I guess everyone has limits. I’m reaching mine. I can’t take much more and if it doesn’t get better I see no reason to continue on with this life as well as the thoughts in my head. They’re killing me. And I’m so overwhelmed. Time is ticking, there’s so much shit to do. My dad is barely being any help, only trying to help with his new girlfriend around. I’m reaching my limits however small they may be, I cant do anymore and I cant go any further. I want relief. I want to disappear. This fucking life, this world, holy shit. I just can’t do it.
They say the sky is the limit but I must’ve hit the ceiling and hard. I’m nothing but a rotten failure. Nothing but a pile of rot that spreads its shit around everywhere it goes. The rot just needs to die. I’m constantly screaming in my head but nobody knows or bothers to know the difference. I’m scared of everything. Mentally my health is going downhill and I’m unsure if anyone takes that seriously. I’ve taken to writing or posting here, otherwise keeping it to myself. I know searching for a relief is selfish of me but it’s the only thing that will keep me alive right now. Even if it’s just something to keep me busy. I hate being too busy, it’s too overwhelming, but I cant be completely not busy either, I need something to do yet I cant even bring myself to do anything…
I’m just reaching my limits. I can’t do anymore. Just… I dont know. I’ve been very stressed out about everything in my life. I have no hope, maybe there isn’t any. Maybe I’m still being a childish brat thinking there is… I just need there to be a point for all of this suffering. Suffering… its probably not even that, I’m sure my stupid mind makes it seem so dramatic like it’s so bad, like the rot I am… I’m ashamed of myself and my existence, especially continuing it. How pathetic of me, I cant even die! Even when it may truly be better for everyone I say I care for. And I do!! But I’m too selfish to do what’s best for everyone in the end. Or maybe its only best for me, truly, and the rot in me is just making me do this to make everything worse AGAIN. ALL I DO IS FUCKING ROT EVERYTHING. I DON’T WANT TO AND I DON’T EVEN MEAN TO-!! EVERYTHING I DO IS ROT-
I can’t get out of my head. I just need out of my head for awhile and nothing I do is making that happen and I just need out I just want a relief even if that’s death I dont care anymore I’m already horrible enough and I’m already in pain and it never fucking goes away and one can only ever take so much everyone has a limit and god damn I’ve reached mine and I’m done and I cant do it anymore.
That’s some serious anxiety, been there, not a good time at all, not even a dealable bad time, it just sucks. What does your self care look like? How are you setting goals?
that second one is important, because it sounds like you are having trouble hitting the goals you’re setting, which in turn discourages you, and the cycle of anxiety continues. I know that inner questioning; “What’s wrong with me?” If you take it as a known bug, you are performing sub optimally, how do you get the best results you can from there?
Set realistic goals. That whole reach for the stars stuff is crap, overly optimistic BS. Reach for what you can almost certainly reach.
[this is the point I have multiple metaphors, but can’t decide if you come across as more of a computer person or a car person, then decide to do both because screw it they’re good metaphors]
Suppose you had a car, stuck in the mud. There’s a direction you want to go, and as likely as not that’s the hardest direction. So, let it sit in the mud, or try and extract it in another direction, right? Because having a car is something more than the current condition. Maybe put cardboard under the wheels, whatever it takes try and physically rock it out of the rut (I confess, this has happened to my car a few times), but when it starts moving, man are you going to feel good.
Or suppose your computer was crashing every boot up, and you really wanted to play a brand new game that keeps crashing it. It’d be wonderful to play that game, and maybe down the road that’s possible, but having a computer is better than no computer. I’ve had the point where I’m thinking “if I can just get linux to boot” (linux would boot on almost anything), then at least I have a web browser and some of my tools.
and I realize it’s entirely possible that neither metaphor you could relate to. Oh well. That’s my last tip “oh well”, examining in detail what isn’t working reaches the point that it is pointless. It feels like you’re doing something, but you’re just spinning your wheels (I told myself I’d stop with the car metaphors, I was wrong.) Can you give yourself permission to have failed, and move forward with something different?
Because you don’t have a monopoly on screwing up. It’s something most of us are dealing with. You aren’t a bad person because of your screw ups. Frankly, I don’t believe in bad people. You’re trying to make more of your life, and that is admirable and noble. A bump along the way? Oh well, you can move on.
Just where is all this pressure to succeed coming from? If it’s actually making you less productive, isn’t it worth it to try and change direction and take that pressure off?
I’m not sure whats considered “good” self care, just try to keep myself as clean as I have the energy to be, and I force myself to eat when I should, not that it’s ever anything healthy.. Do you have any suggestions/explanations for that? I worry I dont deserve it anyhow.
As for goals, I’m not sure how I’m setting them, I feel like I have no real goals at all… the things I think about doing are very distant, laughable to me now. I’m shit at making myself get anything done to make any progress. My realistic goal is mainly to simply make it to the next day, which is puny.
One of my main issues is how me being… me, seems to cause more harm than good to people I care about, and I have a lot of anxiety about causing… really bad things to happen. Directly or indirectly, that doesnt really matter. I feel like no matter what I do I’m going to screw up and make everyone’s lives miserable. On top of that, somewhat back to goals, I’m completely unproductive and worthless.
“Just where is all this pressure to succeed coming from?” – family, school, myself because if I dont succeed in anything at all (except possibly causing problems) then I’m worthless and theres no point in my existence. I dont really know what to do with all of that.
I do the best I can to get by, I help when I can (is it really helping? I dont know) I keep myself alive, even though I hate living with myself. Too many bumps might be too bad, I might even be causing them all, but honestly I’m unsure. Uncertainty kills me.