1. I’m dissatisfied is the main reason. I’ve fought, succeeded, and it still doesn’t seem to matter. It’s as though life is a game, and I really want to rage quit and play something else. Maybe something more top down, like a city builder. That seems like a happy place to be, trying to make choices good for large amounts of people.
A major part of it has to be that when other people were developing coping skills and a “healthy outlook” I was busy being “fixed.” 30 years of therapy, doctors and medication, and they still can’t fix me. I wish I knew what it would look like if they hadn’t tried. When I worked with kids I’d meet some who were like I was, but their parents didn’t have the trust in medicine or the money to do to them what was done to me.
2. I’m not entirely sure. I have this idea that if I bought some land outright, built a house, grew plants and looked after animals that would be better. It seems like a lot of pressure though, that pressure could take me down.
I’d like more money than I need. I’d like to go skiing now and then, maybe a European trip every few years. Pay other people to fix things I currently have to fix myself. Have everything in working order, not just managed chaos.
Would I be less depressed then? It’s difficult to say. Sometimes I think as long as I live where I do, depression will be part of the equation. This past week I’ve spent mostly in a suburb of a real city, the type of place with a real music scene, where niche collector’s stores are common. I could be happy somewhere like this, if the finances weren’t too bad.
No idea what steps are between where I am and that. Right now I’m chasing the money, trying to become so well off I don’t have to care about how much I make in a given year. It’s depressingly materialistic, but that’s the Faustian bargain I’m making this year to try and stay alive.
it’s not materialistic. that is the smart thing. most ppl don’t how money, or lack the lack thereof, ties into depression. not saying you, but there are a large portion of the depressed whose depression WOULD be lessened greatly if they suddenly had more money. not saying money would solve everything or everyone ofc, but it would help some people a whole lot. also, it gives one freedom to choose things or do more things or up and move to a town they like for example. money does not equal happiness, but it certainly gives people more freedom and more options.
in my case, money would help TONS. being sick costs TONS. getting to healthy, or at least less sick, involves wads of cash that most disabled or chronically ill ppl don’t have. in my case, i need help with basic things, and being able to hire someone to drive me, get my groceries, clean my apt, or even HAVE a nice place to live- requires money, which i do not have.
Getting a bit deeper; my ego is currently either severely injured or dead. I don’t mean my self concept, I mean the ego as Freud concieved it; that part that regulates between super ego (the parent) and the ID (impulsive, feeling, enthusiasm). I know I have an overdeveloped super ego, relative to the society I live in. It’s what I need to keep things on the rails.
but my ID is a wreck, and I still have trouble trying to satisfy it. Heck, I have trouble satisfying the super ego too. So the ego is supposed to intermediate, pick when to favor one side or the other. Only that part, the part closest to a self, in me it is severely injured. Worse, it doesn’t want to get better, because getting better means more abuse.
I try to be an existentialist. What I’m doing is all that I need to consider. I’m not good at that though. I want to worry about big picture stuff. I also want to behave more ethically than the people around me require…. so there’s that
As I was writing this, I suffered a massive breakdown, which will be it’s own post.
1. Root Issue: Being abused and parentified my whole life. Now not being able to afford even a room to rent. Some kind of hope on a parenter but being bisexual I’ve given up after trying dating apps for 5months and giving out my number.
If I had a house and a dog I’d be fine but here we are.
2. Livable wages. Affordable education. Therapists who actually help you (mine dumped me after two years when I said I wanted homework and was “disrespectful “). A light at the end of the tunnel.
The best I have right now is just imagining running away to another country or something.
1. Extreme self loathing and self hatred, the whole “I have x,y, and z, so why do I feel this way” mentality, constant emotional and mental instability, partially due to genetics, partially due to my own social issues and failures.
2. While being in a better monetary position would help a fair bit, I desperately need some form of therapy, someone to finally confirm all the crap I’ve been silently dealing with the past… 7+ years now (God I feel so decrepit) and work through some of the issues I have.
10 comments
1. I’m dissatisfied is the main reason. I’ve fought, succeeded, and it still doesn’t seem to matter. It’s as though life is a game, and I really want to rage quit and play something else. Maybe something more top down, like a city builder. That seems like a happy place to be, trying to make choices good for large amounts of people.
