Today has been really shitty and awful. Granted, a lot of my days are, but today decided to be a bit worse. I had to stay out of one of my classes and cried for the entire hour. My eyes still hurt. I just felt and still feel so horribly alone, I wanted someone to ask if I was okay… I zoned through the rest of my classes. I isolated more than usual, no one bothered to talk to me or see what was up in the one hour that I DO talk to people during the day (not that they probably want me to, I guess…) Now I’m just here at the house in town. Alone again. Been browsing youtube mindlessly, I can’t even remember anything I watched, I never really paid attention. Oh, there was one, there’s some girl who’s getting in trouble ’cause she fucked a fucking dog. Made me sick. Other than that I can’t remember anything. The internet here has been really shitty so it’s been hard to even watch much, which pissed me off greatly for a bit.
Today is my usual day to see the school counselor, and even that was taken from me today. Hopefully we’ll get to talk tomorrow, but I kinda needed it today. It’s fine I guess. I’m struggling to believe anything matters anymore, I’m struggling to have any hope or strength to keep going. It’s just been getting worse all around. While I do still think my death would be good for everyone else, I’m starting to think about myself too, how fucking relieving it would be! I wouldn’t be stuck in my own pathetic head anymore and I wouldn’t feel sad or pissed off or have to worry about the state of the world. I’d be gone. And maybe it’s worth that. It’s clear they all have other people, I’m clearly not needed. If I am, they’re bad at showing it at the moment. There’s obviously something wrong with me, to be discarded so easily, or unlovable. I wish I knew what it was. I’d change it, or at least do my absolute best so I could be worth talking to… I wish I’d just stop caring, but not caring wouldn’t change the fact that I’m lonely.
I feel like shit. I feel like I’m going crazy, feeling all this shit at once. All in waves. It all hurts.
I feel like the stuff I post on here is embarrassing and stupid. I think I talk too much. But… the people on here are nice, it’s nice to see people reply and seem to care, even just a little.
I might cry again but I hope not… I don’t want to cry here alone again because it will just remind me how lonely and depressed I feel and it will make everything worse and I won’t ever stop crying and whining like a pathetic little brat child.