I feel like an alien. I don’t feel like I belong here or anywhere. I joined a website recently that has people that share similar interests as mine. I have 30 or so “friends” on there but I only actually talk to one. I read the blog posts my “friends” make and it’s making me aware of how wholly and utterly different I am from everyone. And I don’t mean that in a good way.
My “friends” talk of spending their summer going out with friends, riding their horses, flirting with their crushes, rekindling past relationships, whatever. Meanwhile, I’m spending my summer in my room alone, angry, depressed.
My birthday’s coming up. I can count the days left on one hand. I know I should be happy as it’s one of those milestone birthdays but that just makes me even more depressed.
I thought that once I got to this age I would’ve found my place. That I would have friends and be happy.
Sometimes I can’t believe that this is my reality. Aren’t your high school years supposed to be the best days of your life? Shouldn’t I be making happy memories for me to look back on when I’m older? What the hell am I even doing with myself?
Honestly, things had been going ok recently. Yes, I still have no friends and yes, I am still a creep. But I was less suicidal and less depressed. Then the realization hit me and I started spiraling.
I hate myself. I hate myself for letting myself stay this way. I hate myself for not pushing myself to break out of my shell. I hate everything about myself. I hate my old friend for abandoning me. I hate my online ““friends”” for being happier than me. Most importantly, I hate myself for being a bitter, lonely, and unlovable piece of shit.
5 comments
Sounds like you’ve found an equivalent of social Media. Maybe “uninteresting” people just don’t use them. I don’t.
It takes a lot to be happy for others, when in a slump, I think.
I mean, would you also preferably do these activities instead of being alone? Genuinely asking.
For me, I’m so glad to not have to run to many restaurants to eat overpriced food or go to clubs with everyone drinking and pressuring me to do that. I am a quiet person, living a quiet life. (Sorta)
Also talking to just one person more personally on there is so much better than barely talking with them all at once. Makes you more sympathetic to me. Friendships are a ton of work. Used to be easier. Internet’s gotten weird.
Somewhat? I don’t want to go to football games or party every weekend but I do wish I had a social life and could leave my house for a bit. You’re probably right about the friendship thing. I guess I would rather speak to one person personally than speak to 30+ barely.
I would urge you to do whatever you need to to break out of that state. But then I don’t think that would’ve made a difference to me when I was your age. So instead I’ll say that you could write off your high school years, and still change things a lot in college, and end up in a good place. Or you could carry on being miserable through college, and then change a lot in your early 20s, and end up in a good place. Or you could stay miserable in your early 20s, and then change things in your late 20s, and still end up ok. Or you could continue on through your late 20s, yet still find a way to turn it around in your early 30s.
The point is that you still have lots of time, lots of opportunity to be different than you are now. But change does get harder as you get older and certain doors eventually close. It’s a question of how much of your life you want to spend being consumed by what’s gone before.
I guess so. Part of my problem is that as a minor I don’t really have much freedom. Hopefully by college I’ll come to my senses and break out of my shell.
Honestly mate. I was the same for like 3 years. Then I got really mad, at my situation, and I started going to church. That worked for me, made me feel less bad. After service I always feel a sense of calm.
Tbh, just leaving the house to go anywhere is good in my opinion. Go literally anywhere you can afford. If it’s free, it doesn’t matter. The library is free, you can go there, stay there as long as you like. I don’t do that personally, but it has worked for other people.
I know when you’re depressed, you often don’t have the energy to do anything and you just want to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I did that for as long as I could, until I couldn’t stand it anymore. Until just looking at my ceiling was enough to frustrate me.
I agree with Virus.Found, internet has gotten weird. The one thing I would say is, try to use your hate (anger) to produce something. Anything. Literally anything. It doesn’t matter, it could be art, writing, exercise, anything, just try to find a way to expulse your emotions. Even if you’re never going to show it to anyone. You just have to do something, no matter how insignificant it seems.
In reality, even brushing your teeth can be seen as an achievement if you’re really depressed. Just taking care of your hygiene. Just don’t worry about it. Do what you’re capable of.