I’m exhausted, physically as well as mentally. I’m trying my best though. I’m glad this week is over, even though it’s only been 3 days (for school). I know theres a lot I could be stressing about that needs to be done in that regard, but I’m ignoring it for now as much as I can. Ignore, distract, overthink, panic, numb, the cycle continues. Oh well. I’ve barely been able to eat because I’ve been so overwhelmed and it makes me sick. I don’t need as much food as I eat anyways, I need better self control. I’d probably look a lot prettier that way.
But anyway.
Part of me is glad I was at school the majority of the day because if I were home I think I would’ve tried to end things for good. I specify try because I dont think I have many effective methods here, the aftermath would be messy. Now I’m too tired to bother doing anything. Part of me worries that it’ll overwhelm me again later tonight though. Part of me doesnt care.
I wish I could just stop thinking. I wish thoughts didnt exist. I wish I never existed. Life is shitty and so am I. It exhausts me. What does it matter if I’m gone, at this point? I don’t know. The thoughts are so fucking loud. Everything hurts.
I feel so vile like the worthless fuck I am. I wish I could help her more but I’m so far away and I can only do so much and it’s all my fault. I don’t know what stopped me from killing myself at that time like I was going to. I could’ve just ended it here, after mom sent us back all because of me. Ahh idk anymore.
I’m speaking nonsense now, as per usual. I feel like theres a lot more to say but I dont know how or even what. I just know that I’m hurting a lot.
As for the people who commented on my last post, I’d like to say thanks. It was nice to see what you had to say and that you even cared enough to reply. It made me feel better. So thank you.