realized today how much I really do daydream, and how I don’t even live in this reality, but in the worlds I have created in my mind instead. I notice while I thought about it how its been the only way I’ve been happy at all, about 95% of my life. of course, now and then, it will turn on me… my mind is still dumb as shit, y’know? but all of these elaborate imaginings, especially the ones being with friends, or being with my partner (long distance really fucking sucks.) …. all of it… isnt real. and it makes me really sad, and it jolts me into reality once more. but, soon enough, I’m back in my head. both my safety net, and my prison. the reason I’m thinking of this so much is because I found a video somewhat related – it was about “reality shifters” anyway. it really is an ideal form of escapism, until it turns on you and becomes dark as well. then again… it’s not real. a lot of stuff just isnt real. I dissociate a lot, too, so it doesnt help. I don’t feel real most of the time, because I’m so stuck in my head. I watch reality through a screen. I’m struggling to be real, even right now. but, isnt that why I’ve done this? because I don’t want to be real. or in this world. but, I guess, it’s not very healthy. then again, what’s it matter? when I’m real I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m in constant pain. even my worlds are dark… because it’s just seeping in everywhere inside of me. but it’s the way I’ve coped since I was a child. I think that’s why I dont remember much of my childhood, I was stuck in my room a lot of the time, from what I remember (I’d get in trouble if I got out..), and instead of dealing with anything I would pace the floors for hours and hours in my new world… I still do that today (fuck, I did that today, a few minutes ago, even) and usually I’m listening to music as I’m doing so. I’m glad I’m not the only one who does (like the videos earlier) so hopefully I’m not crazy or anything… but it really is an endless loop. endless bullshit. I fucking hate my head.
well that sucks.