffering. But ppl love to blame the individual. When the problem is systemic and goes beyond the millions of ppl who work hard and still can’t make ends meet.
I’m just using the above as an example of how ppl blame others for having problems instead of recognizing there is a larger systemic problem- in that case it’s low wages, ballooning cost of living, housing, food, etc. But ppl love to blame the individual struggling rather than admit there’s a larger systemic problem in place.
When it comes to our modern society (not talking about me) but in general, there’s a very high rate of depression, bc we live in large cities or large suburban areas, everyone is nameless and faceless, ppl aren’t connecting with ppl anymore, despite the ease of social media, heck I am old enough to remember a time BEFORE the WWW and people ACTUALLY had real friendships and connections. There is a high incidence of depression in current times bc ppl just don’t feel like they are important or their lives have meaning, bc the jobs they do are meaningless or soul crushing (ie simply generating profit for corporations).
There’s a larger component to depression in the US than just MY own depression. I know what my issues are, but I also know there’s a ton of physically healthy ppl suffering from depression due to a lack of meaning and purpose in their lives, and that stems from the way our society is structured. We are now all cogs in a wheel, and if you don’t work fast enough, the wheel will run you over.
That’s why when ppl say or try to tell themselves pretty little words like being positive, it doesn’t work. It doesn’t reach the core issue. It’s like we’ve both said, all society offers is a band-aid to sop up the blood, but does nothing to stop the bleeding.
Nothing is going to change or get better if the core issues aren’t addressed and fixed. No amount of “happy thoughts” or “happy words” is going to enough, beyond maybe a few hours or a few days. Then the depression is back.
I am the person who realizes pretty words don’t work, and ppl can’t accept that. So they shun and blame me, when they know what I’m saying is the truth, bc if it worked, then why are THEY all still depressed? People are afraid of the truth. Afraid that if pretty words don’t work, then what do they do? People clutch to pretty little words bc that’s the only thing they can think of, and if you refuse to acknowledge it works in your own life, bc it doesn’t, ppl get angry at you, bc they’re scared to admit to themselves that pretty words don’t work and that they might be depressed and can’t get out of it either.
At the end of the day, “thinking positive” isn’t going to get those heavy groceries to carry itself, it isn’t going to make me any less poor and affording things not a challenge, thinking positive isn’t going to chop up my food when my hand hurts, etc. I will still have all those problems. If some would bring over a plate of casseroles (not that i even like casseroles) to show that they care, that would help more than a million “think positives”
Anyhow, with all of that being said, is it better to be more positive than negative? OFC. I know that and I recognize that. But it’s not something I can change nor will myself to change (oh trust me you have no idea how much I’ve tried). If I can’t will it to happen, then no amount of *other* ppl yelling at me and telling me what to think is going to make it happen.
So the best ppl can do is to just listen, understand and feel compassion. And allow the person to feel what they feel. It’s not like I haven’t tried anything and everything anyone could suggest. And I’m tired of meeting bad ppl who like to take advantage or see me as an easy prey, which is why I now hide away from society.
Anyhow, I’m just a sad sad of potatoes at this point. I get no one wants to be around a depressed person, but I also have not been able to pull myself out of my depression, despite “thinking positively.” Nor have millions of others who’ve also told themselves to “think positively.”
And you yourself have said telling yourself such hollow words to yourself doesn’t offer a lasting solution.
It does sound like you’ve had a very hard time. People are generally scared of depression and despair, and acknowledging the worst parts of reality. Nobody wants to think that it could happen to them. So it can be difficult to be around someone in that state. I think genuine compassion takes a huge effort to maintain, and it drains out of people fast (“compassion fatigue.”)
What can you say to someone who’s had something awful happen to them? Either “I’m so sorry”, or “that’s fucked up.” That’s about it. It’s kind of like despair is contagious, and people struggle to resist it. If you allow yourself to fully comprehend someone else’s sorrow, it leaks into you. So you change the topic, or you offer solutions, or you look for reasons it’s the persons’ fault. “Laugh & the whole world laughs with you. But cry, and you cry alone.”
