Last year (or the year before) I made one of my most serious attempts. I tried to hang myself via partial suspension one night. This time I didn’t back out as soon as I started. I could feel myself suffocating and I was so so close to going unconscious. But I stopped before I did.
I had school the next day and I felt the worst I had in my entire life. Nothing felt real. I couldn’t believe what I had tried to do. I can barely remember anything except feeling like I was walking in a dream.
My former “friend” noticed and kept asking me what was wrong. I kept brushing her off as I didn’t want to speak at all, let alone about last night. Then I started to feel guilty about not telling her and I wrote her a note.
She asked me “Why would you do that?”. She told me “You’re my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do if you died.” or something along those lines. She kept repeating “I can’t believe you did that,” She sounded so genuinely shocked and hurt and I felt terrible. I kept apologizing because I felt like shit for telling her and making her worry so much. I felt like the worst person in the world.
Every time I think of that day I want to die. I want to die so fucking bad. I hate myself. I wish I had let myself die that night. I really do.