I’m… in a lot of pain right now. I’ve nowhere else to turn to right now. I just. Oh god. Everything hurts. I just want to die. I’m forcing myself to shut down otherwise I will ball my eyes out here at my dads girlfriend’s house. It hurts so bad. It’s a physical ache. Please go away. Just. Please. I.
I got my partner’s texts 20 minutes later. I responded, but I know I wont get anything back for awhile. That’s okay, it’s my fault for being fucking stupid and not having my phone on me for too long. 2nd time in a row. Last time was during my grad practice. It’s not their fault. Yet still. I’m so upset. About that and everything else. There was no point for me to live to graduate because I am just going to fail and continue to be the pile of rot I’ve created of myself. I want to curl up in a ball and hide forever under piles and piles of blankets. I want it to stop. I want an escape. A real one.
All I ever do is complain, but at least I’ve stopped complaining to the people around me – almost entirely. I’ve fallen silent. I can’t fight anymore. Oh my god I’m so tired of fighting and I’m pathetic and weak so the results are always the same. What does it matter if I’ve not done anything and I’ve still “held on”? What’s it matter, genuinely? Who cares? WHY should they care? I’m a stupid venting mess and I’m on here more and more. Seeing things on here make me realize yet again that I’m being selfish, that people have it so much worse – good people, better people.
This feeling is getting overwhelming. My head hurts. I can feel puke building up in the back of my throat. I want to cry. I want it to end. Just. Let. It. Fucking. End. Oh god. I really cant anymore. I’m scared I’ll break and tell the next person I see fucking everything. I’ll scream and break everything. I’ll cry and cry until I rip my eyes out when it hurts too much to do so anymore. I can’t keep fighting anymore. I’m so broken and in pain. And it turns out it’ll all be for nothing. Life is just to suffer. I just. I can’t. I’m going to break and do something. Anything. I want to die. I’m done.