But yeah…it seems like you could use several decades of working with a pricey therapist, trained to compassionately and non-judgementally listen, so you can express and process all the negative things you feel. Along with all the material & financial resources needed to help with your physical health problems. And the social/relationship/community support that many people take for granted.
It’s understandable that you feel the way you do, and I wish things were different for you. We can keep talking as long as you’d like, but as previously mentioned, I’m not much good as a friend or with conversation. I’m generally a pretty terrible person, and I probably will feel the need to argue you out of your feelings from time to time (or repeat back to you things you’ve already said.)
“But yeah…it seems like you could use several decades of working with a pricey therapist”
therein lies the problem. 1- i don’t have the resources to pay for a pricey therapist. 2- it takes a lot of time and money to find a good one. most are bad or unhelpful, and this is from both personal experience as well as talking to tons of ppl about their experiences with a therapist.
just bc someone is a therapist doesn’t mean they are good or can help you.
that’s fine, i didn’t expect us to be “friends” or “bosom buddies.” at least you admit to being a terrible friend and not a very great person in general. that’s at least something.
the reason for my recent gripe against humanity and humans is my recent interaction with a wolf in sheep’s clothing- she masquerades on the surface as this sweet and loving lady, but she’s a manipulator, a user and a gaslighter. she reaches out with a helping hand, and then kicks you in the face, and like any abuser, bc sweet again, only to repeat the cycle. she’s evil and i hate ppl who are like that, ppl who pretend they are so sweet to the whole world, but they’re really just evil. and no, it’s not just my conjecture. she openly admitted to purposely picking fights with me, and told me she literally gets a dopamine hit off of being mean to ppl, and says it’s addictive. like wtf?
so at least you admit to being a wolf. better than a lie and pretend at least. and yes, i do sense that about you, even if we both agree on something, you’ll have the urge to argue with me, just to argue.
i probably wont stay on SP for long anyhow.
“it seems like you could use several decades of working with a pricey therapist”
ha, well i’ll be dead in several decades (if i don’t off myself by then), but you know, it would just be my luck to finally find my peace on earth, and then die. i honestly believe that would happen.
i don’t know how to get out of the deep hole i’m in. i’m depressed bc:
1- i’m physically sick, and i won’t get better unless i have a lot of money, which i won’t have if i’m sick and can’t work or think of some venture i can realistically do
2- i don’t have friends or SO bc i’m depressed and nobody wants to be near depressed ppl. but i can’t be happy if i’m so lonely and have no friends. but i can’t make friends being so depressed. you see how all this is a vicious cycle?
3- i can’t afford a good pricey therapist, and they are hard to find. no one can help me.
4- life isn’t going to be any easier if i don’t have someone to help me with stuff, like driving me, getting groceries, clean, etc. or have enough money to pay someone to help me.
i am stuck in this ratwheel of depression and loneliness and lack of help. so what do i do?
I think a lot of therapists want to feel like they’re teaching people how to improve themselves. They don’t like the thought of just sitting there for hours while a person reels off everything that’s been troubling them, without being able to offer solutions. Which is a shame, because as you’ve said, sometimes people just want to feel heard, and some experiences are too much to offload on friends or family.
I didn’t mean to imply we could never be friends, just that I’m not good at it. I suppose in some ways I am a wolf, but I don’t think that’s all that I am. I don’t generally like being mean or picking emotional fights. But I do like to question things people say, because I suppose that’s part of what I find interesting/enjoyable about conversation. Which I’m sure can be extremely irritating. It’s not that I like upsetting people, and I’m actually pretty conflict avoidant. But I feel the urge to test what’s being said, as a way of exploring reality.
It may indeed be that your situation is not solvable. I’m sure there are always small things anyone can do to improve their life, but that might not get close to addressing your actual issues.
If you don’t think there’s a way to make enough money to get better while you’re sick, then it seems like you have to accept being physically sick. Does that mean you can’t lead a meaningful life? It seems like some people with chronic illnesses & disabilities do still find their lives to be meaningful, but I don’t know what’s required to get to that state. Is depression a necessary outcome of being physically ill?
