I’m so fucking tired. I did what all of these dickshit fucking therapists say. “Do fucking yoga”, “take deep breaths”, “see loved ones”, “eat good”. Shit I’ve done fucking all of it, and I’m still ready to blast my fucking brains out. I’m so tired of this being the constant. I’ve used up all my energy to get to the fucking point I can do all the bullshit they say you’re supposed to, but it doesn’t mean shit when you’ve already attempted a few times. Nothing fucking changes, nothing’s going to until I do myself in or something else takes me out. God fucking damn.
I remember a few years back, I was with this piece of shit who was breaking up w me on and off and trying to get me kicked out of my housing situation so I’d be back w my folks and he’d have more control. He kept telling me to “just Google how not to be depressed”. He’s a pathetic miserable asswipe now, he came groveling back to me after a month, and by that time, I’d gained some self respect and moved on. Maybe I should message him, see how well his dickshit advice is working for him, haha.
And yet, even after I’ve picked myself up out of this fucking hole, time and time the fuck again, I’m still stuck googling that same fucking horseshit line. They always say “you just need to keep picking yourself back up”, but mf I have, I always have. I’m more in shape than I’ve ever been, I’m wicked productive, I’ve got goals for the first goddamn time in my life, and suicide is still the light at the end of the tunnel, the little reward for making it through the next step. It’s my only fucking motivator.
Heard some advice from one of these “here’s how to fix your depression” therapists: “don’t skip the reward; if you say you’re going to reward yourself for doing a task, follow through on that reward”. How can I do anything but oblige, at this point?
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Same story here, did everything they told me to do and it just doesn’t work. That guy who told you to google a cure for depression is unfortunately the majority of the human race, people who dismiss reality with quippy “help is available” or “reach out” or “call the suicide prevention line” so they can feel like they did their good deed even though they’re just making it worse.
I recently read an excellently written article on mental health, the only such one I’ve ever read, that described the mental health industry as a concrete building with an entrance but no exit. Everyone points to the building and says there’s your answer, but those who go inside realize it’s just another dead end. Meanwhile more people keep getting sent there. Nobody sees the trap until they’ve been trapped themselves.
I’m not entirely clear on one thing; are you experiencing times without suicidality, or is it constant? Sorry if it seems an obvious question.
I can relate to having dug out only to find yourself crashing back into hopeless depression… third round at least for me of that. This time though, I’m not fighting it as much. Yes, I have to fight back suicidality…. and it sucks. At the same time; not aspiring to much takes most of the pressure off. I think “getting better” is a convenient trap.
It makes other people feel better, not so much me. Yes, there are some thrills, but they don’t justify how low I get when I lose whatever progress I’ve made. Pulling out is simple on paper; have a goal worth fighting for. I don’t. Everything I’ve ever wanted pales in comparison to the pain of trying and falling flat on my back.