Mom was abusive to me as a child. But she is the only one who even semi “cares” about me. Which is more than I can say for the rest of them- sisters, brother, cousins, uncles- don’t give a rat’s ass about me. NONE of them are willing to help me in any way or shape. Everyone except my mom would be HAPPY if I killed myself. Not kidding about that. The rest of them just want me gone. They already want nothing to do with me. I don’t talk to them. The 1 or 2 I talk to hate me.
When I was younger, no one took care of me so I took care of myself. I was on left alone since I was 7. I left and was completely on my own at 17. I took care of myself until I got sick. And now that I’m sick, and much older, I’m unable to take care of myself anymore. I’m poor. I’m sick. I need financial help. I need physical help. NO ONE except mother is willing to help- and mom’s help is limited and with strings- that I must come home to a place where I don’t want to be. And I MUST stay there long term.
I do NOT want to live there permanently. Mom will be pissed if I go there and leave after a few months or a year, bc it costs money to fix the crappy apt to the point where it’s functional and liveable. But even after fixing some stuff- it’s still NOT a good place to live. Temporarily, a few months sure, I can stomach that, but I DO NOT want to live there more than a few months. But if I go back, I’ll be forced to stay awhile.
It’s a crappy tiny room, with a crappy tiny kitchen. The kitchen and bathroom will be fixed but not the tiny crappy room. It’s a crappy place. The walls are SO thin and it’s SO noisy outside. There is NO insulation or soundproofing, so all the noise is going to drive me crazy. Not to mention a dog next door that barks all fucking day and night, and children screaming during the day. I fucking hate children.
I don’t want to go back there. But I don’t really have anywhere I can go, not with my “income.” I wanted to go overseas to a 3rd world country bc it’s cheaper there- it WAS a good idea until covid but now everything is expensive. It’s still cheap-ER than the US but not cheap anymore. And also, I’m kinda too sick to go solo to a foreign country, not know the language, and am all alone to fend for myself.
Where do I go? I want to go overseas where it’ll be cheaper- but I’m sick and I’ll be all alone with NO help from anyone. And I don’t know the language. But things should be cheaper there. I could theoretically rent a furnished apt and everything is all ready to go. I just need to get there. The language is an issue tho bc I don’t speak a lick of it.
I can go home but home is dysfunctional. I an middle age so not a teen or in my 20s where that is ok. It’ll be my mother upstairs and my downstairs. But I get a TINY crappy room with a TINY sketchy kitchen. The walls are super thin and it is super noisy outside, so you hear everyone and everything. The noise is going to drive me insane. Oh, and it’s unfurnished so I’d have to spend energy going to get furniture and setting it all up when I don’t even want to be there. I don’t want to settle in and spend all that energy- energy is what i don’t have. And no one is going to help me set up. I mean down to shower curtain and bathmat and toothbrush holder. And dresser and bed and shelves and everything. It is going to take SO much energy to run around and buy everything, which I already know I’m going to struggle to do. It’ll take MONTHS just to get the basics. I can barely function.
I can go fly south of the border and buy my poison and off myself. But that also requires work- to research exactly where to get it and also I’d have to have enough energy to fly down there.
I am currently subletting and I was supposed to leave a month ago. I can’t stay here much longer.
Idk where I can live that is “cheap” (and where it’s NOT dangerous).
I want to go overseas but idk if I can make it there on my own being sick and not knowing the language.
I don’t know what to do or where should I go.
WHAT DO I DO?
WHERE SHOULD I GO?
I NEED HELP Goddamnit!!