Mom was abusive to me as a child. But she is the only one who even semi “cares” about me. Which is more than I can say for the rest of them- sisters, brother, cousins, uncles- don’t give a rat’s ass about me. NONE of them are willing to help me in any way or shape. Everyone except my mom would be HAPPY if I killed myself. Not kidding about that. The rest of them just want me gone. They already want nothing to do with me. I don’t talk to them. The 1 or 2 I talk to hate me.
When I was younger, no one took care of me so I took care of myself. I was on left alone since I was 7. I left and was completely on my own at 17. I took care of myself until I got sick. And now that I’m sick, and much older, I’m unable to take care of myself anymore. I’m poor. I’m sick. I need financial help. I need physical help. NO ONE except mother is willing to help- and mom’s help is limited and with strings- that I must come home to a place where I don’t want to be. And I MUST stay there long term.
I do NOT want to live there permanently. Mom will be pissed if I go there and leave after a few months or a year, bc it costs money to fix the crappy apt to the point where it’s functional and liveable. But even after fixing some stuff- it’s still NOT a good place to live. Temporarily, a few months sure, I can stomach that, but I DO NOT want to live there more than a few months. But if I go back, I’ll be forced to stay awhile.
It’s a crappy tiny room, with a crappy tiny kitchen. The kitchen and bathroom will be fixed but not the tiny crappy room. It’s a crappy place. The walls are SO thin and it’s SO noisy outside. There is NO insulation or soundproofing, so all the noise is going to drive me crazy. Not to mention a dog next door that barks all fucking day and night, and children screaming during the day. I fucking hate children.
I don’t want to go back there. But I don’t really have anywhere I can go, not with my “income.” I wanted to go overseas to a 3rd world country bc it’s cheaper there- it WAS a good idea until covid but now everything is expensive. It’s still cheap-ER than the US but not cheap anymore. And also, I’m kinda too sick to go solo to a foreign country, not know the language, and am all alone to fend for myself.
Where do I go? I want to go overseas where it’ll be cheaper- but I’m sick and I’ll be all alone with NO help from anyone. And I don’t know the language. But things should be cheaper there. I could theoretically rent a furnished apt and everything is all ready to go. I just need to get there. The language is an issue tho bc I don’t speak a lick of it.
I can go home but home is dysfunctional. I an middle age so not a teen or in my 20s where that is ok. It’ll be my mother upstairs and my downstairs. But I get a TINY crappy room with a TINY sketchy kitchen. The walls are super thin and it is super noisy outside, so you hear everyone and everything. The noise is going to drive me insane. Oh, and it’s unfurnished so I’d have to spend energy going to get furniture and setting it all up when I don’t even want to be there. I don’t want to settle in and spend all that energy- energy is what i don’t have. And no one is going to help me set up. I mean down to shower curtain and bathmat and toothbrush holder. And dresser and bed and shelves and everything. It is going to take SO much energy to run around and buy everything, which I already know I’m going to struggle to do. It’ll take MONTHS just to get the basics. I can barely function.
I can go fly south of the border and buy my poison and off myself. But that also requires work- to research exactly where to get it and also I’d have to have enough energy to fly down there.
I am currently subletting and I was supposed to leave a month ago. I can’t stay here much longer.
Idk where I can live that is “cheap” (and where it’s NOT dangerous).
I want to go overseas but idk if I can make it there on my own being sick and not knowing the language.
I don’t know what to do or where should I go.
WHAT DO I DO?
WHERE SHOULD I GO?
I NEED HELP Goddamnit!!
You can come to India. It’s cheap here comparatively. $100 a month will get you a good apartment.
unfortunately, all the cheap countries i can’t live. i can’t eat indian food…allergic to dairy and indian food is all dairy, and spicy. can’t eat spicy. i’ve tried eating indian food, there’s some dishes i do like, like saag, but everything too spicy and full of dairy.
also the heat and humidity would kill me. otherwise i’d move to SE Asia. cheap there too, but also hot, humid, spicy food, everything is seafood that i’m allergic to.
