Sometimes things give me some perspective, like as feeble and useless as I am, things could be worse.
I have these friends who are about my age, but way sicker physically than I am. They have something I don’t have, the ability to keep pushing when their bodies say no. I’m not sure if I envy that. Point being, they can push themselves to levels of sick that I can only dream of.
I have a lot of empathy for the situation, because I certainly could have kept pushing. This morning the guy had a full meltdown, a confluence of stressors arranged in such a way that we almost had to take him to the hospital. He screwed up his blood sugar and blood pressure, such that if it had gotten much worse he would have needed professional medical help. That was something that wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t lost control of his wits, and kept spiraling.
Today at least, seeing all the pain he was in, and that he put his wife and friends through, I definitely didn’t envy him his endurance, because it almost killed him. He’s taking a step back at work, to a less stressful job. I still think if things go as wrong as they did today, a leave of action is called for. Screw the job, screw the boss, screw the company, staying alive is job 1.
but I can’t give him my perspective. I watched job after job chew up my dad and spit him out, until he was in a similar state to mine; not caring about working as much as about family. All I can do is show up and try to help him cope… he needs help, no doubt, but he has to be ready to ask for it.
It’s funny to me because I had a rather vivid dream about my current identity crisis, stepping away from the helping professions…. and I woke up with this crisis to navigate…. and I did. I seem to find people to care for, regardless of who pays my bills.
To be honest, I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t identify with the things I’m working on. I’m glad that I don’t hurt those who care about me, and that’s worth more than knowing who I am, these days it seems that way anyway.