Sometimes things give me some perspective, like as feeble and useless as I am, things could be worse.
I have these friends who are about my age, but way sicker physically than I am. They have something I don’t have, the ability to keep pushing when their bodies say no. I’m not sure if I envy that. Point being, they can push themselves to levels of sick that I can only dream of.
I have a lot of empathy for the situation, because I certainly could have kept pushing. This morning the guy had a full meltdown, a confluence of stressors arranged in such a way that we almost had to take him to the hospital. He screwed up his blood sugar and blood pressure, such that if it had gotten much worse he would have needed professional medical help. That was something that wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t lost control of his wits, and kept spiraling.
Today at least, seeing all the pain he was in, and that he put his wife and friends through, I definitely didn’t envy him his endurance, because it almost killed him. He’s taking a step back at work, to a less stressful job. I still think if things go as wrong as they did today, a leave of action is called for. Screw the job, screw the boss, screw the company, staying alive is job 1.
but I can’t give him my perspective. I watched job after job chew up my dad and spit him out, until he was in a similar state to mine; not caring about working as much as about family. All I can do is show up and try to help him cope… he needs help, no doubt, but he has to be ready to ask for it.
It’s funny to me because I had a rather vivid dream about my current identity crisis, stepping away from the helping professions…. and I woke up with this crisis to navigate…. and I did. I seem to find people to care for, regardless of who pays my bills.
To be honest, I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t identify with the things I’m working on. I’m glad that I don’t hurt those who care about me, and that’s worth more than knowing who I am, these days it seems that way anyway.
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I’m also in awe of people who suffer setbacks worse than mine but find the strength to endure. Just today I stumbled on a recent interview with Michael J Fox.. the guy is in really bad shape, and not just that but imagine going from the #1 teen heartthrob of the 80s to a person who can’t work because he can barely sit 10 minutes before having some violent convulsion… incurable disease… what can you say he has to live for? And yet the guy is handling it with way more dignity than I can handle burning a stack of pancakes.
Times like that you wonder if there’s some truth to those infuriating catchphrases like “you have to want to get better” or “you need an attitude adjustment” etc
I do know you have to want to not get worse, but the cost is high. I feel like I could adapt to function with…. one foot in a hole is how it feels. People do. The thing people say that gets me is “what do you have to lose?”
function, that’s what. I know plenty of people who aren’t so much retired as they barely have the ability to keep themselves together. I’m young for it…. because I’m greedy for my function. I can do quite a bit, and it terrifies me to think about losing it.
eh. Things like this are what keep me hoarding what is left of my working knees and back. I have another friend who is full time caring for his dad. His dad is so sick that this next year is critical, either he’ll get better enough to function, or he won’t, which means he’ll die. It’s gut wrenching to watch, and all the while I have this little voice in my head; “They chose to keep pushing. They chose something over that health, and if you aren’t careful you could go the same way.”
You mean there’s something about your potential career path that would destroy your health? And these other people chose to be used up like that?
If thats the case then yeah it’s a weird dilemma and I would mostly agree with you. Very few things are worth destroying your body over. hah I almost puked in my mouth saying that, courting self destruction as much as I do. But willful self destruction is one thing (or even death by stagnation), while it’s completely different to let a job grind you down against your will. Maybe it doesn’t matter in the end because our bodies will fail regardless. But kinda like the whole debate over suicide… even though death gets us all, there’s something victorious about choosing your own time.
well, there’s certainly room for my perception of the world to be wrong, though then the question is how wrong?
I’m a pretty hard marxist/anti capitalist these days. Most companies I’ve worked for will ride you til you drop, and then leave you collecting welfare. I just…. sort of opted out. I’m doing something deeply immoral by my cultural standards; not working when I’m capable of it.
I got a letter this week from food stamps, saying that there’s an able bodied work clause, which I think is going to be hilarious seeing them try and use on me. Yes, I’m able bodied enough to work, but it’s work or self care. I could work , but eventually I’d eat little enough, sleep little enough that it’d put me in the hospital… and I don’t hate my family enough to try and figure out where that ridge is.
Maybe work is glorious, and the very rich and large companies are truly the saviors they claim to be. Maybe there’s some third option where they aren’t craven vultures picking at the meat of what’s left of America’s working class… See, I know I have problems with black and white thinking, so I’m aware when I see something in those terms I might well be wrong…. but how wrong is the question, again?
I don’t see that awareness matters much. I think ordinary people have an itch where they know they’re laying down their health for their jobs… but they are really good at not scratching it. Me? I’ve picked it open to bleeding… because that’s what I do.
heh, the theory goes that I’ll work again. That’s the fairy tale, and I don’t have the brass cahones to ruin that fantasy for everyone. I don’t see it happening. There aren’t any wish granting people of diminutive stature, and wanting things to be better doesn’t make it so.
I don’t have the resources to make it happen. I know very well what I can and can’t do with my resources. So what am I supposed to go beg for charity? I failed, economically and career wise I didn’t make the cut. Oh well. I’m ready to live with whatever consequences come from it…
I think that’s the thing; I’m so over the shame and self hatred about the situation. It is what it is. I did the best I could when I was healthy, sadly that wasn’t enough. Market forces…… the capitalist version of “mysterious ways”… those damn market forces…… if only they weren’t so set on my defeat…. alas, so goes the market, so goes the world.
I’m getting that you’re saying no? I need more specificity