A dark, mucky, thick sea of thoughts. Just let me sleep and go away. Please.
I think about all the times I probably made things so much worse for him. Mentally. Guilt eats away at me and it’s my own fault. My fault, my fault, per usual.
I contacted some old friends to thank them for everything they’ve done/likely goodbye forever. One of them called knowing something was up. I was sobbing the moment I woke up and it was nice to hear from her and the other friend again. They asked me about god. I don’t know how I feel about it/have issues with the religion in question but didn’t want to bring that up while crying. So I chose a half answer. I kinda pray, kinda don’t. I told them I usually pray to god to kill me in my sleep.
Long time since I’ve said something so idiotic to anyone, much less multiple people. I’m filled with an unbearable shame. I’ve done it yet again. The rot. The disgusting rot.
I absolutely hate myself.
It’s a mix of feeling uncared for until I am/realize I am and feeling undeserving of it.
Sometimes I wonder if I need genuine help. Or maybe this is all in my head – like maybe I just made this shit up. Or maybe this is a punishment of some sort from the God himself and I shouldn’t question it. Hahahaha. I’m exhausted. So completely exhausted. My thoughts won’t let me sleep at a decent hour. I’m suffocating in them.
Life is simply misery and suffering. Waking up is pointless yet I do so anyway. Full of pain, guilt, rot.