how do i even live with myself? why am i like this…

everything hurts so bad and all i want to do is die, and all i ever do is make life harder for everyone… im disgusted with myself… i feel like im sinking into mud while being stabbed and crushed over and over and over in my mind… it hurts so much i cant keep doing this anymore… i wake up crying… fall asleep crying… quickly breaking apart and dying inside and nobody sees, no one sees… but they shouldn’t see… if anyone ever does i get so deeply ashamed and everything gets worse… everything just gets worse and worse and i cant do this… im not strong enough or smart enough or brave enough for this life… i shoudnt be wanted when im so awful…

i dont have words to describe how much im hurting

why does it always hit when i have no one to turn/talk to, someone to give me hug and make me feel safe… its been so long… maybe its because i dont deserve it anymore…

im in mental agony..