screaming into the abyss

So. Tired. Of. Feeling. Like. Shit. All the fucking time. All I want is to fucking die, yet pathetically I grasp this little thread of hope of peace and a better fucking life, knowing damn well it won’t happen. Knowing I deserve all this shit. Knowing I’m just sitting here rotting and all I am is a pile of fucking rot. And I’m sick of everything. And I’m sick of my fucking family, I’m sick of my “dad” who doesnt even give a shit about anything but his work and new gf and her family. I’m tired of listening to my family ***** about God knows what while I sit in silence fighting the temptation to bash my head into the wall ’cause they wont just shut up. I’m sick of fighting these thoughts in my head when the thoughts are probably right and I’m just fucking worthless. I’m sick of people saying they care and yet they keep forgetting to fucking talk to me. And of course im understanding of situations, but can you at least let me know??!?! I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you need, but how the fuck am I supposed to know when it’s like you disappeared off the face of the fucking earth? I wanna feel cared for too, I wanna be held and feel safe too, I need these things to stay sane too!!! But I- I just dont understand anything anymore. I feel like a ghost, completely unseen. If I AM seen, everyone runs off (like running from a ghost) and I’m left in this prison of my stupid fucking head. Soon I am going to attempt something but I dont know when or how yet, I just know I will. At least try. I’m reaching limits and I am breaking. Is anyone gonna care when I shatter and break and all my remains just chill out on the ground until they fade away completely? Will it be noticeable? Who the fuck cares anyway. All I am is a worthless pile of rot and I’m contributing to all the shit in the world making everything worse and making everybody miserable so in the end I should just die because it doesnt really matter and if I really cared about it and if I really wanna die I’ll just do it. But I’m pathetic as shit. I’m very irritable and depressed. I cant pull myself out of this. I really, really am trying my best, making an effort, especially to be positive and practice gratitude and all that shit, and trying to make myself a better person and the best friend/partner/family member I can be. But maybe the only way is to just stop being any of that and just be dead. I’m sure I’m just being an illogical dumbass as always, and surely at least my partner will care? But I’m just sick of feeling this way, and I cant even talk to anyone about it ’cause everybody’s got shit going on and all I’ll do is make everything worse. God I am such a worthless fuck. I’m just done, I’m quitting. I’m not gonna fight anymore I’m just so sick and tired of it all. Everything hurts.

I feel horrible. I hate being like this, and I hate myself, and I hate this life. I’m doing everything I can to not snap at fucking everything and ruin it all. Its tempting. Just to scream at everyone until my throat bleeds and destroy everything in my path, killing myself as the grand finale. Let people I’m done with everything. I dont know. I’m just tired. Drained. I want to die.