no matter the effort, no matter how hard I try…. it’s all the same. this soul crushing pain and loneliness… and just me existing… it doesnt matter. it would make more sense to just end everything now, instead of wasting years chasing something that probably doesnt exist – peace with oneself, hope of some sort, etc. I’m afraid to look back and see all my failed attempts of living this life than to see all the possible attempts to end it… I keep remembering my mom saying how this didnt matter because I’ve really never tried to kill myself. how bad I supposedly made her look by being depressed..

I feel like I’ve wrapped a very cold, wet blanket around me and its somehow become stuck. I’ll die from the strangling and the pain….

I’m going to have to start seeing my school counselor again, because it’s all just been too much all piling together…. I’ve felt so ashamed, and embarrassed about it. it honestly makes me feel worse. but I dont have anyone I can physically talk to other than her. fuck I probably shouldnt talk about it at all, I think that’s what they call wallowing in ones self-pity. I’ve gotten that a lot too trying to talk to people… am I truly so unbearable to be around? I should know that answer by now, I’ve become my own vile little parasite.

everything really hurts. I feel like I’m on the verge of tears throughout the day everyday, then this empty, hollow, painful blanket feeling consumes me to where I can barely fucking breathe. I just want to die