This is probably going to be me screaming into the void again. It was always going to be, I thought about screaming it into the void of my actual life… and the part of me that’s a brand manager wasn’t cool with that. I’ll never be a brand manager for anyone but myself, but I’m the only brand manager I can afford. That might be sadder than what I’m here to talk about. Leaving that right there.
but I could have been more than this. Not a lot more, in fact something so sad and awful I never thought I’d regret not being it. I could have been a cult leader, or something similarly soceopathic.
I have the economic background, not well off enough to be bought off, but over educated enough to be a serious threat to the world around me. Growing up, I almost always had minions of some kind. People insecure enough to follow me, but useful enough for me to trust them representing me. As we all know I’m utterly self involved, a classic fit for the role.
I guess up until now I thought something better would come along, and it hasn’t. I have just enough of a soul left to be a little conflicted about the harm I might cause….. but I could burn that, develop an ideology and collect enough washed out shills to live the good life, for a few years anyway.
is there an emotion that is a combination of incredibly ambitious and substantially depressed? That’s where I’m at about the whole thing. Like I used to think I’d be doing the world a favor if I offed myself, and now I think “what do I owe those assholes?” I just want a worthwhile damn project, and apparently that was too big of an ask.
the real sticking point is this thought; “If I don’t do it, someone else will.” That’s classic rationalization, you know who thinks that? monsters…… but I might be depressed enough to be okay with being a monster.