I feel kind of drained. Last week I had a really strong impulse to hang myself. I was just sitting on my bed and my belt was there so I gripped it tightly and thought about it. For a minute or so. And a couple of days ago… or I don’t know. I don’t know when. Maybe yeaterday or more than two days ago. I was in my living room and I started crying because I thought that my life is really pointless and it’s just not worth it. In general I feel fine, I guess. But these things happen more and more often recently.
I caught a fever. So I just lie in my bed most of the day now. It’s not very fun. I don’t know if I’m reallytired or not. Are we all just meant to be this hopeless? I don’t want to be like this. I’m still young, if I try hard enough I can make it. But I’m… exhausted. And I’m sad. Yesterday I felt ashamed of myself but I can’t remember why.
I don’t know if I should ask for help… I don’t know who I would ask. Everything is so expensive now. I stopped going to therapy because I don’t want my parents spending 50 euros every week for me to talk to some woman for half an hour. I don’t think it helped me that much anyway. And the groceries were 500 euros… but they will barely last a week, probably. Should I quit studying and get a job instead? I don’t know…
I want to get my driver’s license. I’m 19 years old and I don’t know how to drive. But that costs money too. And time. And effort. Of course, these are just excuses. But I’m not sure if I could do it even if I forced myself to. I’m also… lonely. I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I got a friend. I went to church and met a guy… so he’s my friend now. We exchanged numbers and I promised him I would go this week too on Sunday. But I havent texted him anything. Well, not that it matters. At least I have accountability…
I also find it really hard to exert myself with my studies. It’s all online so how am I supposed to feel any sense of competition? I’ve been trying to figure it out. Because I realised, in the games I play, I can sometimes try to beat a boss for several hours and not give up. But when it comes to school I’m not that dedicated. And I guess it’s because it doesn’t feel competitive or rewarding. Of course… it is… but it’s hard to convince myself it is. So I dont know what to do about it. I’ve been thinking about it. I wanted to write something down in my journal and make a plan. Something. But instead I just watched porn. Which doesnt even make sense. I didn’t have any reason to. Oh well.
3 comments
I wish I could say I was at least “fine I guess” and i’m only in high school. there are so many things going on in my head. Im so stressed all of the time. Ive tried therapy I suppose its helped in some aspects of my life. Maybe you should try it again. Im working and going to school. But i’m failing everything. I am going to try though.
Have you ever tried medication? That could be worth a shot. Do you have any insurance? That can be helpful if u were under some type of insurance or be under your parent’s insurance. Therapy can do wonders for some people and others not so much. I’ve tried therapy and it wasn’t for me. Maybe give it more time for the therapy? Those are the main two things you can do to help. Usually it’s a therapist job to help those who are mentally struggling through ways of coping your struggles. Meaning getting back into the things you once enjoyed doing such as hobbies and learning coping skills. I’m no therapist , but ive been around them long enough to know how they help people. I’m not gonna lie, there’s no magic to it and it’s something you’ll have to to push for. Staying busy could help too. Standing around could make u feel worse. Though I know how hard it is to push through it. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s worth trying out.
Exactly, things are so expensive, how the hell are we supposed to get help and get better? I hear you about the groceries and costs of therapy, and the cost of practically everything is expensive as hell. Heck, I wrote a post on it today before I read your post.