tanpopo

I tried to kill myself again today. I’ve felt so bad these past few days. I’ve felt so angry, so miserable, and so lonely. I wanted to make new friends this new year, so I joined a bunch of Discord servers to make friends. But no matter where I went I was out of place. I felt like such a loser that I couldn’t even make friends online. I’ve tried to cope by doing things like writing or drawing when I feel bad, but I always end up feeling worse because nothing I ever try turns out correctly.

I couldn’t take it anymore and tonight I […]

In recent times I’ve felt a burning anger and hatred towards things that would previously make upset or sad. I used to get depressed when I walked around campus and saw couples holding hands and kissing in the hallways or when I saw friends laughing and having fun together at lunch. Now, I feel nothing but rage.

I hate them for having what I’ve never been able to have. I hate them for enjoying their youth while I can’t. I hate them because their lives are going well while mine is shit.

This year, I’ve been trying to improve myself socially. I smile at people, I say […]

Things have been bad for me lately, mentally speaking. I’ve been majorly depressed, and I love to make myself feel worse when I’m depressed, so I’ve been thinking about her again. I bet she never thinks about me. She probably doesn’t even remember my name anymore.

I see her around a lot this year. I see her with her new friends, living her life completely oblivious to my mere existence. I don’t make posts about her that much anymore because it makes me sound like a whiny virgin (which I am…) but in truth, I think about her every day. I wish I […]

I decided that I wanted to improve myself this year, socially speaking, considering that this is my last year of school before college. I mustered up the confidence to ask a girl in my class for her instagram yesterday, and after only a day of talking I’ve run out of things to say to her. I don’t even think she wants to talk to me, I think she was just being nice and didn’t want to embarrass me.

I’m still bad with making eye contact and smiling at others, and the stutter is still there as well. I’m working on the eye contact issue and […]

Sometimes I think that I’m better off by myself. I keep thinking about all the times I’ve tried and failed to just talk to people. The times I tried to join in on a conversation, but no one heard me (or maybe they were ignoring me…). I don’t feel like I have the ability to connect with people. I actually used to have friends, but neither of them talk to me anymore.

I do enjoy being by myself sometimes. And I guess there are some benefits to being by myself. I read an article the other day in my English class. It was about the benefits […]

I’ve been getting closer to a girl from one of my classes. Today, we walked to the buses together since our final periods are across from each other.

She tried to make conversation with me, and I tried to engage with her, but I had to repeat myself so. many. times. because I kept stuttering and stumbling over my words. I gave up eventually and we walked in silence the rest of the way.

I feel so stupid and embarrassed.

I’m probably being overdramatic. But I can’t help but feel this way when I am struggling to do things that normal people can do without a second thought.

I […]

I just found out that one of my uncles is a child molester. The police are even involved. I don’t know how to feel. I almost want to believe everything is untrue and that he can’t really be that way, but I saw the evidence.

I don’t feel like I can trust anyone anymore. I know pedos don’t “look” like pedos, but out of everyone I never thought it would be him. He was always so kind and he was so quiet too.

He didn’t do anything to me, but I just feel so sick now thinking about the times I’ve spent with him when I was […]

I keep thinking about my dad killing my mom. I’m the only one he really talks to and every time I talk to him, he’s always going on about how I’m the only one that cares about him and how my mom only wants his money. Or some other grievance he has with her. He’s never been violent to me, but he’s also mentally unstable and refuses to take his medication. My parents live in two different states but I still worry because he has the means to get here if he wanted to. He’s also a retired veteran and has guns. I don’t think […]

I wish I could find help. I have no one I can talk to. Posting on here helps somewhat. But I want someone who can talk to me face-to-face and tell me that everything will be alright and that they’re here for me.

I can’t confide in my parents and I have no friends in real life. I used to have someone I could talk to, but I don’t think she wants anything to do with me.

I feel so lonely, isolated and depressed. It’s a relentless cycle and everyday it gets worse. For now, I still hold on because I have hope for […]

It’s still 4 hours to midnight where I’m at. Last year, my resolution was to make a new friend. Great luck I’ve had with that (not). Maybe my resolution for 2024 should be to get more confidence, and either make a friend, or do what I should’ve done a long time ago. Or maybe 2024 will finally be “my year”…

Speaking to people, for me, is like trying to walk through a field of eggshells. I have to be so careful about what words I use because there are certain words that my mouth won’t let me speak. I have to plan every word I say just to avoid going into a stuttering “attack”.

