doped up on pills and babbling into the void just for the sake of giving myself some reading material when i sober up. I wonder if M is dead. The last thing she told me was that she had relapsed on heroin and I never heard from her again. She didnt want to die. Not like the others. What a fucking shame it would be if she’s dead. but i guess we all saw it coming. Is it normal to have so many friends who are dead? I have more dead friends than living ones.
D’s funeral was surreal. Snapshots are all I remember. Beginning with the phone call from D’s dad. He had a nice voice. Thats why it hurt so much to hear him break down. “I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind being a… being a… pall—“ He couldn’t get the word out. What a fucking painful word for a parent to say. I just quickly agreed so he wouldn’t have to finish the sentence. Then the funeral itself. Closed casket. Tactfully. Or maybe it was because the body was in no condition to be seen. Come to think of it, it never dawned on me that D was in that box.
I dont want a box. I dont want a funeral. But i guess it doesnt matter because i wont be there. Why did i even bother going to D’s funeral? Oh because D’s dad
I never met M’s dad. She always avoided talking about him. Some big famous celebrity or something like that, I wonder if he knew the shit she was into. Of course they all do.
S was cremated. She mustve left instructions.
FUCK. no we’re not going there. no matter how many pills are in me.
Lets go back further. who was the first? D (the other D). I remember telling everyone in homeroom. J started laughing. Hysterical laughter its called, I would learn later. Judy Collins wrote about it in her book, about the first time she saw a dead body and couldn’t stop smiling. People were getting angry at her until the actual paramedics showed up and said “cant you see she’s in hysterics??” Anyway back to homeroom… thats how J reacted (or was J legit laughing at D’s suicide? Guess we’ll never know). The last time I saw D was
FUCK. no we’re not going there either
I really wonder if M is dead. She had the most interesting theory on the afterlife. she believed it’s our choice whether to come back or not. In other words there’s no judge, no cosmic administrator, no god telling us where to go, what to do. As with life, we need to figure it all out on our own without any help. I asked her if she thinks we retain our identity, or some sort of memory of who we are. I cant remember her answer.
I tried to tell her about S’s theory, but I got the feeling she was too doped up to follow what I was saying. multiverse shit. I dont even fully grasp it myself but S was damn sure of it. Sure enough to jump out a window and land in a dozen pieces
2 comments
Sorry about all your friends. I also wonder if M’s theory is correct. It sounds like an interesting one. No one to help you and you just have to figure out what choice is correct. I haven’t had much experience with death. I don’t know too many people who died. Mainly relatives who were old or sick or both. I do think about what would happen if I died. All the pain that would cause. It’s a good thing you went to D’s funeral. It must have meant a lot to his dad. J’s reaction is interesting. Curious what mine will be like when someone close to me dies. Unless I die first. Hope those pills you took don’t cause any damage. Like everyone else here, I hope things start looking up for you.
thanks J Doe. I don’t really feel sad for my friends’ sakes but I do feel a weird emptiness mixed with envy & admiration. And there’s also a tinge of ‘I couldve saved you if i tried harder’ so it’s a knot of emotions resulting in a sort of numbness or emotional paralysis. In other words I never reacted outwardly but I’m constantly thinking of them, maybe even more than the people crying their eyes out (not including immediate family obv). thats probably why they dominate my thoughts when my own suicidal urges peak. They’ve gone where I want to go.
M’s afterlife ideas are definitely thought provoking. I can’t go a day without dwelling on them. I’m not religious in the normal sense but I’m spiritual in a philosophical (scientific?) sense.
Consciousness has never really been defined. We can animate dead tissue with electricity (like those sick fucking experiments we were forced to do on frogs in biology class) but thats not the same as creating consciousness. So it must be something greater than just electrical impulses in our brains. Thats all I know, so I’m open to all possibilities. I do think whatever the explanation is, it’s similar to other natural phenomena. That’s the unwritten rule of science: the unknown is similar to things we already know. And that’s why it makes sense to me that the afterlife (if it exists) would be similar to life: No, we don’t magically meet any gods or gain supreme cosmic knowledge just by dying. It makes sense that we’d be just as clueless as we are now. But clueless or not, we have as much free will in the afterlife as we have while we’re alive. Will we seek out another earthly body, or will we prefer to drift aimlessly, or is there a 3rd option of completely disappearing (a sort of suicide in the afterlife)? But yeah the bottom line is nobody tells us what to do, there are no rules, no guides, in the end its the same as it ever was.