I’m the last person who should ever give advice regarding friends or relationships, even if I wasn’t depressed. I suppose it’s a question of what it’s like to be around you, given that relationships are at least initially somewhat transactional. How does your depression manifest when you’re with someone? Are you able to overcome it, at least for short periods? If you can manage the occasional coffee with someone without giving off a vibe of overwhelming existential despair, then maybe you could slowly turn it from a vicious cycle into a virtuous one? You get some contact, you feel a little less lonely, you’re able to handle more extensive contact, you feel a bit happier, and so on. Rather than it being an all or nothing thing, it becomes something you gradually scale up.
I’ve got nothing when it comes to needing help to cope with day to day tasks. Be born in a country that takes care of disabled people? You’re right, the system sucks. A lot of people have family to help with that kind of stuff, but you clearly don’t, and you don’t want to put that kind of dependence on other kinds of relationships until they’re well established.
“It seems like some people with chronic illnesses & disabilities do still find their lives to be meaningful, but I don’t know what’s required to get to that state.”
They usually have people/family that love and support them. They are the lucky few. Most disabled ppl suffer in silence, being shunned by family and society. For every story about a disabled person overcoming adversity, there are 100 who don’t make it. Every single one of those cases where someone disabled (or just a healthy person who became sick), they got better and are happy only BECAUSE they had loving family/SO. Each and every single positive case. It’s exceedingly rare for someone sick or disabled to do it on their own.
“If you can manage the occasional coffee with someone without giving off a vibe of overwhelming existential despair, then maybe you could slowly turn it from a vicious cycle into a virtuous one?”
Done that for years, when I was less sick. My disabilities are invisible (there’s pros and cons to that). I hid it for well over a decade. But age and health makes it harder now. Back then, I hid it well, no one knew. But you can’t make any real friendships or connections beyond the shallow going to movies or dinner or whatelse. You’ll always have to hide a HUGE part of yourself from people. And you’ll always have to lie/be vague in your answers whenever something comes up where the real answer will give away your health/finances/disabilities, etc.
and as i’ve said, it’s only been recently that i’ve been giving off depressed/angry vibes, since covid. since covid, i haven’t been interacting much with the public, pretty much stayed to myself last few years. prior to that, i did try and go out, meet people, hide all my issues. but hiding 90% of my life means it just they don’t get beyond the surfacy level of friendship. it’s just not satisfying. it’s like eating a single bean or pea for dinner when you want/need more than that. but even that i can’t seem to maintain now. being chronically ill means i have a few good days here and there mixed in with the bad (say 3/30 days). on those few good days (or rather hours, it doesn’t last that long), i feel great, i feel happy, everything lifts, but it never lasts. when i am healthy, i am much happier (may not be happy-happy) but definitely infinitely much better. when i am sick, which is almost all day every day now, it tough NOT to be depressed/dark/angry. that’s what ppl don’t understand. they don’t FEEL the difference health makes. they can only understand on a level THEY understand- which is why it’s always just think positive, go draw, go for a walk, etc. it’s an instant flip of a switch from being stable-ish, happy enough-ish, to instantly omg i want to fucking die cuz everything is shit. people who aren’t chronically ill simply don’t know how life is when health dictates your mood, and it can go from happy to hell in an instant, or from hell to hey, things are great.
btw, ppl who are chronically ill have good and bad health days. it’s not like it’s a flat line. and our depression and “positive thinking” changes as we fluctuate on our ups and downs. i know what you’re thinking, is it possible to still be possible to have “positive thinking” when you’re down? yes and no, it depends on your level of health. as my health as deteriorated over the past 15 years, it gets harder and harder to just “think positive” bc the symptoms get worse and worse and just push it aside, or will yourself to be happy, etc. it’s really hard to explain to someone who’s not sick.
well that’s the problem- EVERYONE wants to “challenge my way of thinking,” never allowing me to actually FEEL what I feel. sick and disabled feel have a right to feel the way they feel. to constantly be told you can’t think this way, or feel that way, is completely invalidating and dismissive.
