I guess if i told the people around me that I’m depressed and suicidal, they would say I’m too young to know what that means. I no longer have a backup plan, for the method I dreamed so longingly about found its way to be as torturous as life. Yeah, I’ve done my research.
Things used to be easier when I didn’t have someone to disappoint. And then my stupid ass decided to fall in love, and I basically tell him everything. We’re dating? Fun. Half the time I feel guilty for lying to my parents about him and the other half is spent feeling like I abuse him and only use him to listen to my problems.
So yeah, life might seem to be great. But every time I tell him how tired I am, I realize what torture I’m putting him through. I just try and imagine him being suicidal, and I fucking cry inside. But I just can’t stop the thoughts. It’s a constant. My parents don’t care, and it’s not like whatever other mystery mental illnesses I have that my “yeah mental health doesn’t exist” parents deny help either. I spend each day just forcing myself to make it to the next. School’s hell, home is worse, and the only light is him. And yet, I’m torturing him by wanting to die? I don’t know anymore. I guess I just needed to talk about it to someone without fear of hurting them as I might hurt him.
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5 comments
I have some experience in this…. its hell. and i got my closest friend to cut herself because i did.. and thats the thing. if you know he will stay with you, and cares about you, and will do anything to help you, then you should try and talk about it. tell him it will be okay..
You’re never too young to be depressed, unfortunately. Parents should know better, but I think they deny it because any mental or behavioral issues their child has would reflect badly on them, so they think. The irony is that the real failure of a parent is when they refuse to see their child is in distress.
I’m sorry you’re living though this… My parents are the same way. And it’s like you’re literally in a box with no help. So we unload on our friends if we have any, or our bf/gf, and we feel guilty like you said. idk… I just clammed up and stopped talking to ppl at all. And look how good I turned out lmao. 0/10 do not recommend.
Well fwiw you can always vent here. Sharing your problems with strangers has a different effect than if you unload on people close to you. Here we’re all in the same hell so you get a weird sense of validation from it, both talking & listening.
all true sadly…
i do want to talk to him… and I do sometimes
I’m just so afraid of breaking him. the few times that I have he crumbled too, he had dreams that I killed myself, and he tries to hide it but I can tell it breaks him. I still don’t know how he does it… if he told me he wanted to kill himself constantly Im not sure if id be able to calm him down and save him like he’s saved me. I just wish I could enjoy my life, but some certain events happened in my life a bit (wow exactly a year now) ago, and I was truly never able to recover. Wish I could give my life to someone else to enjoy…
Totally get it. tbh that’s why my last relationship ended, my suicidal thoughts broke her and I couldn’t take the guilt so I stopped communicating, eventually ended it. idk if that was the right thing but I didn’t know what else to do.
That’s the problem with love.. if you truly love someone you want to protect them, even from yourself.