My dearest Daughter,
I’m sorry for the tragedies in the past several years, many of them my fault.Below is a list of my sorries:I’m sorry that I fought with your mom all those years.I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to keep brother alive.I’m sorry for having depression and anxiety and not being a father to you.I’m sorry for embarrassing you in public with my anxiety/panics.I’m sorry for making others around you in public feel awkward because I have crooked eyes, high-pitched voice and other unattractive attributes.I’m sorry for being the black sheep of my family.I’m sorry that you had to see how law enforcement treats/abuses me.I’m sorry that I’ve been suffering severely as a disabled combat veteran.I’m sorry that my life has completely disintegrated in the past 3+ years since I moved to another state.I’m sorry that my beautiful daughter has multiple suicide ideations and an attempt.I’m sorry that when I tried to help you recover that you wanted to run away to your mom.I’m sorry I failed.I am extremely proud of you, all of your success has been a result of YOU. What makes you so beautiful, is your beautiful soul—NOBODY can take that away from you.People constantly say that, when they either see you or photo of you, “she looks like you.” I feel offended because you’re so lovely and I’m so repulsive.I’m glad that you are well-liked by nearly everyone. You are so strong, resilient and confident. You are truly an amazing, wonderful, successful young woman.More than that, you’ve always been a lady. You’ve been the greatest joy in my life, my love and life always devoted to you. My unconditional love, that is what has become essence of my existentialism—nothing else mattered, and you were my bucket list.Love you always,Dad
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Please keep being there for your daughter, dear friend. She cares about you and loves you, you feel loved and are loved ^^,
Maybe mail her the letter. If she does not want to talk to you or see you, she’ll likely read the letter. She might not call you afterwards, but she’d have at least read it.
I agree with eternal, you should send this to her. At the very least, send her the last part beginning at ‘I am extremely proud of you…’ Just text it to her out of the blue, don’t expect anything to come of it but just let her know. I have a strained relationship with family but if they sent me something like that I would probably soften up
I think an old fashioned letter might work better. We get so many texts and email these days. I know if I received an actual apology letter, it would mean more to me than a text. But that’s me, everyone’s different.
very true, paper holds more weight than electrons
You’re all a week too late. I mailed it to her a while ago. I appreciate the kind, supportive words. My posting it here, the World is my witness for the rest of my life. Others can no longer shut me down.
so she didn’t respond, as expected?
eternal darkness, I don’t expect her to respond. She’s very busy with high school and extracurricular activities. She lives with her mother (joint custody), but my ex tends to poison her against me. She can’t stand her mother and is looking forward to moving out when she graduates next school year. I’m not too worried, because I raised her well since she was a baby. Through some serious humbling experiences recent years, I have truly learned the ideal of a patent providing unconditional love—you can never wish nor demand it when you’re the giver, hoping to receive is a waste of worries.
* parent (patent was effing auto-fill)
it’s fine, she’s still young, and usually when people are upset with someone, an apology letter is a start but takes a while for the other person to forgive or come around. idk what your situation is with her and what was done but forgiveness- if it happens- takes a LONG time.
eternaldarkness, it’s sad because it’s more like my goodbye letter.
nah, i know you’ll write another one to her before you decide to leave the mortal world.
wait- unless the letter was recently sent. for some reason, i thought you had sent that letter a while ago (like years).
This touched my heart, I hope you’ll find the way to each other again someday. Don’t be too hard on yourself, there’s plenty of children that don’t have a (good) father.
It’s “Happy Easter/Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas” with my old man. I’ve really tried with him, but there’s no use when the other party doesn’t partake. Sometimes neutral ground is all there’s to aspire between family.
I’m really tempted to let her know there’s nothing left in my life. I lost a son at 11 years old from an illness. Now it feels like I lost my daughter, too. I’ve never done anything horrible, I’m not a bad man, no criminal, never an abusive parent. Ever since I’ve been harassed by the local cops (they seem to not give a crap about disabled combat veterans—the cops here have a toxic macho power problem), I’ve gotten social anxiety worse. I’ve been successful, but with the cops harassing me everyone treats me like I’m some sort of pariah. Nothing brings me joy anymore.
can you move to a different apt in a different jurisdiction? even if it’s like 10mi over or something.
if you haven’t done anything horrible, how come she does not like you or want any form of communication with you?
I sent this to my ex:
“as you probably are aware, I’ve been unemployed since October 2022.
I’ve been doing everything I can to save money to pay on the 15 of each month. Recently, I’ve been having difficulty getting extra work to pay on the 15.
I’m working on getting part-time job this coming week, since I’m barely surviving.
Please do not get your attorney to harass me about this, I am literally trying to survive.
(my daughter) has not spoken to me for quite some time—it’s really hurting me and I’m losing any reason to live.”
how old is your daughter and how much is your child support? if you aren’t working, they know they can’t take anything from you. as soon as you work though, they will. do they take a % then, if what you make is less than the child support amount?
eternaldarkness, I have only 12 months of child support remaining, she graduates next year. I’m no monster, my ex poisons her against me.
Typically, it takes a person 2-3 years to financially rebuild themselves, regardless of what the setback was initially. Mine was being a victim of harassment and circumstance, mostly related to my vet disabilities. No one seems to care, nor give support. I have not been self-destructive nor pushed people away. I’m polite, well-spoken to others, yet I don’t fit in, people lack civility these days. We have a US Constitution, but people are prone to being prejudiced. There seems be no safe space for me anymore
eternaldarkness, I have nothing left. Please email me if you get a chance. I’m real, running out of time and don’t know how to stop the negative thoughts anymore.
Last letter to my daughter:
“I am still a human being and a father who loves you so very much.
I understand you are very busy.
As a human being, I have feelings and have been abandoned by almost all my friends and family. I have nothing left and nearly the will to live anymore. Those are my feelings.
I’m trying to rebuild my life financially and other aspects, all without any support.
I love you always.
Dad
I finally received an email from her, responding “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
I replied: “ No matter how you feel about me (you’re obviously entitled to any thought or feeling), I will ALWAYS be available WHENEVER you need me. That’s pretty much what I want you to be rest assured for the rest of your life—regardless if you ever contact me again.
Since you’re busy in life, I will wait to hear from you, on your terms.
Love Always,
Dad
It hurts, but at least it gives me closure should I ever off myself. At least I know she’s grown up to be an amazing lady. Sometimes, (giving) unconditional love hurts. But that’s okay, because I’m finally at peace with myself regarding being a father, regardless of anything else. My choosing (whenever) my life ends, is now independent of my child.
Thank you, eternaldarkness, for your advice of a final letter. Now I know I have the wisdom that if it ever comes to that finality of life, it will be on my terms when I’m fully at peace with myself (not misery) and I know in my soul when it’s time to die. At that point, the farewell will include gratitude and love.