I want to go home and sleep. I don’t want to bother with these thoughts anymore. Knowing I’m undeserving of any friends or my partners love/affection. Despite what they say I cant help but wonder if they(partner) would be better off without me around. Like everyone else. But I don’t know. My mind won’t let me think otherwise – I really have nothing to combat those thoughts. I’m just a pathetic little failure.
It’s my bio. dads birthday today. I can’t help but wonder how fucking disappointed he is in me. Not that he’s said anything directly, half the time he barely says anything at all it seems. I’m not like the other kids here. Even the ones with mental health issues have went out and got jobs and already progressing with their lives, their parents not having to deal with them much. My family is probably so sick of me. I feel like everyone is sick of me. I just want to know that I’m doing something right. I want to make somebody proud. It… seems impossible.
I’m somewhat envious when my partner mentions stuff like being w their friends, or being at shows. Not to the point of hostility or anything, but I wish I was able to make/have/keep friends like that. They absolutely deserve it too, don’t get me wrong. It also just reminds me that I’m not with them, which is shitty enough as is. Their friends probably wouldnt like me much, either. I’m a pretty boring person if I’m entirely honest with myself. I hope I can learn to be interesting. I don’t know what my partner thinks about any of it ’cause I havent asked. And its selfish of me, too. They might think I dont want them to talk to anyone else, which is absolutely not true. I think the main part of it is that I’m not physically there with them to hang out and do things.
I dont even know how to talk to people anymore. I just freeze up and it gets awkward. I cant ask teachers for help on anything ’cause I get too scared. I don’t know how to work in groups and I can’t communicate very well. I’m constantly choking on words. I hope I can find an online job to where I don’t have to leave my house. It sounds… safe. I hate being constantly scared of people, it’s getting worse.
I’m not sure I’ll go to my art club tonight or not. Pretty sure it’s the last one before our trip – then its over forever for me. Is it worth going? Is anyone even gonna care? Theres also my dads birthday to consider but he said I could and probably should go if it’s the last. My heads starting to hurt again. I want to go home I’m so tired of it all. I just want to go home and celebrate dads birthday, and then listen to music for the rest of the night. And sleep. And dream of never waking up again. I’m a weak little child who cant handle a little pain, a little loneliness, a little bit of everything I deserve. If that isnt childish – trying to deny the consequences of pathetic actions. How the hell do I look at myself? Is this normal? I think it is I think I’m just overreacting. I overreact to everything. I feel like all my thoughts are beating against my skull until it just explodes. It’s going to be the death of me.