I keep thinking about the girl from Arkansas, the strangers who cried for her, wishing they could have somehow known and opened their heart to her.
I do, too. I understood, I’m in the same dark room. I attempted in March, and felt freedom watching my skin turn pale as it flooded my bloodstream. My lungs, the caves in my heart, my brain. feeling alone in a room. no, i’m in the same black room. How many times she visited that bridge feeling desperate for the pain to stop. The ghost of her. How they’rle now swelled with memories of her beautiful smile. How she made them happy. Guilt. Being forced to learn to let her go, if they can. I hope they heal, everyone.
have you ever experienced losing your mind after someone important in your life passes away? I have. I found my dad when I was 18. in the following months, I was raped at a party by a close friend. I lost my friends, they went their own ways, and sort of waved me off, being bad friends. Crazy, because it all hit me at once back then. I really needed them by my side. I lost my mind and suffered. Really lost my mind. I’ve been there too, anyways.
Sigh. Did I think I’d end up here, receive a shout out just to be told to drink poison and lied about over a slight? Because she felt like it? No. Haha but I think I can laugh it off. At least at first, the stupid woman, The Gaga, gave a couple of my friends on here brief little shout outs. That’s the best I can make of it, because I care about others. I don’t fake it for a made up image. If I donated to a charity, the intention wouldn’t be a political card. You’d be so surprised, sometimes. Idk. 2009 Gaga is so gone. Lol the art and its importance. It means nothing now.
old stuff I dug up from here. Don’t trust a hoover vacuum.
to some, reputation and the threat of embarrassment means showing up and intimidating someone with “nobody cares if you drink poison. You’re an embarrassment. Don’t come back. ******. Dyke.”
and I mean like for hours ok. In person. Not shitting you. But I won’t get into that. Haha some guy calling him Joe. And I was like a foot away. When I never told anyone I did that haha Wish I was the type to handle being high at work. I’m not at all. Plus I don’t do drugs, so there’s that.
Be like “oh, a shout out, did you get to meet the celebrity? :)” Me like,. “Oh, I got to meet them alright.” And thing is, I didn’t say anything. I just gazed deep into those brown eyes and knew who he was. He looked at my pride bracelet, and started saying all of that. It was crazy. Wondering now if the mom like buys the alcohol and steals the keys so they don’t drive. Like, does she clean the shit and vomit too before the guests arrive or what? Haha I’m sorry. I didn’t argue that day, either. It was done in a way that nobody could point and say hey, that’s wrong. You know, passerby thing.
“Like, what? Are you the real live bi!ch Patrizia? Is that what started it or something? Oh, you forgot your name? Oh you’re “PRETENDING” to be BPD” OH, no, you meant I* forgot your name? beautiful suffering, right? What a joke.” When she says “Art” 😛 (I’m ok if you guys are) least it was me not you guys. 😛 hope you caught the shout outs if not, no loss there. The hag.
I just feel so shaken. Because, like. My girlfriend, if I don’t answer the phone right after it goes off, and instead I send a text message, she’ll threaten to “do it” or else bs. And then. all this happene. Idk I feel so. like I’m splitting psychologically over it and I can’t afford a therapist to talk about it. I’m stuck for now. And it’s nobody’s “fault” I love my girlfriend, I’d save her from herself again and again in a heartbeat. I’m just stuck in my head. I have a couple interviews that are really important to me. I guess I’ll weather it with like, ASMR and YouTube therapists for now. The ASMR is so nice. So comforting. Shhhh shhhh Ahhhh rainnnnnnnnn
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I don’t know that I’ve ever found my mind back. I suffered a major loss young, though I never saw the body, not sure if that would have helped or not. My parents decided I was “too young to go to the funeral”, and even though that was 30 years ago, I’m still mad about it, I wonder if I could have coped if I knew how much other people would miss her…. my great aunt, who I almost never talk about so that pain is still sharp.
but yeah, the rest of my life I’ve been constantly trying to delude myself that any of it is worth it. I might manage it for a few years, but never for a decade straight. Seven years later I was watching my grandma die from ALS….. and that one I was super engaged with and I’m not sure it went “better”
The f-d up thing there, to me, was what really broke my heart was when I found out I’d never have the sweet rolls she used to make. Like there’s a thousand things I miss about her, but when I realized I’d never taste that again, and I’ve been trying to find a recipe that works for it for twenty years now….. that hole can never be filled.
Still have the picture of the first dead body I ever saw in my head, well, that I remember seeing; friend of a friend killed themselves by running their car into a road barrier at 60 MPH…. and they did it as an open casket…. I think that was when I lost my gag reflex…. the funeral people did their best, but that body managed uncanny valley while at the same time being very clear that it USED TO be a person.
I think that’s my big fear, about death, turning into a thing….. and I don’t know what any of this accomplished. I don’t know what anything anyone does is supposed to accomplish. In the end we’re all empty shells, soon to be converted back into dirt. We’re really terrible compost too, for the cost you could fertilize at least 20X the land by raising a goat on the same amount of food.
It helps. I feel more understood.
I want to hug you. It’s painful to carry voids like those. The smell of warm rolls, that only she could make, stolen from you, in a way. And trying to find it, recreate it. That makes me wanna cry.
How rare it is to be alive. And to go out and test our wildest dreams and make them come true as best we can, that’s the wanderlust of youth. we all do that. Even as we age, our childlike eyes stay with us and we keep learning. When someone’s devastated knowing none of that’s possible and destroys themselves, it hurts. It’s traumatizing knowing that reality felt unattainable in someone close. How you noticed she wasn’t the same person anymore. I wanna hug you. I’m sorry. I don’t know sometimes what it all meant either. I just want people to feel good and remember me for who I am. The good things they learned from me. I guess I want it to mean I valued what I put effort into. That’s all it could ever mean. That I wasn’t a burden if suddenly something happened.