I know that I’ve missed being here, which is why I found a way even though I’m on my travel laptop and on local wifi. I’m on an 8 day out of state vacation with some of my friends. Really I’ve just come along, but they’re working hard to make me feel like it is my vacation.
The point is, out here, far away from all the things I’ve learned to hate, I feel lighter. I feel closer to being free. Some part is just that opportunities not to be in the state I live in are rare. So having all these different things feels liberating just because it isn’t what I know. Hurts to know how the sausage is made and whatnot. I can’t afford to move here at present… and if I could there would be places I would rather be for the same price.
I really feel like I’m on vacation from my problems. I don’t have to be clenched for what might happen, because things are so quiet, so nice. But I am clenched to go back. I don’t want to go back. Even though going back means having my bed, my games, my bicycle. It feels like willingly putting the handcuffs and restraints back on. Like I’m on visitation or parole, but only for a short bit, only to make the imprisonment seem unpleasant by comparison.
Still trying to figure out how to get an emotional outlook on grad school, still need to get it paid for. We found a union run grocery store, and it was strangely amazing to not feel guilty for food shopping.
I guess it’s a net positive, knowing that at the very least the people who live here have different problems. It gives me hope, maybe my problems could be different. It really feels pathetic to have the same antagonists I had as a teenager. I need some new monsters to fight, maybe some I don’t have to hate so much.