I asked my best friend yesterday if he knew I suffered from depression. He said I might have mentioned it in passing. This sounds about right – i tend to mention when I’m doing well that I suffer, to let people know I understand. I get the impression people usually don’t believe me because I don’t ‘look’ like I’m depressed in the moment. When I am depressed, I tend to hide and not let anyone see it. But I’ve always wondered, maybe I’m not so good at hiding as I think I am? Maybe some people figured it out. But he told me I seemed really good at dealing with all my problems. That made me smile a bit – the way I’ve been ‘dealing’ for the past few months is waiting until 5pm when I allow myself to get stoned and drunk.
Anyway, then he told me about his depression. And I kinda had suspicians, but also never engaged directly for a lot of reasons… firstly, because like a lot of depressed people (myself included), he had the tendancy to lash out at others when he was in a bad way, which of course makes you not want to engage. He could be very unpleasant. Also, I believe our worst periods tended to overlap so we sorta withdrew simeoultaneously.
Lately the cracks have been forming. I’m not so good at holding it together. I had a coffee date today with a casual friend I’m not that close with – she lost her mother a few months ago, yet I ended up being the one to fall apart and she ended up consoling me, when it should have been the other way around. I was meant to do a volunteer shift tomorrow and also meet a friend but I think I will cancel because I need to stay home and hide my tears.
Lately I’ve wanted to explain to people that I have these demons, because I know it causes a lot of misunderstandings and sometimes people get hurt or percieve my withdrawing as a slight on them. But it can go wrong – people get upset or defensive or make it all about themselves. For sure, they’re not ready to hear I’m thinking about an exit plan. And that I’m often thinking about an exit plan. That freaks people out way too much…
How much do you tell people?