It’s odd, fighting shame as long as I have, finding that I can still be truly pathetic. Today, just in general.
I know what I blame it on, my coffee maker broke. Yesterday I went out for coffee, but I wanted to believe I didn’t need it…. man was I wrong. So wrong. Depressingly wrong.
It’s not just the alertness, it’s the pain. My knees feel like someone hit them with something. I feel in general in a fog, and it took me at least an hour longer to make dinner than I intended, and it wasn’t particularly labor intensive.
Two roads diverge from here, continue my dependency, or attempt to break free….. neither are particularly pleasant, honestly
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Coincidence, I came here just now to post about my coffee dependence and saw this. I know you’re talking about more than coffee, but yeah this really sums up everything. It sucks to suddenly realize how desperately we cling to these insignificant things because that’s all we have.
There are mornings when I lie awake for hours trying to think of any reason to get up, any reason to live through another day and literally the only answer is coffee. How’s that for pathetic?
I have those mornings too, coffee or nicotine get me out of bed a fair amount of the time.
The weird thing here is that I am entirely capable of shaking these addictions, habits really considering how little help I’d need to stop… but the thing is that would involve pulling myself up, wanting to be alive again. As long as I’m indulging, I can relieve myself that I’m doing my best to die, it’s just going to take some time.
It’s been like this the past year. I can see the bottom step, the first one…. but I’ve come to resent it. I’ve pulled it all together before, and on the other side of that is a pain that makes the pain in my knees look so small. Getting healthy, and having the shit beat out of you, I don’t recommend it.
Right now I’m trying to figure out if I’m going to start the road to recovery here in faith that the next step will support it, or if I have to wait and see if this promise of help will amount to anything. That’s the real addiction; I’m hooked on how good it feels to raise my middle finger to the society that failed me.
Whoever said “living well is the best revenge” never fought the enemies I have.