drawing + rant

I’m so sick of everyone assuming I’m a liar about anything and everything. My mom called me a liar today because I paused before answering her. I told her it makes me upset when she does that but she grew agitated and just said “alright, whatever.” like always. It’s always been like this. When I was younger and would tell her I loved her, 50% of the time she told me she didn’t believe me or I “didn’t act like I loved her” and also went on whole “oh you’re just looking for attention” rants that just made me give up confiding in her. She’s better in many ways, but that’s not one of them. She didn’t believe me when I needed help in 8th grade either, writing fucking suicide/goodbye notes in school of all places to tell my friends/partner goodbye.

Somewhat related, she went on all day about how she’s gonna get us all back (2 sisters, me when I move up here). Because apparently we need her. She’s our mom. And she knows how to take care of us better (I mean, fair I guess) and she keeps bringing up the same shit over and over again… very conveniently forgetting WHO was the one who made us live with our dad and WHY. And yes, I know by all means it all ends up on me, it’s my fault, for writing that god damn note. But, should she still be able to say things like that without acknowledging the fact that she shipped us off? I mean, I was in 8th grade, I couldn’t have done that. I could’ve offed myself, could’ve ran off, but not sent myself and my siblings back to our hometown. Am… am I allowed to be angry? Is angry the right word for it? I know it’s my fault. I know that. I’ve heard the whole selfish attention seeking schpeel. On top of that, as shitty as this sounds, I don’t want to be cooped up back with my siblings only months (supposedly) after I move up here. I love my mom, and I love my sisters, but this was her decision and to be fair, my youngest sister has already made her roots down at home. I don’t want her to fall victim to moving once or twice a year every year like I did. That shit sucks. But she won’t consider that.

Talking to my family is like yelling into a void. I don’t bother talking about anything serious to them anymore. I asked mom on an 8 hour car ride to roll the window down while she vaped, because the constant vapor circling back right behind me every minute or so was giving me a headache and she got upset. “I thought I was better now, I thought you weren’t mad about it anymore because I’m not smoking. Apparently not.” she says. Ok. Whatever.

Why the fuck do I even bother?

Sorry if you continued reading the rant after the drawing lol