I think my worth as a person in being helpful to those I love is deteriorating. Today is their(singular) birthday and they were very close to ending it last night, and I’ve only just found out. I know they haven’t been well, and while I put myself as far as I can to help (long distance being a large inconvenience) it’s not enough. They have a few friends that were able to help them, which I’m super thankful for, for obvious reasons. I just wish I was the one able to help, which is selfish and disgusting and I’m making myself sick just for thinking about it. But I guess I have to be honest with myself. It must be some sort of pathetic complex that makes me think I should be the one helping, or even can help. It’s not that I don’t want the people I care about to have others to rely on, but I just want to be included in that. And then I remember my pathetic character and how truly worthless I am, possibly only to be pitied in my lifetime. They said they’re scared to live another year, and jesus fuck I am too. Maybe I can make some quiet get away and let this shit end. I’m starting to think maybe I’m the actual cause of certain things… like this. Whether intentionally or not. Maybe it’s not that I just can’t help, maybe I’m literally draining the life out of everyone I fucking know and they just get sick of life. But this is selfish thinking too, isn’t it? I keep thinking about me when I shouldn’t be. At the same time I’m worried sick about them constantly, for this exact reason. I guess it’s just not knowing, is what gets to me sometimes. I hate the cryptid one-liners and ongoing silences. Because that means something’s wrong. But I can’t constantly push things you know? I just have to make myself available. Push but not too hard so I don’t come off forceful like anyone has to talk to me. And it’s not like I’m fucking helpful when they talk anyway, like all I can offer is sympathy and understand what they’re going through but I can’t think of anything worthwhile to say to actually help anyone. I’m torn between wanting to be the one people can come to for anything, and sending them off with people who can actually help them with literally anything. It goes back to that character I imagine myself to be in my head, knowing damn well that person does not exist in the real world. The real me needs to leave and stop spreading the rot everywhere like every other shitty person in the world. I need to stop existing. And you know what? Maybe I’m okay with that. This world is so awful.
This has been on my mind for awhile, but this just pushes it further in my face. I don’t talk about it to anyone very much, because it’s hard to explain without it being like one of these posts. I don’t know if I want anyone to know or not. I’m a very selfish and pathetic person for being like this right now. I keep having to fight off tears because I don’t want to be asked what’s wrong. I miss them constantly, I really need them in my life and they always say they need me too. They said I would’ve helped too if I would’ve known, I hope I didn’t say something that made them feel the need to say that. God I just don’t know anymore.
I’m scum. I’m worthless. I’ve known this all this time yet I try to fight it. Acceptance is the answer. Yet I seek the validation still. I still seek the validation that I’m in fact not the reason anyone would cause pain to themselves. Nothing ever makes sense. Even this post is a display of worthlessness and rot. My god.
I’m just going to continue to do the best I can to help when I can and let them know I’m always here for them. I love them with all of my soul. I think… maybe they’re starting to know that, at least. Maybe. I really do try. More than anything I just want them to be okay, in any circumstance. I’m glad they’re alive and they got the help they needed, honestly I hope when I see them again I can get to know some of their friends, they seem like good people.. but I dunno. I can’t imagine them liking me.
I’m tired. I need to just think- or better yet not think.
I guess we’re going out finally, I was going to get them something for their birthday, first time I’ve been able to buy anything for them openly (family issues) so I guess I’ll do that. I’m scared it will never erase how shitty of a gf I am. They deserve so. much. better. Yet I live for them anyway.
Edit: 9:25 pm
Just got back a little bit ago… I was able to buy some stuff for them. I sent pictures of everything to them… I hope I did and I hope they like them. Anyway… I just feel depressed still. This feeling never goes away, I just shove it down for awhile as I rot my brain on the internet because I can’t live with myself and I can’t live without distractions. I’m ashamed of myself. Not the best way to end the break, technically tomorrow’s the last day. I’m overwhelmed, I’m tired, and I’m useless. I don’t want to cry, I’m still fighting back tears. This life is pointless.