Wherever you got those ideas about Indian food!? Dairy products are only in dairy dishes, like paneer. Rest all dishes, which are huge in number, have no relation to dairy whatsoever. Similarly spice level all depends on your taste and preference. I get my dinner from a tiffin service and I tell them my preferable spice level and they send my food accordingly. Or I can make myself (but I’m lazy/don’t wanna learn the skill).
You’re right about weather. It’s rather hot, but only in summer so 3-4 months a year. For those months some people choose to go to hilly areas near himalayas. And electricity is cheap too so one can use AC. Although I tackle summer in different way. I remain awake during night and sleep during day. Can’t be conscious about heat if you’re not conscious at all ?
Yes, there IS a lot of dairy in Indian food. I’m not bashing Indian food in any way. I just can’t eat dairy. There IS a lot of butter in a lot of dishes. I went to a lot of Indian restaurants here in the US and it’s near impossible to find a dish that doesn’t have dairy.
By the way, American food has a lot of dairy too. It’s in everything. People jsut don’t realize how much dairy is in western food- and i don’t mean just cheese or milk. That is the thing- when you are ALLERGIC to stuff, you have to look at ALL the ingredients in things and you do find out A SHIT TON of western food has dairy. Almost everything has dairy in it- it’s the casein- and people don’t know almost everything has dairy mixed in. And It’s NOT just the milk and cheese.
Indian food DOES have a lot of dairy. It IS spicy. I cannot handle ANY level of spicy, and it’s impossible not to have ANY spicy. Also, there’s a lot of spices in the food- non spicy but spices that contain flavoring. I’m allergic to a lot of spices too.
Anyhow, I am not knocking Indian food. I used to love eating naan and saag. Indian food is just something I cannot eat.
BTW I have a lot of digestive issues, so I can’t eat most foods, not just Indian foods. WHen you have a sensitive gut, there’s just stuff you can’t eat. Just bc you or other people can eat it, doesn’t mean I can.
Looks like Indian restaurants in America exaggerate things to maintain a certain image. Because here in India we generally use oil, not butter. Butter can be added on top after dish is prepared to increase taste but that’s entirely optional. Like the saag you mentioned. It can be prepared with oil and then butter is added on top to increase taste, but chefs probably don’t tell that. In naan also butter is added later on after it’s ready. With or without butter I find it equally enjoyable, it’s one of the most popular item in marriage parties.
Anyhow, I understand that you have allergy issues and cannot eat certain type of foods. I was just letting you know that India is an option and there are variety of veg and non veg food options here which may be within your health range, since you mentioned in your post about wanting to move to a country where things are cheaper.
right, i’m basing it off of what Indian food I’ve been exposed to in the US. I’m sure real Indian food is different. It’s jsut me and gut issues that makes life living anywhere, even the US, difficult. I mean, there’s plenty of nondairy options here, but they cost more money (like nondairy, gf, soy free, etc). Thanks for the suggestion. I did go through all of the countries in Asia to see if any were suitable for me given my allergies and health issues. I have seafood allergies so all of SE Asia is out. And SE Asia is cheap too.
I just wish I had an easier life, bc being sick and poor limits me in SO many ways. -_-
Anyhow, I am craving naan lol 😛
And yes, the buttery kind does taste better
which is another rant i have bc everyone else can eat things and have no issues. but i do. most foods make me sick. it’s what happens when you have immune and gut issues.
I totally relate to this. When I first discovered suicidal depression I cooked up a plan to go south of the border to get that special sauce but didn’t know where to begin. My plan morphed into the idea of just walking south, walking and walking til I hit the tip of Chile. maybe I’d find a reason to live between here and there. but that’s just another pipe dream. The reality is we’re stuck. wherever we are we’re stuck.
