Narcissus, by Carvaggio
I’m here I guess. I feel like it doesnt matter all that much… but I’m here.
I kinda feel like shit for what I’ve said/thought about the people I say I care about, like in the last post. I shouldn’t be so selfish… and I feel really bad now. I know some of them if not all of them, have issues/stuff going on and I shouldnt bother them… and I shouldnt expect or want anything like I’ve mentioned, from them or anyone. And I don’t deserve anything either…
I’ve just… felt so alone lately. I feel like everyones just taking a jab at me if they’re around, and otherwise dont care if I’m around or not. My family doesnt really care about anything I do to help out with anything. I have 2 people who I consider friends, but I don’t get to talk to them much. One of them always… forgets, and has stuff going on too, and my other friend doesnt have a phone at the moment, and also always forgets to talk to me… it kinda stings. But it would be rude of me to say anything or expect anything… I’m not mad at them, at all, just… I dunno. I know I wont be hearing from them tonight, probably not from my partner either…. I hope they’re okay at least. I wish we could talk more. God, I’m probably a narcissist or something… anyway.
The music I’m listening to is soothing… I feel comforted a little… it’s one of the few things I go out of my way to do, find and download and listen to music, for as long as I can. Looking at art is cool too… the painting up at the top I found on a music playlist of a channel I follow, they post a lot of art and it’s nice to look at. Mainly ‘classic’ art and what not, but they’re classic for a reason. I dont know what it is about it, arts just a thing for me.
Today wasnt very good, but I really tried my best. Did what I was supposed to, and I was cooperative and didnt snap at anyone, kept my mouth shut… even went out of my way to hang out with my sister for a designated time to make her happy and keep her off my back.
Now… I’m just here. I’m at a loss. I guess I should probably just go to sleep, but I’m holding on to a hope that ^they^ will text me, even though I really doubt it…
I’m not worth talking to anyway. I’m a boring and ignorant pathetic individual. Clearly I’m also sensitive (not in a good way.) which makes me more unlikable and more rotten. At least this way, I cant hurt anyone other than myself I guess…
I mean it’s okay, I dont feel like I exist most of the time anyway, I’m just floating in space and I lose track of everything…
I hope one day I can be worth loving.
Would you say your partner knows how you feel? Like are you afraid to tell them what you’re going through? Me personally, if someone I cherish is going through something, I try to talk about it. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it can be something. I’m not going to lie, but sometimes even chatting others about your sadness can sometimes drive people away. Not saying you do that, but it’s something that can happen. I experienced it myself. I hope you’re able to get to talk to your friends.
How I feel to this extent? I doubt it right now… I try to talk when they want to, but when they shut down like this I cant get a hold of them. Big disadvantage of ldr.
“sometimes even chatting about your sadness can sometimes drive people away” – and that right there is what I’m scared of, and scared of causing even more pain with my sadness. That’s part of the rot, you know? I don’t know. Thank you I hope I can talk to them soon, wishing you the best.