I chronically stumble, stutter, and have difficulty saying my words. It’s hard for my own family to understand what I’m saying because I can’t enunciate my words. In school, I will go without help just so that I don’t have to experience the embarrassment of trying to talk.

It feels like I have […]

I feel so socially behind compared to my peers. Today, I overheard a girl talking about how she almost got caught having sex with her boyfriend. I heard another group of kids talking about a party they went to over Thanksgiving break. I’ve never done anything close to either.

I’ve never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl. I haven’t even held hands with another girl in a romantic way. The only parties I’ve been to have been birthday parties, either mine or a relative’s.

I feel like I’m wasting my youth. I know that high school isn’t the end of the world, but I do wish […]

 I will never get to know her again. I won’t get to laugh and joke with her. I won’t get to go out with her. I will never see her smile at me. I will never get to hug her again. It makes me wish I was dead.

Life has been so painful recently, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this terrible in my life. I can’t stop thinking about her, and that makes everything feel even worse. I wish I had her to comfort me when I feel like this.

I can’t believe it’s been two years since I’ve talked to her in […]

I’ve been so depressed lately. I hate being alone because that means I have no one to talk to when I feel this way. I don’t have real friends to talk to. I have online “friends” but I don’t trust them enough to tell them how I feel. I don’t want to “vent” to my followers either because I know they don’t care. I’d just make them uncomfortable.

I can’t talk to my parents because they’re not that kind of parents. And I obviously don’t have a therapist to talk to. I’m not going to fuck with the suicide hotline either—I don’t want to get thrown […]

I just don’t feel comfortable anywhere. Not at home or outside of it. I don’t fit in anywhere. I can’t make connections with people the way others do. It feels like there’s something so different about me that prevents me from becoming “one” with this world. It’s not that I don’t like the people around me, it’s that I don’t understand them.

I guess what I’m feeling is something like a perpetual feeling of homesickness, except for the fact that I am “home”. I keep hoping that it gets better, and maybe it will, I haven’t even graduated high school yet. I just wish they’d […]

I can not take one more day of this. I can’t keep feeling the way I do. I can’t take one more day of eating alone. I can’t stand to see another couple holding hands. I can’t fucking take another day of seeing her.

I saw her again Tuesday morning. She was 2 feet away from me at the most, if I reached my hands out I could’ve touched her. Guess what she said to me? Nothing. Nothing at all. We were texting for a week or so. She hasn’t responded to my text in two weeks. I guess none of her new friends […]

She replied. She even started a little conversation with me. It felt terrible. My mind kept switching between really bad intrusive thoughts and unrealistic fantasies. I wish I could say I felt happy since half of the mental anguish I’ve felt this past year stemmed from her not talking to me.

I had so much anxiety over her messaging me that I couldn’t eat or sleep. My throat constantly felt dry and I had heart palpitations so bad I thought I was going to die. This lasted for two days until she stopped replying to me.

I realize she doesn’t want to speak to […]

Learned a new word today: Limerence. Doesn’t perfectly fit my feelings for her, but it’s pretty close. I don’t think I’ve felt truly “happy” since she has stopped talking to me. I have moments where I feel happy but I haven’t felt long-term happiness in so long.

I’m in a constant state of misery and anger. I’m miserable because I miss her so. damn. much. I miss her voice. I miss her laugh. I miss her texts. I miss hanging out with her. I miss her face. I miss thinking about her and feeling happy, not empty and sad.

I’m angry because I […]

I constantly think about suicide—mainly hanging myself—yet I can’t seem to bring myself to do it.

I keep thinking about hanging myself. Tying the noose, putting it around my neck, and the way my body will look afterwards. It plays through my mind constantly.

It comforts me in a strange way. I’ve been going through her and I’s texts lately. It brought back memories and feelings I wish I didn’t have. Whenever the emotions overwhelm me I just think about suicide to push it back down.

Yet I can’t bring myself to do it. I would say I’m tired of being alive and feeling the way I do […]

I can’t believe there are people out there my age that don’t feel the way I do . That aren’t lonely and isolated. That don’t think about killing themselves almost everyday. That have friends and are happy.

I went to the store today and saw a group of teenage boys. They were laughing, smiling, chasing each other around the store. It made me so jealous I wanted to cry. Seeing people my age enjoy being a teenager makes me feel so shitty.

I just wish I could be a normal teenager. I wish I had friends so I didn’t feel so lonely all the time. I wish […]