Weary

I know in every part of me that my life is a failed mess and the experiment should be aborted but I lack the courage to do the honorable thing. Instead, I hold on, day after day, while things get more and more pathetic and shameful. I am not sure how much I will endure before I finally get the nerve to do the hard thing.

Society is constantly forcing me to think that I should live on. Telling me to use CBT. Not on my nuts but on my brain. It doesn’t seem to work. Somehow, the grid method and the jahari window seem to make my problems seem like something I’m just supposed to transcend and float above while I fake-it-till-I make-it. I would love to see one of the geniuses who devised that junk actually try to fix themselves with the same methods while living a failed, useless, miserable life.

The drugs don’t work anymore. They get me feeling a bit high by the afternoon but I’m not going off feelings anymore. I can see what I am and what my life is and no emotion will change that.

Friends, support groups. My family is toxic, they are happier when my negative, ugly influence cannot be felt. I’ve no friends left. They’ve either distanced them selves from me because they have seen me for the constant drag that I am or I ghost them because I don’t want them to see my pathetic life.

Women are an alien species now. So far away and different. I am ugly and I have no money to take care of a woman plus my anxiety is so out of control half the time I will have performance issues. Do the math: 1+1+1 = a lonely jerkoff.

So I’m just hanging around in limbo right now. I need no interventions or help unless it is help finding the guts to overcome my cowardice and stop the shame once and for all.

Thanks.