Lately I’ve been heavy on the escapism, looking at how it is elsewhere. I guess the hope is that it makes me grateful, and I am, or at least I’m trying.
but I can’t get over how screwed up it all is, how I don’t deserve to have it as good as I do…. everywhere I look the story is the same; rich jerks sucking up all the resources to live the high life, middle class people barely scraping by, and the working poor…… starving, having buildings collapse on them, being the victims of natural and man made disasters.
I’ve spent so long getting therapy for depression and anxiety, I want to believe that people are fundamentally good, and that mankind is on an upward climb towards a kinder world….. but I’ve lost my faith these days. Now I feel like an island in the storm, the last person stupid enough to be kind waiting for the natural consequences of that to eliminate me.
I think it says something about mankind, that when we first found that we had mutated from creatures before us, and before that, all the way back to single cell organisms. It doesn’t matter if you believe that for this example, but when we found that out the rich used it as an excuse to call their exploitation “natural”…. “Darwin proved it.”
Instead of appreciating how unlikely life is, especially intelligent life (though that intelligence is very much in question)… point is walking around tool using computer building life is pretty amazing. We SHOULD be grateful, and kind….
instead this mess, throat biting hunger, gut wrenching existential agony
so yeah, in the face of that, having food to eat, air conditioning, a roof over my head, video games to play… I want to be grateful….. but that’s part of me that’s broken; if I could be purely self motivated, self centered, I could be delighted…..
but I don’t know how, I don’t know how to stop caring about our miserable species