what would happen if the world ACTUALLY allows sick and depressed ppl to feel what they feel? We are NEVER allowed to feel depressed. Always told and yelled to think positive, and if we our lives are terrible, then it MUST be YOUR fault.
it’s like telling a little boy “you CAN’T cry bc you’re a man, and calling the boy “weak” bc he cries, rather than just allowing the boy to cry it out and say it’s ok, and then he eventually gets over it on his own. constantly telling him he’s a weak pansy for crying will only make it worse. that’s what the world does to depressed and chronically ill ppl.
there is NO Place where we can just be allowed to FEEL. not in regular society and not in depression groups or suicide groups. we are NEVER allowed to feel depressed or think depressed thoughts. It’s always you HAVE to be positive and think positive. Like none of us here on SP haven’t tried that? Most to no avail.
People who are depressed or suicidal aren’t looking for ppl telling them to think positive. They’ve ( and you) have heard it all a million times. Nothing you could say I haven’t heard before. And if you were down, nothing I could say about staying positive isn’t something you haven’t heard before.
Most ppl here on SP and elsewhere are just hurting. Very few ppl understand our pain. We just want to be heard, to be understood, to feel cared for, to feel loved, to feel valued. To not feel alone. So we reach a hand out. But then we just get kicked and yelled for not being “positive enough.”
Anyway, you know it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for me, what is the point of pushing? People always give the same advice to others that others have given them while they were down, but did that given advice help them when it was reversed? Long term and not fleeting day or two.
Anyhow I’m tired of arguing. I feel what I feel and think what I think. There is NO fucking way of changing my feelings and thoughts, believe me I have tried every fucking positive shit over the past several decades. If it hasn’t worked the last 100x, why would it work now?
You’re smart enough to know this. If the role were reversed and everyone else was trying to tell you not to be so hard on yourself or not be so depressed and the answer is to just think positive and happy thoughts, has it cured you of your depression?
btw, ppl arguing with me goes nowhere. if all ppl do is come at me telling me i’m wrong for being negative and how i should just think positive, it’s pointless. it’s not like i don’t already know it’s not good to be negative and depressed. do ppl think depressed ppl are dumb? it’s not like we don’t know logically it’s NOT good to be negative and depressed. to actually NOT feel that way is another story.
it’s not like i haven’t tried every “trick” in all those self help books to whisper happy words to myself in the mirror, etc. it’s like you yourself said, it is fleeting and hollow, and isn’t a “fix”
I didn’t mean you should hide your disabilities in social interactions. I was more thinking about not communicating your feelings of despair, at least initially. I’m sure there are many people who are judgemental about disability/unemployment/poverty. But I also know that’s not everyone. There’s no reason you should have to hide that stuff. I’ve had casual friends in the past who were fine with me being unemployed, poor, and having crippling socially anxiety And other friends who were forced to retire early due to health issues. They were accepted. What stopped me from connecting more fully was the realisation that they wouldn’t be able to accept the things I’d done in my past. There are good people out there, who are accepting of disability & unemployment. It’s just a question of finding them. I would recommend hippy types, people living alternative lifestyles etc. Tend to be less judgemental of that sort of stuff, less materialistic etc.
Anyway…it seems like you’d really like to just express your feelings, to someone who cares. But as previously mentioned, relationships are generally somewhat transactional, at least to begin with. So people generally find it hard to deeply care about those they’re not related to, don’t feel obligations to, haven’t shared formative experiences with etc.
But supposing you found this infinitely patient and compassionate person who was willing to just sit and listen to you express your feelings, only responding with sympathetic sounds and validating comments (“that sounds hopeless”)… do you think it would actually significantly improve how you feel?
I ask, because when I post my despair here, the thought that others might read it makes me feel a little less alone. But if all I got was comments along the lines of “yeah, I feel bad for you, it sounds like you’re fucked”, I don’t think it would make me feel better. Although I sometimes want my despairing feelings to be acknowledged and understood, I don’t actually want them to be reinforced or validated. Because continuing to function to any degree requires me to keep them at bay. Even if they are totally natural responses to an intolerable reality.
There’s no reason you should have to hide that stuff.
