I’ve been trying to eat a certain number of calories for the past 3 weeks or so. Right now its 3 in the morning and I’ve been staying up until I am hungry again so I can reach my calorie goal.
I can’t help but think about when I was starving myself on purpose instead. This doesnt feel a lot better. At least I am almost going to be a healthy weight soon. It’s something.
I don’t like it. I can remember purposefully starving myself and sawing at my skin with a dull knife because I had to do it for some reason. I was convinced I had to do it. I wanted to feel bad. I wanted my parents to care about me more.
My mom often makes me feel bad but I don’t think it’s on purpose. That’s what she says anyway. Well I don’t talk that much to her about it because it’s impossible to confront her about anything. She just guilt trips me… for example sometimes when she asks me to do a chore I would say “I am very tired today, can you ask my younger brother instead?” And she says “I don’t want to bother with him. Do you know how tired I am?” And then she talks about how much everyone else works except me apparently, even though I actually do things and she just doesnt acknowledge them.
It feels like every time there’s something she always has to make me feel guilty and scream at me. I like my dad more, but he’s away on a job trip now. Even though he’s sick, I guess he had to go. My mom said she was looking forward to him being gone, but I miss him.
I don’t want to feel lost and tortured and scared. It’s not fun. Well, of course not.
I’m very superstitious, I’ve always been superstitious. I used to always look for signs. But now I try not to. It never leads to anything good from my experience.
I just wish my life was more interesting I guess! I want to know more people and I want to learn how to do a backflip. I think it would be very impressive.
2 comments
as someone who also struggles to eat enough, I can relate. Mine is just a misfire, I’m literally not hungry most of the time, and sometimes the sight of food makes me feel sick.
I’ve never been able to calorie count in my life. It adds an extra amount of work to eating that makes it even grosser to me. I have to do it to achieve certain tasks…. today for example I ate two PB&Js for breakfast/lunch, because then I went on a bike ride. Not sure if it improved things, but I’m trying. I’m just getting back to it, still hurts a bit but it centers me.
Being able to do a backflip would be pretty cool! I keep wanting to be able to walk on my hands, right now flexibility and energy are in the way.
Oh, liquid diets help fill the calorie gap too. If you need to hit a specific point for your health, that’s what I’d do. Milk mostly, chocolate milk is even better. A few glasses a day and you’ve got a pretty healthy amount of calories there.
I don’t know what your protein needs are, but my trick for that is eggs. When I’m really hard up I’ll crack raw eggs and drink the slimey result…. but when I’m doing better I get liquid egg whites at the store. It’s pre sanitized so it’s entirely safe, while raw eggs is… less so in the United States. I wish I lived in Europe, they take better care of their chickens. Plus they remain the only continent that really understands some cheeses. Here in America the best we’ve got is a sharp cheddar.
OH, another trick that kind of works for me is cheese and crackers. Easy to keep down. Same goes for oatmeal, I like the instant kind with apples and cinnamon.
Lately I set up a snackbar in my dining room, where multiple snacks I enjoy are available in pre portioned packages… it’s an idea I had from a Bed N Breakfast I stayed in. Right now there are gummy snacks, oatmeal cream pies and little pecan rolls. I have crackers and cookies there too…. but those don’t get eaten fast enough.
I’ve actually been drinking quite a bit of chocolate milk recently. The only thing I’m worried about is how much sugar there is lol. I do pretty simple things, it’s not that hard for me to count calories atm because I’m kind of obsessed with it. I just wrote down in my journal that I HAVE to eat 2900 ish calories a day every day for 3 months so that I would gain roughly 10 kg in weight at least. So far so good but I didnt count one day. I think I started on February 21st. Not sure.
Basically I had a spontaneous idea during a short episode of hypomania and it stuck with me. The things I’ve found to have the most calories are just like… pasta and bread honestly. One slice of bread has as much calories as a whole egg and it’s not even nearly as filling. Also some of the stuff you can put on bread has massive amounts of calories, like cheese and liver pate. Man I love liver pate. I ate it every day for like a week and a half (just having liver pate on a slice of bread adds like 150 calories to it), but then I felt very bloated because of how much fat there is in it so I stopped.
Anyway. Thx for the advice. And just responding I guess. Btw, one PB&J sandwich is probably around 300 calories depending on what type of sandwich it is so that seems like a pretty good breakfast if you want many calories. I usually have yoghurt with honey and sliced fruit for breakfast, and then a couple hours later I have some bread and later on I have lunch and then I take random snacks (whatever I have an urge to eat tbh, usually raw carrots, bread, or chocolate milk), until I have dinner. After that I usually need about 800 calories more. So yeah… freaking calories man. Today I’ve eaten about 200 calories more than I should have apparently. But I think that’s okay. I’m mostly worried about working out…
I havent been doing it too much recently. It just makes my tendons and bones hurt so much. I barely even feel any soreness in my muscles but everytime I workout my wrists or ankles or knees or neck hurt. Sometimes my back too. It’s annoying!