mind dump

I’m so tired. I can’t sleep yet. God I just need some sleep. I don’t want to wake up anymore. This world has gone to shit and I’m becoming more paranoid. I want to run away somewhere, a place where all this shit doesn’t exist. I could breathe in peace for once. Seeing as where everything’s going right now I don’t think it will exist, perhaps it stopped existing and I just never realized. My head is just trying to sabotage me. I’m worried sick right now. I feel so alone. I wish I could just close my eyes and sleep but I can’t yet.

I was able to download some games today – Fran Bow and The Cat Lady. Both are great, watched full playthroughs of Fran Bow and my partner recommended me The Cat Lady. Funny enough they both deal with mental health – The Cat Lady specifically suicide. I watched part of a playthrough before I downloaded and… wow. It’s depressing, but gripping. I feel like that’s everything now. Does anyone really consume anything healthy on the media anymore? On a good note, the games will keep me busy for quite awhile. Some of those games that just shut everything else down. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t play them in a certain headspace. But also it’s not like it matters.

I’ve been under a lot of stress for awhile. This break is helping a little bit, I can run away from responsibility for a little longer and I rot my brain on Youtube for hours on end. Oh my god what am I doing. Literal hours I. I don’t know. I hope they’re okay. I’m getting worried. I’m sure they’re probably just asleep and I’m overreacting but I don’t want to fall asleep yet because what if they need me? I miss them so fucking much jesus christ it eats me up everyday and I do everything I can to distract myself from that and everything else especially when we’re unable to talk. I also worry sick about them. I know as soon as school starts again this okay-ish sometimes feeling is going to vanish and I’ll be stressed the fuck out even thinking about things I should’ve had done already and certain deadlines for school stuff I keep forgetting stresses me out. Not to mention everyone is shoving further education- IMMEDIATELY- down our throats and it’s getting overwhelming and I’m thinking about taking a year break or so before I start and EVERYONE looks down on that but I just- I need time to think. About what I don’t know. I just need to think. I probably also need some form of therapy soon, as if I don’t already complain enough the pathetic thing that I am. I’m scared it won’t even work – I hear so many people talk about how they can’t even afford it as is and when they get it it’s completely useless for them like??? I couldn’t handle that. I’ve already wasted enough time I feel like.

Honestly I feel like it’s all just a big waste. Everyone’s effort is useless in this world. It just doesn’t matter, and I hate it so much. Even the really good people who actually try to make a difference it just results in nothing or if it does it’s not significant enough to make a positive change in this world. But maybe everyone’s given up trying. I feel like I’m getting to that point, but I still want to try in some false or far-fetched hope that it will do some good and I can die knowing I tried but maybe it would just be better/easier if I just died anyway.

Eat. Don’t eat. Don’t feel hungry but get so weak you just fall asleep and you’re out like a light. Can’t remember the last time you had a sip of actual water so you’re probably dehydrated as shit but you just decide you don’t care and grab your favorite caffeinated beverage instead because you realize it doesn’t matter anyway because even if you made an effort to eat and drink healthy nothing easily attainable is healthy. The people on top don’t give a shit as long as they get money so we’re eating all sorts of bad shit because that’s all we can get. You realize whether you do or don’t eat you’re gonna be ugly af anyway and all everyone is gonna see is your weight one way or the other and the fact that you look “like a 5th grader” it doesn’t matter if it’s a “compliment” now, it sure as hell isn’t one now. You fight with yourself deciding if you’ve earned the right to eat today or if you were too pathetic of a person to deserve food that tastes good but then you break anyway and eat because you’re weak and pathetic and stupid.

I don’t know anymore I just. I’m just depressed and I don’t have any hope anymore and grasping at straws to stay alive even though it doesn’t even matter and I’m not gonna make any significant impact (positively) anyway. I just want to make the people I care about proud of me and I want them to be able to rely on me but it seems I’m always the one relying on others and it makes me feel so stupid and weak and I just don’t know.

I’m scared to really talk to anyone about anything and plus it all comes out as rambling nonsense (like now) and I always worry if I talk to people it will make them sad and make them want to hurt themselves. Especially them (them being one person, just to clarify) I don’t want to be more burdensome than I already am. I just want to be helpful and to do good. But I’m also selfish and I want a break from life.

Maybe it will be okay if I sleep – I know they’d say it is and would be but I always want to be sure and I just feel dumb and selfish especially if I’m needed and I’m just- asleep. I’m both good and bad at fighting sleep. My sister, who’s special needs, has not slept much if at all, for about 4 or 5 nights now and she wakes me up during the night a lot. It sounds like she may be resting right now though. I’ve been listening to music and spilling my mind dump here. I feel so brain dead. I don’t even know what I’m doing on here. I come on here a lot to read posts and it makes me sad for everyone. I wish the world wasn’t so awful. I really wish I could get out of my head sometimes. I guess I just needed something to do to stay awake for awhile just in case, I’m not really okay as much as I’m just… here floating around and existing.