All of My Problems Is A Result of

Depression is sure a feature of the complex trauma you suffered and suffer from. The part I find so crazy about the abusive childhood pain and agony is how it has affected this entire life of mine. You could say I lived in near constant mental escape from pain from my earliest years until 46. By then I became so tired of the escapes (flying, hobbies, absurd working conditions, and more) that I became a “normal” person by having a regular job, stopping flying, reining in my hobbies. That lasted until 54.

At 54, still unwilling to do all those escape behaviors, and unwilling to live in pain that would only stop while I was busy with something, I made serious inquiry into death. Long story short, I just could not follow through with it, even though I fully had the means. But also came a break.

I was able, with regular work place and hours, and yet some flexibility, to find and pay for an effective therapist. Not the perfect fix. Instead it has resulted in pain less often, less severe, and it does not last as long. A big part of this life with a therapist in it is knowing she knows and understands my writhing pain awful unconscionable torturous tortured childhood. Knowing she is in my life is itself therapy.

I will likely live out my days with this stuff in recurring memories but not all of every day will be so utterly affected by it.