always being depressed and feeling like shit. It’s been 40+ years of this shit and no, things don’t “get better.” It’s only gotten worse over the years and decades. What is the point of going on if this continues to be the present and future? The only thing stopping me is not having a way out. I don’t know any fool-proof guaranteed way that is quick and painless. Everything has it’s caveats and flaws, and when it comes to actually committing it, I can’t risk it failing bc life could be MUCH much worse if you fail and do it wrong.
So what do I do? I am unable to live a real life and I don’t know how to die a quick and painless death. What is happening is I am slowing dying on the inside- mentally, physically, and emotionally. It’s a slow agonizing death and it’s horrible. Fucking torture.
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Escapism is half decent. For me that’s video games, movies, shows and books. I realized recently I don’t care to adapt to the world that failed me, I created a very silly and sad playlist to paint the walls of my life the same color as the inside of my head. I’ve tacked up pictures of fantastic monsters on every wall I can find…. from what I can tell that’s what most people have keeping them at it…. and keeping at it is entirely optional, again my point of view.
I’ve done my best to turn off real life. I don’t know any better approach. If I can opt out, I do, unless it does something for me. Sucking up a few hundred hours is the best, and for that either a decent book series (Asylum by Ambrose Ibsen as an example), or a halfway decent game (Timberborn, Dyson Sphere Program, The Forest, Sons of The Forest, Satisfactory, Astroneer or god forbid…. minecraft)…. cross that with a television series I haven’t quite memorized, currently Happy! and Criminal Minds, the main thing being that it can’t resemble anything I’ve ever experienced or lived in the slightest.
luckily social services and customer service don’t show up in much escapist media, probably by design. Whatever you are living, there are hours of entertainment that exist about something other than that.