A major part of it has to be that when other people were developing coping skills and a “healthy outlook” I was busy being “fixed.” 30 years of therapy, doctors and medication, and they still can’t fix me. I wish I knew what it would look like if they hadn’t tried. When I worked with kids I’d meet some who were like I was, but their parents didn’t have the trust in medicine or the money to do to them what was done to me.
2. I’m not entirely sure. I have this idea that if I bought some land outright, built a house, grew plants and looked after animals that would be better. It seems like a lot of pressure though, that pressure could take me down.
I’d like more money than I need. I’d like to go skiing now and then, maybe a European trip every few years. Pay other people to fix things I currently have to fix myself. Have everything in working order, not just managed chaos.
Would I be less depressed then? It’s difficult to say. Sometimes I think as long as I live where I do, depression will be part of the equation. This past week I’ve spent mostly in a suburb of a real city, the type of place with a real music scene, where niche collector’s stores are common. I could be happy somewhere like this, if the finances weren’t too bad.
No idea what steps are between where I am and that. Right now I’m chasing the money, trying to become so well off I don’t have to care about how much I make in a given year. It’s depressingly materialistic, but that’s the Faustian bargain I’m making this year to try and stay alive.
it’s not materialistic. that is the smart thing. most ppl don’t how money, or lack the lack thereof, ties into depression. not saying you, but there are a large portion of the depressed whose depression WOULD be lessened greatly if they suddenly had more money. not saying money would solve everything or everyone ofc, but it would help some people a whole lot. also, it gives one freedom to choose things or do more things or up and move to a town they like for example. money does not equal happiness, but it certainly gives people more freedom and more options.
in my case, money would help TONS. being sick costs TONS. getting to healthy, or at least less sick, involves wads of cash that most disabled or chronically ill ppl don’t have. in my case, i need help with basic things, and being able to hire someone to drive me, get my groceries, clean my apt, or even HAVE a nice place to live- requires money, which i do not have.
Getting a bit deeper; my ego is currently either severely injured or dead. I don’t mean my self concept, I mean the ego as Freud concieved it; that part that regulates between super ego (the parent) and the ID (impulsive, feeling, enthusiasm). I know I have an overdeveloped super ego, relative to the society I live in. It’s what I need to keep things on the rails.
but my ID is a wreck, and I still have trouble trying to satisfy it. Heck, I have trouble satisfying the super ego too. So the ego is supposed to intermediate, pick when to favor one side or the other. Only that part, the part closest to a self, in me it is severely injured. Worse, it doesn’t want to get better, because getting better means more abuse.
I try to be an existentialist. What I’m doing is all that I need to consider. I’m not good at that though. I want to worry about big picture stuff. I also want to behave more ethically than the people around me require…. so there’s that
As I was writing this, I suffered a massive breakdown, which will be it’s own post.
sorry u had a breakdown. :'(
hope things will be ok with u and the wife
1. I’m fighting literally the entire fucking universe by myself
2. Just 1 soul who would fight alongside me
same
1) Messed up mind
2) Knowing I’m not mind.
1. Root Issue: Being abused and parentified my whole life. Now not being able to afford even a room to rent. Some kind of hope on a parenter but being bisexual I’ve given up after trying dating apps for 5months and giving out my number.
If I had a house and a dog I’d be fine but here we are.
2. Livable wages. Affordable education. Therapists who actually help you (mine dumped me after two years when I said I wanted homework and was “disrespectful “). A light at the end of the tunnel.
The best I have right now is just imagining running away to another country or something.
1 I’m not depressed but do come here to vent sometimes out of habit.
2 A degree, success, a brain, intelligence.
1. Extreme self loathing and self hatred, the whole “I have x,y, and z, so why do I feel this way” mentality, constant emotional and mental instability, partially due to genetics, partially due to my own social issues and failures.
2. While being in a better monetary position would help a fair bit, I desperately need some form of therapy, someone to finally confirm all the crap I’ve been silently dealing with the past… 7+ years now (God I feel so decrepit) and work through some of the issues I have.