never realized how much that word describes me. i’m remembering bits of my childhood that i don’t even know how i forgot. i had no friends. parents would go days without talking to me. i wanted to run away and get away from it all even when i was young. i don’t belong anywhere. i’m just in the way when i’m with people. especially family.
i guess it’s my own fault, like literally everything else at this point. it’s just difficult to even want to keep going when you’re constantly alone or pushed away or never taken seriously. when you feel like a constant burden of life itself. i think selfishness is what’s holding me back. despite being like this, knowing i’d be better off gone, i still stay. i have constant thoughts of hurting myself. i gave myself a really big bruise that still hurts. i know that doesn’t really count as much. i keep wanting to bash my head in a wall. really slam myself into it until i’m seeing black. i think of how that doesn’t even amount to the pain i know i deserve.
homecoming is saturday, i’ve only just found out when it is a day or 2 ago. i don’t think i’ll go. my sister (8) has basketball games and i’ve already missed the first one last weekend. i also have no one to go with. i know i would only feel like more of an outcast if i were to go. and i wouldn’t even look good in a dress. i wish i had friends i could see more often, but i don’t even deserve friends at all. my one friend had to drop out so we can only see each other sometimes and even then i feel like i’m just bothering her. like everyone else. i had to breakdown to her a week ago or so and told her how bad i’m feeling. i’ve not been well. but god damn it it’s not like i haven’t been trying.
but anyway i guess it doesn’t matter much in the grand scheme of things. i ought to just accept that this is how it is. and i’m vile and horrible anyway and would ruin everything if i were to make friends. i don’t belong. i’m just some glitch in this system. an outcast.
sorry for rambling on.
2 comments
I’m not you so our situations aren’t the same, but I get it. The homecoming at my school is next Saturday on my birthday. When you said you didn’t want to burden your friend I understood in every way imaginable. I have friends, but I would rather suffer in silence then drag them down with me. It’s dejecting, and I truly feel for you because I know what that’s like.
Your emotions are valid, but the hard truth that I don’t recommend is letting everything you have inside of you dwell and fester. Like when you leave fruit sitting out for too long, if you don’t do something, it starts to mold and rot inside.
Maybe try finding an outlet. I constantly feel this way, so I like boxing after school.
Either way, It’s up to you. As William Earnest Henley says, you are the master of your fate, and you are the captain of your soul.
I think the earlier one gives up trying to be who they aren’t, the better. I figured it out 22 years ago, and as a result stopped expending effort conforming. The rest is negotiation, what parts of your world view matter most.
I’ve spent my life as a collector of odd people, outcasts, and other assorted strange people. There are multiple advantages to this, most of all that they are a more compassionate and empathetic group.
So your oddness doesn’t represent a negative aspect to me. I sincerely doubt that you are a truly unpleasant person, not to minimize your pain as that is often separate from how you are seen. Some people are also extremely hard to live with, and not everyone can change.
So I recommend abandoning fitting in, or trying to be like others. Rather, try to be the best version of yourself. You’ll face challenges, and you might fail in the short term, but if you keep picking yourself back up, trying to do a little better, you’ll feel better eventually.