I also get what you’re saying about family. Back in the 70s they did a cruel fucking bullshit experiment on monkeys, they ripped newborn monkeys away from their mothers and stuck them in a room with a fake ‘mother’ monkey made out of wire and fur. Guess what, the tortured babies ended up clinging to the fake mother. and in the months that followed, the tortured babies developed severe psychological issues. GOLLY GEE! the scientists patted themselves on the back for their great discovery, collected their awards, and ‘dispose of’ all the animals in the experiment (and no, that doesn’t mean flying them back to their natural homes in the congo, it means the trash can).
Anyway my point is it’s clear as day but nobody seems to get it.. They need to conduct these bullshit vivisection experiments to figure out common sense: When deprived of essential nurturing in formative years, we turned out fucked up.
I just wish someone would jab a needle in me and throw me in the trash like they did with those experiments.
“The reality is we’re stuck. wherever we are we’re stuck.”
–> Exactly. The reason for so such high rates of depression is bc of that. Mostly bc of lack of money. Our economy has been hijacked by the rich, every penny being squeeze out and passed upwards. If avg Joe could escape their life, we wouldn’t be so depressed.
If you could afford to leave and just go where ever and do whatever you wanted, you may not “cured” but you’d sure af would be better off and somewhat happier. I know I would be. I may never be truly “happy” but not depressed af and miserable all the time would be ok.
I have always been depressed, but the depression hasn’t always been at this level where i’m miserable and suicidal. At times I had fun, when I was able to go out and do fun things and events. But that required money.
I am single with no kids or anything. If I had the means, I could just go.
When deprived of essential nurturing in formative years, we turned out fucked up.
–>Exactly. That’s why I fucking resent dipshits that say “think positive” or “the past is the past” bc THOSE fuckers haven’t had that shit happen to THEM. Easy for them to say bc they’ve had good lives.
Even other depressed ppl will say shit like that too bc not everyone has the same level of depression. Those on the milder side also scoff at us for not being able to “get over it” like they did. Especially those who grew up in great environments (middle or upper middle income, in safe neighborhood, at least 1 parent loving them, etc).
That’s the thing that ppl can’t FATHOM- ppl just can’t put themselves in other people’s shoes. That’s a uniquely American thing. If something didn’t happen to them, they just can’t understand, nor do they want to. And they view THEIR minor problems as huge, when that just doesn’t compare to say someone who’s been abused as a child, or raped, or what have you. Not everyone who has depression has the same kind of problems, and the ones who have been abused or neglected as a child, you’re right, we grow up fucked up. And it’s not easy to get out of that. Like a broken bone- that heals. But childhood trauma, that shit never goes away.
“I just wish someone would jab a needle in me and throw me in the trash like they did with those experiments.”
–>hehe, i like that thinking! that’s the deep morbid way i think too. very few understand or think that way. we are just labeled as “defective” and they DO toss us aside- by shunning us and turning it on us as if it’s all our fault our lives are shit and we can’t seem to make it better, bc we’re too lazy or too stupid. Or that we LIKE being depressed and CHOOSE to be depressed. which is the most stupidest thing ppl say, but they do believe that- that it’s our CHOICE to be depressed. like WHO TF CHOOSES to be depressed? and WHO TF CHOOSES to be broken and miserable? fucking morons.
you’re dark @bends. i like it. it’s hard finding another person who thinks the way i do. when life treats you like shit, how can one NOT be angry or bitter or jaded? it’s always “there’s good people out there!” “think positive!!” Yeah well, where’s all the “good” people?
“WHO TF CHOOSES to be depressed?”
Bingo. Imagine if those asshats went into a cancer ward and said “cancer is a choice” or “You have to help yourself” or “Look at me, I survived cancer so shut up and get better!”
idk dude it’s like most humans lack basic empathy. And they fail to see that there are horrors beyond their comprehension. Meanwhile the few who have empathy end up depressed because theyre absorbing all the BS of the world. Thats the part I can’t understand… The “good” people end up fucked. They’re the ones who can’t sleep at night bc they’re bothered by the state of the world and the result is depression or suicide.
Yea if you notice these things it’s pretty hard to avoid becoming dark af. And that further alienates you from the happy herd because they dont wanna catch your disease :/
“it’s like most humans lack basic empathy.”
