I just don’t know it.
I was in my room and I heard someone shouting on street. He was shouting and abusing. I went out on my balcony and got to know that someone hit my neighbour’s bike in the night and broke its mudguard, accidentally probably. My neighbour was just ranting and abusing the unknown person who did this. I was just watching him. Then he made the disaster of including me in the conversation. He somehow looked at me looking and, probably seeing a companion in me in his misery, said to me, “Look mister, some #@$!% broke the mudguard of my bike. (dekhna bhaisab, kisi @#$^%^ ne bike ka mudguard tod diya)” And all I said back was: “Why are you abusing? (gaaliyan kyu de rhe ho)”. He became a bit defensive and began justifying. All the while looking at me, probably still seeking misery companion. Me, I just looked at him mute, sometimes looking sideways so he would stop looking at me. Eventually he did. Though didn’t stop ranting. I went inside.
I have lost all touch. I felt no compassion for him or his situation. I was just angry at him for his abuses. Maybe it’s because I hate abuses (gaaliyan). I have history of hearing them (not directed at me), from father and also from a childhood neighbour who used to get drunk at night and abuse society in general by shouting on street. So I don’t like it when someone uses abusive phrases. I probably would’ve felt compassion for him had he just be shouting without using abusive words. I think I would’ve. But at that moment I was just angry with him. so when he looked at me and said his sentence with the abusive word inside it, what I replied was all in my mind towards him.
Even after I said that, he gave me ample opportunity by continuing to look at me and talking. I should’ve involved myself, should’ve asked things like who did this, when did it happen etc. He would’ve gotten a channel to speak out his frustration in proper way. He would’ve gotten a companion in misery. No, all I was infact thinking about replying was “who did this is not here, who’re you abusing then?” My whole focus was on his abusing and not the slightest to his problem. I justified my behavior when I came inside thinking he was abusing and so didn’t deserve my compassion. It was only a few minutes later that my mind calmed down and situation occurred to me in neutral way and my horrible behavior and response became clear to me.
He must be thinking what an uncompassionate neighbour this is. He might even think I broke his bike’s mudguard that’s why I took his abusing personally and questioned it. I imagine myself in his place and someone having the behavior towards me the way I had towards him and I find it cold, insulting too perhaps.
Ok maybe he shouldn’t have been shouting abuses on street for all to hear, I do have that in my favor. But this is probably how usual guys like him behave in such situations. He even said to me while he was justifying himself “This is my hard earned money”, and my heart still didn’t register it.
I have become cold. Disconnected.
I am imaging what I would’ve felt and done if I had a bike parked on street and someone accidentally broke a part of it at night and I am on street in morning and noticed that. I wouldn’t begin shouting at loud voice, that I know. But would I involve someone else in situation like he involved me? Would I seek companion in my misery? I would not, I would totally not. I don’t expect compassion from other people. I would rather fear their silent ridicule and mockery. Since I don’t expect compassion from others, I don’t give it either. This is how my worldview has become. It’s clearly wrong because people do have compassion, but I’m trapped in my worldview.
Why did he include me in conversation? I never intended to say anything even though I was not liking his abuses. I don’t get involved in other’s issues. I wish he never had looked at me.
It probably wasn’t so bad. Probably he would forgive me. I hope he would forget about me.
(I remember while he was talking to me I was thinking about solutions. I remember I mulled giving him advice about cctv installation. I also remember I wanted to say “no way to catch the culprit now”. So I was not entirely apathetic. But this also shows my coldness. All I could think about was practical solutions or the lack of them.)
8 comments
Guy was just angry someone broke his bike. I would be angry and shouting too. Like you said, the perp wasn’t there, so he wasn’t “abusing” anyone. He was just venting his frustration. Should’ve just let him vent, eventually he’d walk inside after yelling it out.
He included you in conversation bc you walked outside. He would obviously think you’d agree with him that he was done wrong and he had a right to be angry. You could have said “I’m sorry this happened to you. They shouldn’t have broke your bike, but the bad guys aren’t here, so shouting isn’t going to help” or something of that sort.
I would’ve said it if I had felt something for him. But I felt nothing. I don’t like to pretend and lie. It’s not like I never feel. But it seem to happen in natural settings, in natural situations. Situations of modern life and modern society seem to me fake and artificial. But he was a real person, I should’ve felt sorry for him. I don’t know why I didn’t. Probably because of abusing.
he wasn’t abusing anyone. there was no one there.
When he spoke to me with abusive phrase inside his sentence then I did have right to correct him. Still, I’m concerned about my lack of concern. Feeling leads to words. If I can’t feel then I can’t say words others would expect. I have to pretend to get by, which I’m not good at either.
I would’ve felt nothing also, and irl I’m a freakishly compassionate person who always stops to help the person in distress. But I only feel compassion for those who bear misfortune with dignity or at least restraint. If that guy with the busted bike had simply stood in disbelief shaking his head at the bike for 10 mins, I would feel horrible for him and I bet you’d feel something too. But instead he’s the equivalent of the American mass shooter… angry, frustrated, spraying bullets everywhere. I have zippo compassion or empathy for those fucks. I don’t care if the mass shooter was butplugged 100 times as a child, if his reaction is to indiscriminately spew the misery into the world then, in terms of circular justice, he deserved the butplugging, right? Isn’t that a fair punishment for mass killing?
So if you see what I’m saying, that guy you saw was one of the indiscriminate hate spewers. And while I wouldn’t class him with the loser mass shooters, he’s definitely leaning in that direction.
This goes back to an persistent thought I have about my own misery. Do I somehow deserve it? No, unequivocally no, I have never done anything so horrible as to deserve the things that have happened to me. So the next question is *will I deserve it* in the future? Will I react to my misery in such a disgusting way that will justify the punishment?
So far no. So far the bullshit hasn’t shaken my morals or my inner benevolence one bit. I don’t think it ever will. If someone trashed my bike and ran off, I would be murderously furious but I absolutely would NOT go spewing hate into the air, for little kids or vulnerable people to hear. The worst would be an expletive tirade here on SP which I’d delete 5 mins after posting.
I think it’s common phenomena that aggressive attitude reduces sympathy in eyes of observer. That’s what happened with me as well. Who knows how a person is on the inside. All we can see is outside, at least on first glance.
Your circular justice theory reverses cause and effect. Like reverse karma. Interesting to think about in a way.
that’s the problem- we can only observe what we see. i actually prefer ppl show their bad side. at least they’re upfront about it. also, just bc someone curses a lot doesn’t mean they’re a bad person.
the ppl you have to be aware of are the ones that pretend to be nice and sweet on the outside, but are vile and selfish on the inside. SO many people are like that.
It’s not easy to be upfront in a society that expects a certain standard/normal. It will be difficult for other people to accept me if I became completely honest in front of them and began doing/saying what I feel. I had to leave my home due to this issue. They can’t accept my thoughts and beliefs because it’s different from society’s norm and I was sick and tired of having to pretend 24×7. I live alone now. But still have to interact a little with others every now and then. I’m willing to pretend and form an image for those few minutes in a day, that much I can do.
This whole incident was result of my being upfront and saying what I felt and I’m already feeling bad about it.
I understand what you’re saying and would like to live that way in a world like that. But that’s idealistic interpretation. World is not ideal. I’m not ideal.