I just realized I’m probably a very annoying person, even when I’m in a good mood. I just can’t seem to shut up…
My stepdad and I were just fucking around as always, but then he said something about how I am and always “give him a headache when he talks”. I know he was joking, I hope he was anyway, but it was just kind of hurtful. And in a roundabout way I said that it was, I basically just said that if he was someone else it would hurt my feelings a lot. He’s not a bad guy at all, we mess around all the time, and he can be pretty funny. I…I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Maybe he’s right, even if he didn’t mean it.
Maybe because of this, I deserve to feel alone. Nobody wants to hang around somebody who’s annoying and obnoxious and just all over the place. Maybe I should try to change. What gets me is that I’m probably much worse when I’m in a good mood, because I get kind of hyper sometimes. Other than that, I’m relatively quiet the majority of the time. Well, I think I am anyways. I wonder if I’m just remembering wrong, and I really bother people that much. I really don’t mean to…
I just kind of want to hide in my bed and cry right now, but no tears are coming. I’d just lay here, my blankets covering my face, holding my stuffed animals, silently hoping to fade away. At least all of my inanimate objects can’t ever find me annoying, sad or not. I’m sick of feeling anything at all, it all just ends up bad again and I want it to stop. I don’t even want to be around anyone right now.
I need to stop being like this. This stupid, weak, annoying person. I don’t know how to change this exactly, but I need to change it. I don’t even really know what things about me that need to change. I’m so sick of looking at myself, hearing my voice, typing meaningless nonsense on all my screens. I need to be better than this and stop being dumb, or just die. I guess it wouldn’t matter either way, because I’m worthless anyway, right? I feel so horrible, I don’t mean to be like this, I don’t know what’s wrong with me…
3 comments
Now lets get real here. It’s not my custom to read posts til the end from ‘annoying’ posters. I only read ‘interesting’ posters. Ur posts i read in their entirety. That must mean ur interesting and not annoying.
I think the missing ingredient is a healthy amount of narcissism. It took me years to get there, and I still don’t have as much as is common around me. It’s saying to yourself; Yes, I get on some people’s nerves. So what? Apparently some people like this person I am.
You can only change into someone you want to be. You have to be going towards the goal, not running away from a problem. Maybe. I’m as depressed as anyone else, but I like myself…. so the difference is I don’t think I deserve it.
i remember talking with a close friend recently, confessing- I wish people would let me in to the quieter parts of their lives, just a tiny bit, se silence could speak more than my constant blabbering would.
My heart goes out to you- nobody deserves to be thought of in any lesser regard just because they are “annoying” or whatever,
sending quiet care-