–>that’s bc they do. that’s why i don’t believe there’s many “good” people left in this world.
“And they fail to see that there are horrors beyond their comprehension”
–>Bc they’re selfish and don’t care or want to think beyond themselves.
“The “good” people end up fucked.”
–>Exactly. You notice who are the most successful people? The ones that make the most money? The ones that are happiest? The ones that sleep the best? The psychopaths and the assholes who don’t care. The ones who do, like you and me, end up fucked.
what PISSES me off about America is not just that we live in a plutocracy and that the poor and middle are being choked, but when you try to talk to others about it, they’re dumb/ignorant/refuse to admit America has meritocracy problems and that if you’re poor, then it’s bc it’s YOUR own fault and not the fault of the system that was designed by the wealthy to keep people poor. It’s like talking to a wall. Worse bc a wall at least won’t talk back and defend the vulture capitalism and looting of the coffers that is going on in America. I’m sick of dumb ppl trying to convince me the problem is POOR PPL and NOT the wealthy squeezing the the fuck out of the poor and middle class.
so where does this leave people like us, bends? just what TF do we do?
I tried hard to come up with an optimistic answer but the answer is ‘we end up fucked’. I suppose in a really roundabout way we might be able to find happiness if we feel like we’re doing something meaningful. Even tiny shit like cleaning trash off the beach or whatever. I knew a guy who was broke & hopeless but he rescued cats and that gave him the will to live. It pales in comparison to the evil in the world but I guess it’s like a mini delusional reality where you carve out a tiny patch of goodness.
but I threw up in my mouth a little just typing that. the truth is we’re fucked. Unless we stumble on a stash of money (enough to afford a quiet place to live, at least) then it doesn’t matter how much trash we pick up off the beach, any good feeling is gonna get smothered by the 4 dirty walls around you :/
btw did you decide to go back to your family? tbh that’s what I would do in your shoes… it would suck but at least you’d be able to start saving money for a better future?
i really don’t want to go back. the problem with going back is they’d have to fix the damn place, and that costs money, which means if she spends it to fix it up for me (well it needed to be fixed in general for it to be liveable, not just for me but they’ll think it’s ALL for me when really 80% of the stuff needed to be gutted and fixed- an the problem is that they’ll only spend so much to fix it so after it’s “fixed,” it still wont be great bc there’s a lot that is just not gonna get fixed. it would be mediocre at best).
anyhow if money is being spent to fix it “for me” then i’m going to be forced to stay a while and i don’t want to do that. staying in the US is only delaying my life elsewhere. my only future is finding a suitable 3rd world country to live in. so i can get my fucking healthcare and not the shitcare here in the USA which also happens to cost a fucking arm and leg. AND they fucking butcher you while they send you a large bill.
the longer i stay in the US, the longer i’m going to rot, bc i won’t be able to afford to go anywhere or do anything. yeah “rent” is free but it’s basically a tiny TINY room with a tiny bathroom and tiny kitchen- in the basement. the room is literally smaller than my sister’s closet in AZ.
it’s not a place to live- i don’t mind a few months, but i can’t fucking live there. and if they spend money to fix it, they’re going to be pissed when i leave after all the money is spent.
my thing is- i wanted to leave NOW. but i can’t really bc i’m so sick and weak. but also i’m not mentally able to get the shit i need to get done to research a right place to live (it gets tricky with permanent residency, they all have their requirements and i have certain “things” i need to “juggle” to make it work that other ppl don’t have to deal with when it comes to just moving overseas- it basically requires me to be in the US every so often and see drs and hospitals here
anyway, i wanted to leave NOW but i’m not really mentally or physically capable- and if i leave later, say 6mo from now, i still need a place to stay NOW. and that is the problem. i don’t have any suitable place to stay NOW.
but they’re going to be pissed if money is spent to fix up the place and i leave in 6mo or 12mo. hell, i’m not sure i can even wait 6mo. summer is coming and it’s nasty here in the summer. hot and humid and gross. and i fucking hate ppl and “home” is so fucking noisy and crowded and FULL of ppl. UGH.
