I just woke up minutes ago. But for what? I’m alone, I dont know where any of my family is, they’re all on their separate outings I guess. I was having good dreams. I want to go back to sleep. I slept about 11 hours, waking up here and there. Why am I still so exhausted? I feel like I didnt sleep at all.
There are things needing to be done, like my laundry, I need to shower, and more packing as well. I dont feel like doing any of it. I feel like maybe I could sit through a full LOTR movie, I might do that. I don’t want to eat because I’m close to 100 lbs and I want to get lower. I look ugly and fat when I’m like this. At least I’m a little more tolerable looking without the stomach, I think. People always bring my weight up, and it helps nothing and makes me worry more. When did I start eating so much?
I just want to go back to sleep. Like I said before, I was having good dreams. And I can remember parts of them, for once… some parts were sad too, but it got happy. And comforting. Then I woke up in my room. With an oncoming headache and the cough that hasnt left me for a week now.
It’s just all pointless. I dont want to continue this cycle of life anymore. It wont get any better, soon, it’ll just be college, work, home, and it will become more stressful and I’ll hate life even more. And I dont see the point in it. All I want now is to sleep forever in the bliss of my dreams and worlds in my mind.
Well, I should get on with my day, not that I want to. I just want to die. Would it bother anyone to walk into my room to a dead body, I wonder? I guess I don’t want them seeing that, especially my sister who’s only 9. I’m just so fucking tired of all of it.
I guess it’s all my fault and I deserve it in the end anyway. Oh well. Too many thoughts for the morning, I think.
Sorry you are stuck in this cycle. I hope there is something that will break you out of it. Dreams are always nice, but suck when interrupted. They are sometimes our only solace. Physical appearance is hard, because so many people want different things. They always end up unhappy with it. I had a close friend once who experienced something similar with her weight. I hope the both of you manage to find peace with it.
Guilt is a horrid feeling. Guilt is probably one of the worst feelings out there. It feels like a disservice to call it a “feeling” because of how consuming it is. Im sorry you harbour guilt, or it seems that way to me at least. you don’t deserve any of it. you don’t deserve any of it.
Too many thoughts for the morning, or really just, “too many thoughts for x time” is something i tell myself a lot lol.