I wrote a rather long post about this last night. It had comedy, poetry, song and pop culture references. Then just as I pushed the publish button the whole bloody site went down, and I lost the entirety of my post. Has this ever happened to anyone else? They turn to Suicide Project in a time of need and feel worse after?
I’m bitter towards everybody and everything right now, this isn’t a directed attack against anyone.
I got into grad school. That sounds wonderful….. but….. classes are to start Monday, and the University doesn’t have funds set aside for new students. Long calculation skipped, it is a $10,000 gamble I can’t afford to take. Which means I have to defer my enrollment until next Semester, in August.
I keep coming back to that my friends and family think that’s no big deal. The problem is how nebulous I find the promise, I’ve been told most of my life; “work hard for later rewards”, yet I sit here, 34 and 11 months old, and none of the things I made sacrifices for have amounted to any reward.
My birthday is on groundhog day, so I have an affinity for the holiday and the Bill Murray movie. That’s what appears to have happened here; due to entirely arbitrary reasons beyond my control, I have to trudge through the next seven months. Also make no mistake, I’m leaning towards that in seven months this promise will be broken, because that’s life, broken promises, smashed dreams.
I was on the line with the suicide hotline last night, and they asked a question that I had a different answer to for once. They asked if it would help if they called me back the next day. I told them; “I want to say yes, because I like to encourage people. The reality is that everything I’ve done has blown up in my face, and you’ve given me no reason to believe your outcomes are any better. Prepare for failure, it’s more likely.”
Sure enough they called while I was still asleep.
Oh, brief medication update; I tried taking a slightly higher dose of my more potent sleep medications, and instead I slept terribly. More dose doesn’t correlate to more effect. Also, my hands and arms are still twitching so much I feel like I’ve been weightlifting… whether that is a good or bad thing is unclear.
Good luck. Even though it might seem pointless, live while you still can. (and please be responsible with that medication.)
Awesome news about getting into grad school… but yes it IS a big deal that you have to defer until August. That really sucks, and I hope you can manage til then. I’m guessing your family doesn’t realize the severity of the situation, where every day is a coin toss on whether we can survive it, and now you have to wait half a year.
Still the bright side is there’s still that carrot. Even though the stick is longer.
Groundhog Day is one of the greatest comedies I’ve ever seen. Certainly the deepest. I’m sure you caught the part where he falls into a deep suicidal phase. It was played with a lotta dark humor but the truth is, yeah, some of us are there, feeling the pointlessness of a repetitive life where nothing we do changes anything.
I’ll have to watch the movie again to remind myself what broke him out of it. Was it the old man dying, and his efforts to save him? Or was that what led to his depression? Been years since I’ve seen it.
Anyway, hang tight man. Maybe use these months to do something totally adventurous & uncharacteristic, hitchhike cross country while writing poetry or whatever lol, the point is you’ve won the game you’re just running out the clock.