There are good people out there, who are accepting of disability & unemployment. It’s just a question of finding them. I would recommend hippy types, people living alternative lifestyles etc. Tend to be less judgemental of that sort of stuff, less materialistic etc.”
Yeah no, I live in the hippiest of hippy areas (SF Bay) and ppl are shitty and judgemental af. Not a single one is understanding of chronic illness and lack of employment. Your case is different. People see short term as ok, but not a lifelong disability. If people think you’ll be sick forever, why bother being near the person? Especially when it’s a disability they cannot see, like a wheelchair or something.
Not too many people who are fully accepting exist.
And no, this is NOT just me. This is the case for every single person I’ve ever met in mall my chronic illness groups- ppl like me who are sick with health and autoimmune issues but look fine on the outside. Heck, I told you, my friend who HAS cerebral palsy and has a visible disability get treated like shit too. So no, the world is NOT understanding. For us, the world is cruel, and people are cruel to us.
” I was more thinking about not communicating your feelings of despair, at least initially.”
You think I go around doing that? I ALWAYS have to hide everything. The second people know you’re depressed or have any long-term health issues, they turn on you. They go from being “friend” to being assholes to you, or just stop talking to you altogether.
That’s been my experience and the experience of other chronically ill ppl. Do good people exist? Sure. You don’t think I haven’t tried finding those people? You don’t think all my chronically ill people haven’t tried either? Almost every single one of them have issues with friendship and loneliness. And no, it’s not just a few people I’ve met. I’ve met a TON in person, joined all the groups at one point when I had more energy. I’ve joined a bunch of online groups, with tens of thousands of people, and it’s always the same- loneliness and rejection and blame and finger-pointing they also get from the rest of the world. So no, it’s not just me.
I was more thinking of “hippy” in the traditional sense – poor, crusty, under-employed, living out of vans or off the grid. Rather than rich tech professionals who wear sandals. I’m afraid this may be another issue with living in one of the wealthiest urban areas on the planet.
I told you I’ve been friends with someone forced to retire early due to health issues. They were never going back to work, and their health issues weren’t clearly visible. They were still accepted by some of us. Maybe not by “society in general”. But the point was just that they were able to have friends.
I don’t really understand your issue with friendship, if you’ve met a ton of people in chronic illness groups who have similar experiences? Presumably they’re not judgemental of your illness, and you wouldn’t have to hide it from them? So what’s the barrier there?
I’ve never said “the world is understanding” or “people are not cruel to you”. I don’t think I’ve made any generalizing statements about reality as a whole. I think all I’ve suggested is that SOME people are more accepting than your purely negative experiences indicate.
I know not ALL ppl are non-accepting, but they are FEW and far in between. And no, I have not met any long term ones.
“I don’t really understand your issue with friendship, if you’ve met a ton of people in chronic illness groups who have similar experiences? Presumably they’re not judgemental of your illness, and you wouldn’t have to hide it from them? So what’s the barrier there?”
bc depressed and chronically ill ppl make the lousiest friends. depressed and chronically ill ppl tend to be sick with their own issues, so we can never really meet up, go out, hang out, etc. I have tried it with a bunch of ppl in the past, and they always blip out and disappear at some point.
i have not met a “normal” healthy person who is understanding in the long run. that’s not to say they don’t exist, but i haven’t met any. even depressed ppl are not accepting when i refuse to believe that simply “thinking positive” is going to do anything for me, bc it’s been tried and done a million times. if it hasn’t worked 1000x, why would it work the 1001 time? the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results. and ppl don’t like that i wont try to “think positive.”
anyhow, even other depressed ppl can’t handle depressive thinking, so what normal person can?
That’s a shame. Seems like likeminded people should be able to make a friendship work, but I guess you’d need to have the capacity to actually stay in touch. I don’t think attempting to force positive thinking is necessarily effective, but I do think reinforcing your negative feelings essentially removes any possibility of change. Other than possibly catharsis, I can’t really see how it helps. You’re able to tell yourself “it’s hopeless”, and perhaps that removes the pressure of uncertainty. And maybe it really is hopeless – no one else can fully comprehend your situation. But you seem to want to have that confirmed & validated?