Why, pray tell, do I always think that getting rid of all of the things that i enjoy in my life is going to significantly improve it somehow? All these fucking guys on youtube and social media man. AND NOT EVEN THAT!
I havent texted my friend for like a week because she ghosted me a few times now and I’m like okay. What’s the issue? But I can’t figure out how to ask her that.
And then there’s this other girl, who isn’t even good for me, that I for some reason still think about even though I tried to cut contact with her like 3 TIMES!! The last time was 2 months ago. I DONT WANT TO MESSAGE HER AGAIN!! SHES NOT GOOD FOR ME!! BUT I WANT TO !!
Which is the same shit I always do when I care about someone, like oh, I’m gonna block you and then randomly text you again in two weeks or a month, then do it again. I’m sorry, it’s not you, it’s me. Like and I dont – What do I even do about this? I’m SOO frustrated recently, and the way I’ve been dealing with it, is by trying to dedicate myself to some type of work and failing miserably at it. I will bring up some examples.
Taking care of my dog? Yeah, I’ve been taking him out like twice a day. And not given him any food he likes since Thursday, and he pretty much refuses to eat his regular food. And taking care of my little brother? Couldn’t do that either. Drivers license? Yeah, I’m working on it, something has to change. The other day I was walking outside with my dog late (like 10:30 pm), and I just stopped in the middle of the road and I thought, “I want to kill myself tonight. I wish a car ran me over. But the cars run too slow here.” Then I heard some people talking and I just kept walking until I got home. At least I respond to all the important emails!!!
I didn’t get a haircut yesterday but I should have gotten one. And now I’m gonna get it on Monday instead. I’m not even eating properly. My mind is just running and running and aghhh and aghhhh!!!! I just want to relax…I’m genuinely going insane. Um, I’ve been hallucinating and stuff too? I wake up at like 3 in the morning every night because I’m dehydrated. On like, Wednesday maybe, I heard people talking and playing piano and sometimes I hear moaning too? None of that was real too, I’m sure of it, because who plays piano and talks at 3 in the morning for like two seconds and then abruptly stops?
I have nothing insightful to say. Nothing. I feel like I’m living in a fever dream, almost. In two days I’m going to work out again 🙂 I love working out! And tomorrow is Sunday so I get to go to church and go to mass there and it’s so wonderful and I always feel at peace after the mass is over. AND I have some good news because even though the other school rejected me because I applied too late, (that happened), a different school emailed me and said I could get in there. So I’m gonna do that on Monday too. I’m gonna be really busy on Monday, haha 😀 It’s going to be great!
I love having things to do, it’s reallyt I dont want to think I just want to rest, I am so tired. I dont want to lie down because it only makes my back hurt. And I can’t rest for long because of the heat. I am really really tired, and I just dont want to deal with all of my thoughts racing around. I mean seriously, what am I? Some kind of animal? If I was, I wouldnt be thinking so much. So I’m not an animal, but maybe I am like working myself to death or something, that really wouldnt be nice, but I dont think it can happen because I barely exert myself and even though. I am ridiculously tired, it’s never enough so I just feel even more stressed and I am on a holiday right now, this is supposed to be the time that I’m not stressed.
At least cooking food relaxes me. I’m making potato wedges and steak. It’s probably going to taste really nice! I hope so. And I could send a picture to the girl I like so she tells me that it looks tasty and then I can smile about it. I’m not even going to meet her until in two months. I already know what I’m going to give her, I’m going to bake bread for her and also pick up some flowers and I will give her the bread loaf and some flowers. I’m sure she’d be happy to have food and flowers. It will be a cheap gift, but I hope she will appreciate it anyway. My friend told me not to think about girls or even talk to them but why shouldn’t I? I love talking to women.
Well, after writing all of this down I feel a lot better. All things considered, my situation is a lot better than it was a year ago, so I have that going for me.. even though I feel anxious, I’m not on expensive medication, and I have more friends, and I’m going to start studying again in September… I’m not a huge burden to the people around me (only a big burden, phew), I’m not grossly underweight, I’m not addicted to porn, I mean I’ve really made a lot of progress. All thanks to God I must say. Alone I could not have accomplished these things.
I hope all of you can cope with your situations somehow. Good night.