I feel like there will never be another day as bright as I want, one that I want to wake up to. I’m overthinking everything in my life as I have always done, and it’s getting a bit tiring. I’m not feeling enough, I figured out. I’ve never been good at recognising emotions, now I’m really good at avoiding them. I have a lot of distractions. They don’t help me when everything’s over and I have to sleep.
Anyway, what I figured out is, I have no hobbies outside of drugs and alcohol. There’s nothing else that motivates me or can seem to possibly ever in the future motivate me. I can’t find that will to live and enjoy it again, like when I was younger. I’m no longer perpetuating an endless cycle of self-hate, I’m actually trying this time. I’m trying now to break free of the cage I recently discovered I live in- the cage of who I am-, and I just feel so stumped because I don’t know how I’m supposed to do it exactly, and I don’t know how it’s going to help. I just know I have to do something more intentional than I’ve been doing so far, something more complicated than brushing my hair every morning. For the first time in a while, I’m trying to get in a state in which productivity isn’t the most satisfying goal around to achieve. Meaning find something I enjoy doing for the sake of doing, apart from using the internet. I just can’t. It’s been a long time, and it makes me feel like I’m not being true to myself, or like a half person. I just don’t enjoy anything anymore is the problem, and I have no motivation to try new things or dabble in old. I have to though, and I will.