basically i’m fucked bc i don’t have anywhere to go temporarily while i figure out how to get overseas. and going to a 3rd world country was a GOOD idea UNTIL FUCKING COVID ruined everything. prices for everything has skyrocketed, overseas and here. Rent, food, services ALL increased. moving to a 3rd world country when you’re poor was doable and affordable, but NOW bc of all the ASSHAT digital nomads who make shittons of money and go live overseas, they increased the cost of living and cost of EVERYTHING for everyone else. basically expats moving over in swaths and digital nomads jack up the prices of everything so the local economy gets fucked.
i’m all for expat communities bc i sure af can’t speak anything other than english (i’m fine with trying to learn but that is going to take awhile and in the meantime i’m fucked when i can’t speak the language).
BUT most expats are idiots. they jack up the prices of things bc they’re dumb. ESP fucking Americans. bringing the idea of “tipping” over to other countries and fucking up the local economy bc of that. tipping basically jacks the cost of all services, and then ppl get used to tipping so you’re forced to pay more and more.
anyhow, i can go in depth with tipping later but the cost of living is so expensive now in all the “suitable” places and i can’t find a place i can go to now after COVID fucked everything up and jacked up all the prices of everything. there are some cheap places like India or SE Asia but I can’t go there bc it’s hot and humid af and everything is spicy and seafood (i have allergies) so basically ALL of SE Asia is off limits, and all of the Carribean Islands is off limits for the same reasons. Which leaves me only Africa and Latin America. Africa is hot af so then that only leaves me with Latin America. And there’s only so many countries that are stable there that would be suitable for “retiring” there.
Also there’s issues about not being able to bring goods in, like health products bc there isn’t like an Amazon to deliver. Anyhow, it’s not easy to live in a 3rd world country. It’s no longer “cheap” just cheaper-ER than the US.
Even Mexico I’m seeing rents like 700-1000/mo. 600-700 is the cheapest in the expat areas so i’m guessing it’s like 800-900/mo i can find a decent apt. and that’s JUST an apt. let alone food and utils and whatever other expenses. So not cheap. idk man. i can’t find a place that’s cheap AND safe. yes i can find a CHEAP places overseas but usually cheap places are dangerous. and it takes some work to find an affordable but safe place to live. I had been thinking Ecuador for awhile but again- fucking covid jacked all the prices up of everything- and also there’s issues on bringing/ordering health stuff or any stuff that you want/need that isn’t local.
Anyway, long story short is that, BEING POOR MAKES EVERYTHING 1,000,000X FUCKING HARDER
also i’m not thrilled to go to “home” bc there’s nothing set up- it’s empty and i have to run around buying furniture and every single thing i need to live- which takes SO much energy that i do not have- but also to spend all that money for temporary is fucking shitty and wasteful.
Long story short, I NEED MONEY. It would literally fix 80% of my problems. Yeah I might still not be “happy” but I’d be WAY fucking better off. I wouldn’t be miserable 24-7, feeling suicidal, and feeling like a trapped rat.
All these idiots that say “money won’t solve anything” or “money won’t bring happiness” are too dumb or too afraid to realize that yes, MONEY WOULD make 98% of people’s lives better. bc most Americans don’t have enough money. and most American don’t have enough money BC of the rich controlling our economy and our politicians and rules that consistently benefit the rich and hurt the poor. Idk why people refuse to believe the wealthy are robbing the poor blind in America. There is a reason why there’s “no money” for social services yet ALWAYS plenty of money for more war.
Look at WHO is depressed or suicidal. Look at WHO is part of the opioid epidemic. Is it the rich? WHO are the ppl trapped at jobs they hate or live in places they hate?
I don’t know what is wrong with me, every time I try and figure out something to say to this one I keep having the song by Foreigner Cold As Ice stuck in my head, and it’s louder than any of the thoughts I can think
Which, incidentally I had never looked up until today, it’s just been background music on so much. If I was to pick a Foreigner song for the depressed, it would be Head Games